Raising a Boy

He has been taught from an early age
that men are nurturing, too.

When I was pregnant, I assumed (until an early ultrasound told me differently) that I was carrying a girl. And I was really excited about that- training another strong woman to carry on my tradition of Witchcraft and cunning sounded like a wonderful thing. And then that little lump of flesh (called a penis) on the ultrasound really stunned me.

I must admit, I am now embarrassed and shamed at my very visceral adverse reaction to bearing a boy child (at least we think he;s a boy child- he keeps changing his mind between boy, girl, and goblin). I am not a separatist, nor am I a Dianic Witch (although I dabbled briefly with that path).

I believe that all sexes have value. I was grateful to that ultrasound, because it helped me get my shit together before Rowan arrived- so I could welcome him with all my heart and love him for who he is, regardless of genitalia, chromosomes, or (what will develop later) identity.

And I am happy to say that Rowan is an amazing human being and I would not have any other child, regardless of genitals, in his place. Every need I somehow had in my head about having a daughter has been filled by him, and then some. Rowan is mine and also his own- a truly unique individual who is not defined by his junk any more than I am.

Pink fuzzy sweater and a pigtail?
Why yes, please.

But raising a boy presents its own cultural challenges. I believe in raising kids as free as possible from kyriarchical standards (or what I have called the "Gender Agenda" in previous posts). And when raising a boy, you have many many people laying assumptions down on how to raise that boy so that they live up to the privileges and expectations that society dumps on them.* There is a lot of influence that I will have on him, but I fear about the messages he will ultimately get from others who would pigeonhole him into a role not of his own choosing.

For example, there's the issue with Rowan's appearance. 

We allow him to choose his own clothes, hair, and accessories. We believe and are teaching him that his body is his own and he can adorn it any way he likes. No one has the right to do things to his body, including dressing him in drab**, that he does not consent to.

Uniquely Rowan.

Much to his Pap Pap's chagrin, he has chosen sparkles, colors like pink and purple, rainbows, long hair, and glitter. And who can blame him? His mama is part magpie, so why wouldn't he be? He choses not to cut his hair (and believe me we ask him weekly if he wants to cut it- since he hates having it brushed). His hair is down to his butt and is most often pulled back into a utilitarian ponytail and often has barrettes in it to keep the shorter front pieces from getting gross from food. They make most barrettes in "girl colors" and "girl designs". (Rowan does not mind having multi-colored butterflies in his hair at all, but what about kids that do not like such "girly" things? Where are the gender neutral barrettes for kids- like dinosaurs?)  In related feelings, I hate that we assign gender to inanimate objects, colors, and patterns. It sucks.)

A Beltaine outfit
of his own choosing.

His choices lead him to be "girled" a lot. Our family, including Rowan, don't actually care. But the reactions we get from people being corrected range for horror to shame to confusion. And this perplexes Rowan enough to comment on it. "They think I'm a girl, mommy." "Yes, they do." I reply.  "Do you think you are a girl?" "No", he says. "I'm a little boy." Fair enough.

But it should also be noted that sometimes he tells me that he wants to grow up and be a lady like mommy. And some days he wants to have a beard like daddy. And the fact that he doesn't know or has made up his mind is fine by us. But it squicks a lot of people out. I bet that this phase is probably far more natural than in the children that had their gender chosen for them and forced to wear, say, and act certain things to reinforce their parent's idea of what a boy or girl "is".

Then there is the culture of violence that we force upon boy children. 

When we go to playgrounds, inevitably we run into boys playing war games with toy guns. It disturbs me that violence is considered fun and I have mentioned this to Rowan. He doesn't seem to like this kind of play either- because he always tells those boys "Go away! I don't like to play that." I don't know if this is a simple projection of me and my distaste, coming from him and his dislike, or a combination of the two. But I will NOT train my son that hurting or killing people is a fun game. We will not have video games like that in our home (ever) and we carefully screen his media intake. It seems like here in Ohio, almost all boys are all taught killing is fun from a young age. I like to think that I am giving Rowan more options in how to become a man (if he choses to be one). When his Pap Pap says, "He's a boy!" as if that objection to long hair makes sense, we tell him, "Yes he is a boy with long hair. There is more than one way to be a little boy." (And frankly, if you think there is only one way to be a boy or man I feel sorry for you.)

