Violence In The Home

This quote below really tells how I feel about "gentle discipline" and why, even though I struggle, I will not strike my child out of frustration, anger, or the desire to instill discipline or boundaries in him.

"When I was about twenty years old, I met an old pastor's wife who told me that when she was young and had her first child, she didn't believe in striking children, although spanking kids with a switch pulled from a tree was standard punishment at the time.

But one day when her son was four or five, he did something that she felt warranted a spanking--the first in his life. And she told him he would have to go outside and find a switch for her to hit him with. The boy was gone a long time. And when he came back in, he was crying.

He said to her, 'Mama, I couldn't find a switch, but here's a rock you can throw at me.' All of the sudden a mother understood how the situation felt from the child's point of view: that if my mother wants to hurt me, it makes no difference what she does it with; she might as well do it with a stone.

The mother took the boy onto her lap and they both cried. Then she laid the rock on a shelf in the kitchen to remind herself forever: never violence. Because violence begins in the nursery - one can raise children into violence." -From a peace prize acceptance speech given by Astrid Lindgren, author of Pippi Longstocking

Actions are not the only things that are violent- words can be violent, too. Thinking before we speak, especially to impressionable children, is so important. I struggle with this as well as allowing my son to have his voice in our home.

Allowing our children to say things to us that may be uncomfortable is important. I believe that children are equals- not necessarily in experience, but in value. All too often, people treat children like property, or burdens, or second-class citizens, all because they have lived less time on the planet (in this lifetime, anyway!). I want my child to feel comfortable telling me anything. And so I listen. Often at this stage, when he is trying to get his feelings and ideas expressed in so few words, I must coax and offer new words and ideas to help us understand one another.*

What are your feelings on this topic? Do you believe spanking (or other corporal punishment) is violence? Why or why not?

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*He is learning new words every day and just starting sentences! His first sentence ever was, "I did it!", said in a very proud voice. Sadly, it was not something his mama wanted to do (dump the dog's water), but he was so excited, I had to laugh.)

Reflections from my Book of Shadows: Right Action (And Words)

"Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; for it becomes your destiny."    
-Upanishads

Lately, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my words and deeds in the world- how they affect me, my family, my tribe, and outsiders. I have been spending lots of time in reflection- during sitting practice, after listening to others, and at random points during the day on my role in this world. What is my part to play in my family? My school? My religious community? My relationships? And is this my role because I default to it, or am I actively defining my roles, each and every day with a renewed commitment to them?

I have decided that I will pause before each word or deed and reflect upon them before issuing them forth. This is a way of being conscious and fully present while being with others. It also means that you are actively being the person that you truly wish to be. I define my words and deeds- not vice versa.

A friend of mine, Holly, says that she uses a three fold criteria to evaluate what she says before she says something to another:

Is it truthful? Is it necessary? Is it kind?

A good measure of whether the statement is worthwhile is that the statement must be two of the three in order to be worth putting out there into the world. All else is ego, vanity. I have found this exercise very helpful. Lately, I've had situations where I have had to say things that are truthful and necessary, but not kind. And I struggle with that. But the warrior's path (and being a Witch in the Feri tradition is just that) is not an easy one. And sometimes we have to be fierce and that is more compassionate in the long run than being "kind". To paraphrase Victor Anderson, "Do not coddle your (or another's) weaknesses- but do respect your frailties."

I know that I have hurt people in my life, as they have hurt me. I do try and make that happen less and less and also practice forgiveness, for my own sake if not theirs. I try and apologize when that is required, just, and the timing is right.

I went to a training for a model of group conflict resolution called Restorative Circles last week. I trained in the model and learned how to work on getting any group- be it a family, religious community, non-profit workplace, or any other group- to set up the model. I am looking forward on honing my skills as a facilitator in this model and teaching others as well. I think the world needs more of this. There is far too much strife, woe and infighting. Actively listening to one another, face-to-face, and understanding where another is coming from makes a huge difference. We may not always agree, but we can still be in right relation to one another when this happens. If you are interested in RC in the Bay Area, ask me! I will be actively involved.

Reflections from My Book of Shadows: Putting Belief into Action

Looking through my first Feri Book of Shadows, I came across an exercise that we did as a class with our teacher, T. Thorn Coyle. It is something I wanted to revisit, as it seems helpful to me right now. I often get caught up in my everyday life and its myriad projects and forget the bigger picture of being an alive, present, spiritual person. This exercise serves to remind us of the bigger picture and how we create the world we live in.

Take a piece of paper (or write this in your journal) and write across the top,

"If I believe ________________, then I will __________________."

Then create two columns under that statement.
One for beliefs and one for actions to back up those beliefs.

Here is one of the things I wrote back in my BOS then:

"If I believe that all people deserve and warrant love, then I will work to give love everyday to the people in my life (even when they piss me off)."
(Can you tell that I was working on my curmudgeon tendency? I still am!)

I can see how this exercise would help so many, not just parents (after all, I first did it and got something out of it before Rowan was born). But I see this as especially helpful exercise for parents to do as a way not to lose themselves while they raise their children:

"If I believe that painting makes me a happier more well-rounded person, then I will set aside 3 hours a week to paint." (Then go about hiring a babysitter, or whatever you need to do to make this happen.)


