All About Density, Part Two

Gorgeous, isn't it?

In Part one, I wrote about what I love about cities and why I plan on raising my son in one. Here in part two, I talk about the problems that I have encountered here in a small rural town and why I will move to a larger metropolitan area as soon as possible.

My partner, who grew up here in Applachian Ohio, found this Wikipedia page on this region of the world and was stunned to see a listing of cultural values that seem to be prevalent in this area of the world. He believes it to be accurate based on his life experience, and from the limited exposure that I have had, I tend to agree. Below, I list the values and some of the issues that I have with some of them.

Appalachian writer Loyal Jones has defined traditional "Appalachian values" as the following:

• 1. Individualism: often the most obvious Appalachian characteristic: look after oneself; enjoy solitude; freedom from external restraints; do things for oneself; not wanting to be beholding to others; make do; strong work ethic; courage; defend oneself or take revenge, rather than relying on "the law." A common value of decentralized farming cultures.

• 2. Strong Sense of Extended Family: Family-centered, rather than community-centered; Appalachian people settled in kin-groups, not towns; loyalty runs deep; responsibility may extend beyond immediate family; "blood is thicker than water."

• 3. Love of Place - the term "homeplace" (roughly like the German "Heimat") is common; never forget "back home" and go there as often as possible; revitalizing, especially if a migrant; sometimes stay in places where there is no hope of maintaining decent lives.

• 4. Neighborliness and Hospitality - help each other out, but suspicious of strangers; spontaneous to invite people for a meal, to spend the night, etc. People are friendly, but not open to strangers. Trust is important. Tend not to ask your advice until they trust you. Relationships are important and deep relationships are developed slowly. This suspicion of outsiders is based on the exploitative past. Historian David Hackett Fischer pointed out it preceded the American experience and went back to the border wars in England that many of the immigrants had lived with. .

• 5. Traditionalism – a strong love of tradition; skeptical of schemes for "progress"; love of things as they are. Change comes slowly. This is typical of more isolated areas.

• 6. Personalism - relates well to others, but think in terms of persons rather than degrees or professional reputations; go to great lengths to keep from offending others; getting along is more important than letting one's feelings be known.

• 7. Modesty and Being Oneself - believe one should not put on airs; be oneself, not a phony; don't pretend to be something you're not or be boastful; don't get above your raising.

• 8. Sense of Beauty - displayed through music, folksongs, poems, arts, crafts, etc., colorful language metaphors; home and beauty are closely connected.

• 9. Sense of Humor - seem dour (unfriendly), but laugh at ourselves; do not appreciate being laughed at; humor sustains people in hard times. Humor is often sarcastic.

• 10. Strong sense of solidarity - Stick, together, even if you disagree, express yourself but stand together, especially against outsiders, government, or big organizations.

• 11. Strong sense of Patriotism - goes back to Civil War times; flag, land, relationships are important.

While of course all of these values can be good things, I have found some are taken to extremes and are not the kind of environment that I want to raise a child in. Here is what I have experienced here:

The rugged individualism, while normally something I value, seems to translate into an non-empathetic, Fox-News-watching, other-blaming mentality that is problematic to me. I think this couples with the patriotism in many ways for a combination that freaks me out. It leads to closed minds and a refusal to question what they have been spoon-fed by television. There is no agree-to-disagree here in most people. This is why my local UU church is so important, it is a refuge for those that want dialogue and diversity.

I love how dedicated my partner's family to to kin. They are so into helping family and spending time with them (and we are of course benefiting from it). Rowan is thriving here, having a Nanny and Pap Pap to dote on him. But I also see that "outsiders" are perpetually outsiders, and that blends with other social issues like racism, classism, and immigration status in a way that I do not appreciate. Again, it leads to a non-empathetic response to others outside the family.

I kid you not, I have sat next to Klan members in a restaurant and heard them wax poetic on the good old days before integration of schools and use words for people they do not know that I do not want my son to be exposed to right now. He picks everything up and repeats it now and that is not something he needs to repeat. I have had to ask relatives to stop telling racist jokes anywhere near my son, for example. I personally don't care about "cuss words", but I'll be damned if my son uses words only meant to harm someone of another race, religion, or ethnicity. HELL NO.

Lest you think that all is horrible here, I assure you that it is not. It is easy here, perhaps too easy. I think I need a little more friction and edge, personally. I have been treated well here and welcomed. I have experienced that Appalachian neighborliness and hospitality first hand- especially at my newly-adopted UU church. I have social engagements in my calendar already. Rowan has been gifted an awesome John Deere child-sized tractor that actually runs using a gas pedal from a neighbor down the street! It has helped me feel more welcome.