Some days he's a boy.
Sometimes he's a girl.
Somedays, he's a goblin or robot.
But he's ALWAYS shiny.

In the wake of the Steubenville and Indian rape cases, I have been thinking a lot about how to raise a boy in this culture- one that I personally am often horrified by. And to me, the answer is mostly - you don't. My son is not being raised steeped IN this culture, but alongside it. His parents often reject what society has deemed of value- and we are teaching him to value things like autonomy, freedom, responsibility, friendship and kin, and love over things like money and acquisition, domination, control and force, and the fleeting futility of "identity".

With a preschooler, the messages and steps we take look like this:

He has strict media limits.

No one, especially corporate interests, are going to tell my son how he should be. I limit "screen time" to 2 hours a day and even then- it does not happen *every* day. He never watches actual TV (with commercials and news breaks) in my home, but instead watches educational streaming video instead (no commercials, only approved programs). It may sound over-the-top to some parents, but a recent study has found that carefully curating what preschoolers and younger watch determines their aggression level. So Rowan picks from Sesame Street, Yo Gabba Gabba, Super Why, Curious George, Dinosaur Train, Word Girl, Dora the Explorer, and Go Diego Go, mostly. And still, there have been subtle messages in some of those programs that I disagree with and we talk about what we see together. He has no filters at this age- so I must help him do that. He also watches nature documentaries. He also only watches movies when mama and daddy is there to have dialogue with him about what he is seeing. Recently, he saw Wreck It Ralph and Despicable Me. We had talks about bullies, "bad guys", and being nice. In both movies, the "bad guy" turns out to be a good guy. So Rowan has been talking a lot about that lately.

He hears commercials on the music station that we listen to in the car sometimes. And I help him filter those messages, too. "They are talking about that because they want you to buy something, Rowan. They paid money to get on the radio to talk to you. They have an agenda- what do you think that agenda is?"

He is being taught that his body is his to with as he chooses.

(But mama and daddy sometimes need to intervene for his health- like making him eat greens or brushing his hair.) I remember applauding Jada Pinkett-Smith when she defended her daughter's right to crop her short and wear "boyish" clothes. Smith talked about how it was her daughter's body and she got to choose what happened to it. What a powerful message for that child to get from a loving parent!

Being a lightening bug
for Halloween.

No one decides for him how to express himself, as long as he is not harming himself or anyone else. So he will decide when to cut his hair, start potty training in earnest, and when he can be tickled or hugged. And we teach him that others get to make these decisions for themselves, too. So he is getting the "no means no" talk, even before his sexual awakening. We even gave daddy a time out once, for tickling without getting consent first (that made Rowan smile really big, to make daddy get a time out!).

And he will get all versions of the "no means no" talk along with the "yes means consequences- good and bad" talk when he does have that awakening. He will be getting sex education that not only has the bad consequences as a scare tactic (pregnancy, STIs) but also what makes a good relationship, what kinds of sex there are, full anatomy disclosure, and more.





In the wake of the Catholic Church and other predations upon children in the news, I am struggling with the loss of innocence that comes as I teach him about secrets, touching, and that not everyone is a nice person. But I know this message will keep him safe- so I have bought a book called "Not every Secret Should be Kept" and we started to talk about keeping safe and talking to mama and daddy about things that happen when we are not around.

We also teach him that affection and touching (as well as expressing his feelings) are wonderful human things to do.

So many men are emotionally stunted because of their conditioning as children. This manifests itself in emotionally unavailable partners and fathers, an obsession with sex (as a replacement for love), and a horrible repetition of the cycle. We strive to have Rowan be fully human- that is, not be limited by what others consider "normal" male behavior. Just as the parents of daughters must struggle with this issue, so must parents of boys- just in different ways.

In what ways have you found raising your kids, especially in regards to gender and culture difficult? What has been easy? What are you doing to educate you children about gender roles and expectations?

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*Raising a girl has its own challenges- don't get me wrong. I just knew what I was in for with having a daughter- having been one myself. I was just unprepared for the particulars of raising a boy as a non-kyriarchal feminist household.

** Drab is the costume we give to boys and men in our highly gendered culture- dull colors, less interesting tailoring, less patterns. Drab is the boring version of drag- which is also a gendered costume.