Lessons for My Son: Follow Your Passion

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -Howard Thurman

Your mama has been guilty of asking what "the world" needs and supplying it, many times over. As someone deeply interested in building community, I have often taken it upon myself to fill roles that are needed- yet left undone by others. Over and over. And it leads to burnout and resentment. Resentment is a big no-no, Rowan. As film critic and everyday philosopher Roger Ebert says, "Resentment is is allowing someone to live rent-free in a room in your head." And in Witch terms, it is giving away your power.

So a little late in life, your mama realized that a balance needed to be struck. Sometimes we need to do what MUST be done (and learn to say no sometimes), and other times we need to do what feeds our soul. If your soul is starving, you will be of no use to anyone, least of all yourself. Being "selfish" sometimes is a good thing. How is your mama selfish these days?

I am in school- studying things that I am passionate about (social justice, building just and sustainable communities, world religions), even when I am unsure how it will translate into me making a living afterwards. I am following this passion- finding out where it leads. I am confident that it will lead me to an as yet unknown place that will feed me in more ways than one.

I take time to do things purely for pleasure (although probably not as often as I should): I am crafty, have joined a witchy book club and am reading for pleasure, and I take some cheap thrills for myself now and again (like a pedicure or a latte alone).

And the most selfish thing that I have done recently is to forge ahead and have you, Rowan. You came to me in dreams for over a year before you were conceived and I knew I just had to meet you, fears be damned. I know it sounds strange, thinking of a pregnancy and childbirth as selfish (most people view them as selfless), but you are the reason I smile in the mornings (despite being smacked awake with mamamamamama as the soundtrack) and I love that the last thing in my conscious at the end of the day is your form curled up against mine, your smell in my nostrils, and the sound of your breathing lulling me to sleep. Have I told you lately how awesome you are?

In order to have you, I had to give up a few things. But you know what? Sooooo worth it. The original meaning of the word sacrifice applies here- not a martyr making resent-filled offering- but one that you joyously offer up- because that offering becomes sacred in that moment.

What I wish for you is to spend your lifetime finding what brings you joy- and pursuing those things and keeping them in your life. I will help you as a child- introducing you to music, art, dance, games, people, animals, nature, the Gods, and more- and you will tell me what motivates you. Together, we'll explore your passions, preparing you for an adulthood where you do that on your own. "If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Wherever you are—if you are following your bliss, you are enjoying that refreshment, that life within you, all the time."- Joseph Campbell

That does not mean that following your passion is all fun an games. When you find your True Will, there will be hard work and plenty of it. Far from pointless hedonism (which is fun now and again), following your bliss requires dedication and travail. During his later years, when some students mistakenly took him to be encouraging hedonism, Joesph Campbell is reported to have grumbled, "I should have said, 'Follow your blisters.'"

Lessons for My Son: Surrender, Honor, and Trust

"Let go, or be dragged."   -Zen Proverb

Rowan, the lesson of surrender has been a hard one for your mama. We are often told in this culture that surrender is equated with defeat. But that is not the meaning of surrender that I am talking about here. The term has been linked to defeat for myriad reasons, not the least of which is sexism, plain and simple. Many religious traditions have practices that involve complete surrender, such as divine possession or oracular work- and in many of them, that is a traditional role for women or gay men. (Read: passive in that culture's eyes.)

So what do I, specifically, mean by surrender, exactly? I do not mean "giving up", squashing your Will, or submitting your life force to anyone. What I mean is allowing events to take their course and putting trust in your own GodSoul and trust in bigger forces that you are but a part of to do the right thing. It is something mama is still working out, Rowan- but it's one of those things that you know it when you see it. And it is HARD TO DO. I am a do-er kind of person, and simply be-ing and trusting others and other forces is not something that comes naturally. I have to work at it.