As a Witch, I also appreciate the love of place. Honoring spirits of the land and listening to them is important to me and something that I will be teaching my son. It is easy to do here, they are very vocal. Having a place to return to for gatherings and a sense of history is of value to me. I am happy that Rowan will be able to return here for holidays. It is a gorgeous land.

All About Density

My beloved Oakland.

I grew up in a small town that was very much a suburb of Chicago, Illinois. As a kid, I would play outdoors for hours on end in my neighborhood until mom would call us in for supper. I had room to roam as a kid and it was great. But as I got older, there were less and less opportunities and experiences that my town offered to a teen. So I yearned to get away- to the city.

So I did. I first went to Chicago, then Austin, then Philadelphia, then Boston, then San Francisco, then Oakland. I have lived my entire adult life in cities. If I were to give my top three reasons for wanting to live in a city it would be (in this order): the diversity, the culture, and the lifestyle. (More on those things later).

Now, I am in a small rural town that is 20 minutes from the county seat, which is a slightly larger town that looks and acts like something out of the Andy Griffith Show (I don't say that mockingly- I always liked that show). I am in a temporary limbo until I move to Columbus, Ohio. (Another city!) I am experiencing, for the first time, rural living, and small town living.

My upbringing was nothing like actual town living- everything in the suburbs is oriented towards going elsewhere to make a living and get your culture- a bedroom community. Here, the small town I live near makes its own culture and has its own businesses. While I am enjoying the slower pace of small town living and the amazing beauty of the landscape (and the farm fresh eggs- yum!), I am bored. While I pine for a slower, less stressful life- I don't know if I am cut out for anything THIS slow.

I have always been involved in many projects and have something to do. I like to organize things and events. And while I am getting involved at the local UU church, the opportunities are less than I am used to. What I crave are those three "city reasons": diversity, culture, and lifestyle. I know that I will be happier in Columbus. And I will be happier to raise my kid there, too.  I now see a small, culturally vibrant city as THE place to raise a child- mainly for those three "city reasons".

One of the sculptures in the town I grew up in,
which shows its early steel worker heritage.

Diversity: I love learning. I want to learn something new every day if I can. Nothing is better than having someone teach you something new. And as someone who has not had the money or opportunity to travel abroad, living in a city is the next best thing. Oakland, my adopted hometown is the most diverse city in the nation, possibly on earth. I loved walking down the street and going about my day and hearing multiple languages, eating foods from places that I have yet to visit, and attending religious services at so many different places. I value diversity, which is so much more than mere "tolerance". I want my son to be a citizen of the world, pledging his allegiance to nature, people, and the planet's non-human inhabitants- not some artificially fly-by-night operation we call a "nation". Living in a city and ultimately traveling with him will help him see the world is so much bigger than his block or even his own head.  My son will know people of all religions, races, ethnicities, sexual and gender orientations, and physical shape and abilities.

Culture: Art and live performance are things that I crave. I used to organize a poetry slam for years, and booked bands at nightclubs. I helped found a collectively-run gallery and performance space still operating today. I founded and ran a performance festival of local artists for several years. I have an appreciation for people who put their heart and soul into their creative work. And I want to be (and have my son also) surrounded by these creative folks- these culture-makers. I want him to realize that he can do anything- he can play any instrument, dance, tightrope walk, eat or walk on fire, or anything he chooses- and there are people out there who like to do things he has only yet dreamed of. He may like those things, too! I want him to learn that there are many ways to shape and change the world- activism, organizing, art, and performance are a few.

Lifestyle: a higher density lifestyle leads to an appreciation for diversity and empathy for others. I do not want my son to live in a closed off way, where we go from our home to our car and back again (never making contact with others). I want him to go to the neighborhood park and play, ride the bus and meet people, ride a bike to the library and discover people and places that he would not see from the backseat of my Honda Civic. I want him to make friends in music (or dance) class and offer our neighbors some of our homesteading bounty. I want him to see we are all connected, which is easier in a city- which is a human's habitat.

Yes, a connection to nature is important too. Which is why we will be camping, hiking, and fishing regularly. But nature is in the city, too.

Stay tuned for part two, where I talk about how this particular part of the world (Appalachian Ohio), while beautiful, is NOT for me. I need a larger city, I'm afraid.

Where do you live, and what do you love and hate about it? Is it good for raising kids? Why or why not?