Carnival of Natural Parenting: Learning from Children

Welcome to the January Carnival of Natural Parenting: Learning from children

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared the many lessons their children have taught them. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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"You learn something every day
if you pay attention."  -Ray LeBlond

We are often reminded that we learn as much from our children as they learn from us. As my son is just turning a year old, he has much yet to teach me. But his lessons so far have been miraculous: more than any meditation practice in which I have participated, my son reminds me to be present, in the here and now, at all times. I am not just talking about being present so that I can be vigilant and watch for his safety. 

No- Rowan wakes with boisterous enthusiasm, laughing and smiling at the new day and slapping his sleeping mama's form next to him so that she can wake and witness it with him. It's hard to be morning-grumpy when he's so simply happy to be alive.

"Eh?"

At 11 months, he now points at everything and asks "eh?" which is his pre-vocabulary way of asking any and all questions.  Often, he does it when he sees something for the first time and wants to know what it is and if he can touch it. 

I have been astonished at all the things he notices that I am simply not seeing- usually items of great beauty- rocks, flowers, birds, that sort of thing. Here is a mundane example: the morning right before our big holiday meal, I was at the grocery store, frantically putting my list items in my cart, with Rowan in the front seat. I answered his "Eh?" questions about canned foods, produce, and bagged bread, but there were more "Ehs" than I knew what he was referring to. Then he got his chance to show obtuse mommy what it was all about. There was a foil helium balloon at my eye level on a holiday baking display. "Oh, look! It's a balloon!", I said, thinking that I was showing him something neat. "Ballooooon." And I moved it closer to him so he could see it, touch it, and explore it. It was shiny and sparkly, like most of his favorite things. 

After a minute or so, I put the balloon back and started my shopping again. Soon, he was like "Eh?" "eh?" "eh?" "eh?" "eh?" "eh?" "eh?" "eh?" pointing everywhere. How did I miss that the store had decked out the entire place with helium balloons for the holidays? (Forehead slap) They were freaking everywhere, and I had failed to see any of them. Rowan didn't. He not only has what the Buddhists call beginner's mind, he has beginner's eyes, too.

"All the world is a laboratory
to the inquiring mind."  -Martin H. Fischer

It was quite telling to me that what I missed was a balloon. These are items solely created for pleasure and decoration- I was missing beauty and whimsy because I was too caught up in my agenda for the day! Lesson learned!

As Mark Twain quipped,  "Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned." I have got to unlearn my hyper productivity and slow down and simply BE with my child.

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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon January 11 with all the carnival links.)