Frankly, my caution about setting up a situation and then surrendering to it is because many, many people in this world are huge disappointments and are cowards. You simply cannot trust them to do the right thing, or do anything at all. This is a related lesson- surround yourself with people that strive for impeccability and honor.*

I am not talking about the Jehovah Witness take on the world (the belief that action to create a world (through politics or activism) is wrong and shows that you do not believe that God is omnipotent and benevolent and looks out for His people). That take pisses me off- as it marginalizes people from their own Power. As a Witch, I believe in free will and just action in the world and working your Will.

As a Witch, knowing when to act and when to allow events to take their course is what we call discernment. And it is a skill. Mama will help you cultivate your own discernment as you grow.

---

*As a sidenote, many people think impeccability is not getting into the fray- this is simply not true. Being afraid to get your hands messy is a sign of cowardice, not impeccability.

Lessons for My Son: Fear and Doing the Right Thing

It is not power that corrupts but fear.  Fear of losing power corrupts those who wield it and fear of the scourge of power corrupts those who are subject to it. 

Most Burmese are familiar with the four a-gati, the four kinds of corruption. Chanda-gati, corruption induced by desire, is deviation from the right path in pursuit of bribes or for the sake of those one loves. Dosa-gati is taking the wrong path to spite those against whom one bears ill will, and moga-gati is aberration due to ignorance. But perhaps the worst of the four is bhaya-gati, for not only does bhaya, fear, stifle and slowly destroy all sense of right and wrong, it so often lies at the root of the other three kinds of corruption. Just as chanda-gati, when not the result of sheer avarice, can be caused by fear of want or fear of losing the goodwill of those one loves, so fear of being surpassed, humiliated or injured in some way can provide the impetus for ill will. 

And it would be difficult to dispel ignorance unless there is freedom to pursue the truth unfettered by fear. With so close a relationship between fear and corruption it is little wonder that in any society where fear is rife corruption in all forms becomes deeply entrenched. - Aung San Suu Kyi

The lesson today, Rowan, is that you must not let fear stop you from doing what you need to do or know to be the right course of action. Sometimes you will faced with choices- and none of them seem all that great. All of them may well stink, even. But everything you do in response to your pending decision- act directly, wait, stay silent, or act covertly- should be a deliberate willful act. You should not let fear dictate what your actions should be. You may lose (so-called) friends by acting. You may be seen in a bad light, at least for a while. But if you act out of your truth, with the greater good in mind (not just your ego gratification or self-interest), you will gain something greater than the company of fair-weather friends. You will gain power- and that is priceless.

Will Varner, Surveillance

Power comes from exercising the will despite any obstacles, be they tangible ("I don't have enough money to do that") or intangible ("If I do this, people will see me as foolish."). Power comes from living with integrity and acting with the same. Power is the witches' reward, but also hir awesome responsibility. What you do with that power defines who you are as a person. Are you a person who acts only in hir self-interest? Or are you someone who values tribe, community, and family? Are you a generous person, sharing your gifts with the world? Or are you a miser, clamping down so hard on what you have you crush its value yourself? It is up to you, Rowan.

For those times when you are afraid and aren't sure how to handle it, I leave you with this little gem from the mind of Frank Herbert, science fiction writer:

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
-The Litany Against Fear, from the Dune Series.

Lessons for my Son: Cooperation and Choices

The lesson for today, Rowan, is that (despite what the media tells us) there is far more cooperation in the world than strife. While woe and conflict make for dramatic stories to tell on TV and in newspapers, the everyday reality is nicer and a little more boring.


Take a typical Wednesday in our lives for example:
1. We get up after sleeping on a bed made by a group of people in Mexico. Another group of people brought it to Oakland, where we bought it, and took it home. A similar story exists for all our furniture, sheets, and towels. Anything you see that we use and did not make ourselves exists for us through the cooperation of many hands.