And I see it as helpful for parents to remember the whole picture in relation to their children:

"If I believe that my child deserves to grow up to be a free thinker, then I will allow her/him to make simple age-appropriate choices for him/herself each day." (And then set about to find places in their day to allow for choice (food, clothing, etc.)

If you find this tool helpful, I would love to read your set intentions in the comments below!

Book Review: Parenting With Spirit by Jane Bartlett

This is a lovely book, written from a non-demoninational perspective (while the author uses the term "God", she also interchanges it with "Spirit" and "sacred"). She truly has managed to write a book about sharing the sacred with children that embraces so many faiths- regardless of whether they are part of an organized religion or not. She talks of how religion as an organized force is in decline in most western countries, although more and more people are identifying loosely as "spiritual":

We live in changing times, but so far this spiritual renaissance has largely failed to nurture families. It concerns itself only with the needs of grown-ups; it's individualistic and self-orientated. You will find a wealth of personal development opportunities for adults to discover their "inner child", but few where they can be with their outer child, too!

This gentle book has great practical tips on creating rituals and traditions in your family to anchor a shared spirituality with your children. There is plenty here for people of all faiths to latch onto, including pagans and polytheists. Prayers, rituals, mealtimes, family meetings, story time, playtime, animal care and more- all can reflect a deeper understanding of the sacred to share with children.

For example, on the section for storytime, she shares that she has created a specific weekly ritual on Friday evenings called "Hot Chocolate Night". She makes hot chocolate with her kids, then they all gather around with plenty of shawls, blankets, and pillows to get snuggly. She has picked out stories in advance that she wants to read- sacred stories that teach things she values to her kids. They don't have to be from religious texts- heck, The Lorax is a sacred text to me!

She has some other tips on making plain old story time sacred time:

• Light a large candle to mark the beginning and blow it out to mark the end of story time. 
• Similarly, you could instead use a chime or musical instrument to do the same.
• Use puppets
• Create a basket of props specific to the story, pulling them out one by one in sequence
• Don't relegate story time to a "lull the child to sleep" time. Make it a ritual each week or around seasonal holidays

I particularly enjoyed the chapter on "Creating Sacred Space In Your Home" In it, this Christian author talks about building a family altar and suggests honoring the family's beloved dead (as well as nature) there!

If you are looking for some practical tips on ritualizing your family life and creating traditions, this book is quite handy!

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Formal Rating:

Title: Parenting With Spirit
Author: Jane Bartlett
Publisher: Marlow and Company
Price: $14.95 USD 
ISBN: 1-56924-405-7

Topics Covered: Parenting, Religion, Spirituality, Ritual, Prayer

Target Audience: Families seeking to add a spiritual aspect into their daily family lives.
 
Witch Mom Rating: Two and a Half Hats

Great primer for people starting to create family rituals and traditions and looking for some tips.
Advanced ritualists may find this too basic for their needs.

Lessons for My Son: You have Power

This is the first installment of a regular feature that I hope to institute called "Lessons For My Son". In it, I hope to express ideas and concepts that it has taken me 40 years and many mistakes to learn.

The lesson today, Rowan, is that your words and actions matter- and so does your silence and inaction. That you have a direct impact on the world- what you say and do matter just as much as what you do not say or do. You help to shape our reality and you have power.

To deny this fact or act as though it were not true (by letting only others do the shaping) is not only false, it is blasphemy, if witches are said to have such a thing. It's not that I haven't seen witches lose their way- I have. I have lost my way once or twice, too. But a witches' role in this world is to be a bridge, a conduit for power between this world and the next. We have sway and power in both these worlds we span- because it is how we are made. We are born for this work.

So, with the theory above expressed- let's get to the tangible parts of the lesson:

• Sitting on the sidelines watching others do or say something mean, harmful, or ugly is just as bad as articipating in it actively. As Audre Lorde said, "Your silence will not protect you." It just makes the world an uglier and unsafer world for a little longer. Best to confront the ugliness head on- and if you need help, ask me. I will be there for you- always.
  
• You must think of the world that you want to live in, that ideal and live as if you are already there- in that world, every day. Live as if the actions and words that you choose will help to shape those around you and the world itself in the image of that ideal- because it DOES. Words and deeds are the everyday magick that helps us weave the web of life and culture.
  
• Allowing others to control your words and deeds because you fear losing their acceptance or approval is giving away your power. Do not allow bullies to strip you of your birthright as a witch*. Even if those bullies claim to be your friends.
  
• Taking action or saying something that only serves to create comfort isn't always the best path. Speaking the truth, as you know it- particularly when it makes some uncomfortable- is most likely a better course of action. C.S.Lewis said, "If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair." More to the point, JFK said, "There are risks and costs to action. But they are far less than the long range risks of comfortable inaction." 

I wish for you to know your power and what you are capable of and to use that power to make the world a better place. And I hope that growing up with a witch's training will help you reach that gnosis a little sooner than most.


* Yes, I believe that you were born a witch. While it something that you must choose to confirm as an adult later in life- you were conceived and are being raised as a witch. You have already shown promising gifts for such a role in life. You are my little witchlet.