2. We make breakfast: organic fair trade coffee (this is coffee we pick especially because it protects songbirds, the people who do the work to bring it to us, and the environment), organic free range eggs (from a local North Bay farm where the chickens are not kept in cages and they can see the sunlight and scratch for their food), and natural nitrate free sausages (made locally San Leandro!).

All these items came to us from various places- cooperation is in every bite. In order to get them to our kitchen for breakfast, we got into our car (which was created by people working together in a factory in Tennessee), obey laws of traffic (which are all about cooperation to ensure safety), and park in a designated space like all the other cars, and enter the store- the very existence of which is a whole other set of cooperation and negotiation between hundreds if not thousands of people. But going to the market to buy items for breakfast is just not newsworthy, according to some.

You'll notice that the items that I listed for breakfast were very particular. That is because choices matter (even consumer ones). While I am not one to jump on a capitalist bandwagon, I do recognize that the system we live under affords me some degree of choice. Do I want eggs from chickens that suffered, never seeing the light of day and having their feet growing into mesh cages? No- of course I do not. Do I want a known carcinogen in my sausage? Again, no. Do I want to protect the environment by getting certain kinds of coffee, even if it means paying an extra dollar per pound? Yes- that is worth it to me. Having principles that apply how we interact with others, who we interact with and even what we buy and where we buy it affects our choices. We never shop at Wal Mart, for example- this is because they are destroying small businesses, taxing money away form the communities they exist in, and treating their employees quite badly.

3. After some play time at home and getting clean, we head out to Pagan Playdate. This is also an exercise in cooperation. The other parents and I talk throughout the week about where to meet, what to plan, and what would be fun for you to do.

4. After we get home, Daddy usually takes over your care, so that Mommy can get some schoolwork done. This is an example of family cooperation and negotiation that took place.

5. Then we put you in your highchair and wheel you into the kitchen so we can feed you and you can watch us cook. We do this instead of letting you play in the living room, because you have told us that you prefer to have us all together, even if it means that you are in the high chair. So we are cooperating with you, too.

Don't let the media fool you when you are older, son*. People are mostly good, and generally we want the same things: food, water, shelter, ease, and love.




*Rowan does not watch TV right now, as we are following recommendations to keep him from doing so until at least age 2.

Lessons for My Son: Discernment and Integrity

This is the second installment of a regular feature called "Lessons For My Son". In it, I hope to express ideas and concepts that it has taken me 40 years and many mistakes to learn.

The lesson today, Rowan, is that there is no shortcut to becoming an good person. There is no one religion, one book, one guru, or one exercise that will assure that you will make the right decisions, respect others, and be compassionate. All that work must be done on your own. Obeying the law and being a (fill in the blank religion here) does not necessarily build character or make you ethical.

Integrity comes from a lot of hard self work. It does not come from a prescribed set of laws or morals from either government or religion. That is a shortcut for society at large that largely does not work or make for ethical people. (Church going child molesters and cops who murder are examples of this sentiment.) I intend on helping you build your own set of strong ethical convictions, and can help you along the way by modeling, exposing you to as much diversity of thought and experience as I can, and asking strategic questions along the way- but this is your life; your project.You must do the work to make you a good person.

In Feri, we believe that the human soul(s) need to be aligned with the Divine in order to follow what we call "Flow"- or Law- the natural order of things. (Law is a point on the Pearl Pentacle for good reason, coming immediately after the point Love- God Herself's Law is Love)*. When you are aligned with the Divine, you cannot possibly commit evil (like murder, rape, genocide), because evil is borne from the state of disconnection. Evil is disconnection itself.

In a scientific framework, we are all connected to each other. Feri and other religions takes that idea one step further- that we are connected to each other AND the Divine (or that the connection itself is Divine in nature). When we align our soul(s) and tap into that connection, we are "in the flow". When we disconnect ourselves (which in this culture can easily happen) from each other and nature, we lose the flow. That's when things are a struggle. That's when we wage war, cut people off on the freeway, and think of ourselves and not others. It is only in this state that we can commit evil.

Staying connected and compassionate is hard work and requires a regular practice and diligence, Rowan. Much like the Buddhists, I personally do some of this through a sitting practice. Our religious tradition also has amazing tools of alchemy that help transform and purify us (so that aligning with the Divine is easier to do). But don't think that you can do it once and check it off your to-do list. It is not a constant state; instead, we are constantly striving for it. And because we Feri witches deliberately strive for it daily, we are highly integrated, discerning, and ethical people. (That's not to say that we don't make mistakes and aren't mean sometimes. Some of the best people I know slip and fall from time to time.) Feri is a warrior tradition. Using the tools of this tradition makes you strong. But Victor Anderson reminded us that not only do we "not coddle weakness", we also "respect our frailties" as well.

Integrity comes being accountable for our actions. And while we cannot know all the consequences of our actions, I hope you understand that I am teaching you that we are responsible and accountable for what we say and do in the worlds. I hope that you can report years from now that I set a good example for you to follow.

Rowan, you should know that mommy and daddy are witches, but not all witches think the same. Our religious tradition may differ from other forms of religious witchcraft, so I am only speaking as a Feri witch here. Given that many traditions (mine included) are initiatory mystery traditions that you must study, experience, and be initiated into firsthand, I can only speak for me and mine. And given that I have not yet been initiated (commonly one studies for at least 7 years before that may happen), I do not hold ALL of the mysteries yet. Daddy is one step ahead of me on the path.

* The Pearl Pentacle is a tool of Feri alchemy. The five points on it are Love, Law, Knowledge, Power/Liberty, and Wisdom.

Lessons for My Son: You have Power

This is the first installment of a regular feature that I hope to institute called "Lessons For My Son". In it, I hope to express ideas and concepts that it has taken me 40 years and many mistakes to learn.

The lesson today, Rowan, is that your words and actions matter- and so does your silence and inaction. That you have a direct impact on the world- what you say and do matter just as much as what you do not say or do. You help to shape our reality and you have power.

To deny this fact or act as though it were not true (by letting only others do the shaping) is not only false, it is blasphemy, if witches are said to have such a thing. It's not that I haven't seen witches lose their way- I have. I have lost my way once or twice, too. But a witches' role in this world is to be a bridge, a conduit for power between this world and the next. We have sway and power in both these worlds we span- because it is how we are made. We are born for this work.

So, with the theory above expressed- let's get to the tangible parts of the lesson:

• Sitting on the sidelines watching others do or say something mean, harmful, or ugly is just as bad as articipating in it actively. As Audre Lorde said, "Your silence will not protect you." It just makes the world an uglier and unsafer world for a little longer. Best to confront the ugliness head on- and if you need help, ask me. I will be there for you- always.
  
• You must think of the world that you want to live in, that ideal and live as if you are already there- in that world, every day. Live as if the actions and words that you choose will help to shape those around you and the world itself in the image of that ideal- because it DOES. Words and deeds are the everyday magick that helps us weave the web of life and culture.
  
• Allowing others to control your words and deeds because you fear losing their acceptance or approval is giving away your power. Do not allow bullies to strip you of your birthright as a witch*. Even if those bullies claim to be your friends.
  
• Taking action or saying something that only serves to create comfort isn't always the best path. Speaking the truth, as you know it- particularly when it makes some uncomfortable- is most likely a better course of action. C.S.Lewis said, "If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair." More to the point, JFK said, "There are risks and costs to action. But they are far less than the long range risks of comfortable inaction." 

I wish for you to know your power and what you are capable of and to use that power to make the world a better place. And I hope that growing up with a witch's training will help you reach that gnosis a little sooner than most.


* Yes, I believe that you were born a witch. While it something that you must choose to confirm as an adult later in life- you were conceived and are being raised as a witch. You have already shown promising gifts for such a role in life. You are my little witchlet.