• Affection — Alicia at I Found My Feet has finally become a hugger and kisser, now she has someone sweet and small to snuggle with. (@aliciafagan)
• Learning from Daniel — Amy at Anktangle hopes that she and her husband will always be open to learning from their son. (@anktangle)
• Kids Cultivate Awareness of Universal Truths — From forgiveness to joy, Amy Phoenix at Innate Wholeness has become aware of deep truths that come naturally to children. (@InnateWholeness)
• What the Apple Teaches the Tree — Becky at Future Legacy has learned about imagination, forgiveness, and strength.
• A Lesson in Slowing Time — Bethy at Bounce Me To the Moon revels in the chance to just be with her baby.
• Learning From My Children: I Am So Honored — WAHM Chante at My Natural Motherhood Journey is learning to choose tea parties over work. (@MyMotheringPath)
• P-A-T-I-E-N-C-E — Now that she's a mother, Danielle at born.in.japan is finally learning about a personality trait she lacked. (@borninjp)
• Top 5 Homeschool Lessons My Children Taught Me — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares what she learned from homeschooling her (now grown) children. (@DebChitwood)
• Learning to Live in the Present By Looking to the Future — Dionna at Code Name: Mama finds the patience to be a gentle parent, because she knows how fleeting childhood really is. (@CodeNameMama)
• The watchful Buddha boy — At Dreaming Aloud, they are learning to cherish their thoughtful, sensitive child in a action-driven, noisy world. (@DreamingAloudNt)
• What My Children Taught Me — Dulce de Leche's children have taught her to value herself for the wonderful person and mother she is.
• Lessons from the First Year — Having a child made Emily at Crunchy(ish) Mama realize that her decisions affect more than just herself. (@CrunchyishMama)
• Lessons from Loss — Erica at ChildOrganics learned so much from the love — and loss — of her sweet Bella, five years ago. (@ChildOrganics)
• The Socratic Baby — Erin at Multiple Musings has so-called "identical" twins to serve as a daily lesson in nature vs. nurture. (@ErinLittle)
• Learning to be a Mother — Farmer's Daughter learned the type of patience that enabled her to calmly eat one-handed for months and change clothes seven times a day, before noon. (@FarmDaughter)
• A Few Things Being a Mom Has Taught Me — Heather at Musing Mommy shares the curious, hilarious, and sometimes Murphy's Law-like tidbits we learn from our children. (@xakana)
• I Feel You — Motherhood has taught Jamey from At the Bee Hive empathy, and it extends beyond just her child. (@JameyBly)
• Lessons From My Child… — Jenny at I'm a full-time mummy shares the inspiring ways she's learned to expect the unexpected — and have a camera ready! (@imaftmummy)
• My child is my mirror — Jessica Claire at Crunchy-Chewy Mama has seen herself in her children – and it's not bad. (@crunchychewy)
• There is enough to go around… — Kellie at Our Mindful Life learned that love doesn't diminish when it's shared.
• Learning From Our Children, Every Day — Kimberly at Homeschooling in Nova Scotia, Canada is continually inspired by her children. (@UsborneBooksCB)
• Life Lessons From My Children — Kristen at Adventures in Mommyhood has learned that every slug is fascinating, doing the dishes is fun, and sharing a banana is a delight. (@crunchymamato2)
• Things I've Learned From My Children — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings uses pictures to share what she has learned from her children. (@sunfrog)
• Beyond the questions lies the answer — Lauren at Hobo Mama stopped wondering and started knowing — loving and liking our children comes naturally. (@Hobo_Mama)
• Learning from Children — Lily, aka Witch Mom, finds out just how enchanting balloons can be. (@LilyShahar)
• Lifelong Learning — Lindsay at Living in Harmony has learned that what works for one kid might not work for another. (@AttachedMama)
• Walking alongside my daughter — Lindsey at Mama Cum Laude is learning to give the clock less power over her family's life.
• Things my baby taught me about me — Luschka at Diary of a First Child is proud of how she has grown as a mother. (@lvano)
• From my children, I have learned — Mama Mo at Attached at the Nip has a litany of beautiful lessons, from selflessness to sleeplessness.
• The Little Things in Life — In a simple and lovely prose poem, Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children shows how adults worry about the wrong things and forget the little, important ones: watching ladybugs, jumping in leaves, cherishing each moment as it comes.
• The Virtues of Motherhood — Melissa at The New Mommy Files has had opportunities to learn from children as both a teacher and a mother. (@NewMommyFiles)
• My Kids Have Taught Me That It's Time To Stop Blogging — Melodie at Breastfeeding Moms Unite! has learned that childhoods fly by too fast to blog. We'll miss your wonderful online presence, Melodie, and we wish you much peace and happiness. (@bfmom)
• Having Kids Has Taught me a Thing or Two — Michelle at The Parent Vortex learns all day long — from fun facts about hedgehogs to tying a complicated wrap with a screaming child and an audience. (@TheParentVortex)
• We Could All Learn from the Children — Momma Jorje takes time to get on the floor and play so that she can see the world through her child's eyes.
• Teaching Forgiveness — Mrs Green at Little Green Blog has a daughter who's taught her unconditional love — even when she feels like she does't deserve it. (@littlegreenblog)
• Parenting as a joint venture — Olivia at Write About Birth appreciates watching the astonishing way her children learn. (@writeaboutbirth)
• Beginner's Mind — Rachael at The Variegated Life learns from a child who builds bridges to nowhere, calls letter magnets his numbers, and insists dinnertime is truck time. (@RachaelNevins)
• A baby's present — RS at A Haircut and a Shave presents a short poem on the differences between a baby's mindfulness and ours.
• Self-Confidence Was Born With My Daughter — Sara at Halfway Crunchy learned to trust her instincts by responding to her child's needs — and saw her self-confidence bloom.
• The Importance of Being Less Earnest — Seonaid at The Practical Dilettante has one list of earnest and one list of silly things she has learned as a parent. (@seonaid_lee)
• Lessons my children have taught me — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes learned that attachment parenting was the best way to meet the needs of her child and herself. (@Sheryljesin)
• Till the water is clear — Stacy at Mama-Om learns that being present is the best present. (@mama_om)
• I Hold It — Stefanie at Very, Very Fine has learned that the ability to communicate is much more important than the number of words a child knows.
• What My Children Taught Me About Letting Go — Summer at Finding Summer is learning from her kids to laugh in the face of heartache. (@summerminor)
• Finding My Tools — The Artsymama has applied some of what she's learned as a mama in the classroom, with great results!

Lessons for My Son: Follow Your Passion

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -Howard Thurman

Your mama has been guilty of asking what "the world" needs and supplying it, many times over. As someone deeply interested in building community, I have often taken it upon myself to fill roles that are needed- yet left undone by others. Over and over. And it leads to burnout and resentment. Resentment is a big no-no, Rowan. As film critic and everyday philosopher Roger Ebert says, "Resentment is is allowing someone to live rent-free in a room in your head." And in Witch terms, it is giving away your power.

So a little late in life, your mama realized that a balance needed to be struck. Sometimes we need to do what MUST be done (and learn to say no sometimes), and other times we need to do what feeds our soul. If your soul is starving, you will be of no use to anyone, least of all yourself. Being "selfish" sometimes is a good thing. How is your mama selfish these days?

I am in school- studying things that I am passionate about (social justice, building just and sustainable communities, world religions), even when I am unsure how it will translate into me making a living afterwards. I am following this passion- finding out where it leads. I am confident that it will lead me to an as yet unknown place that will feed me in more ways than one.

I take time to do things purely for pleasure (although probably not as often as I should): I am crafty, have joined a witchy book club and am reading for pleasure, and I take some cheap thrills for myself now and again (like a pedicure or a latte alone).

And the most selfish thing that I have done recently is to forge ahead and have you, Rowan. You came to me in dreams for over a year before you were conceived and I knew I just had to meet you, fears be damned. I know it sounds strange, thinking of a pregnancy and childbirth as selfish (most people view them as selfless), but you are the reason I smile in the mornings (despite being smacked awake with mamamamamama as the soundtrack) and I love that the last thing in my conscious at the end of the day is your form curled up against mine, your smell in my nostrils, and the sound of your breathing lulling me to sleep. Have I told you lately how awesome you are?

In order to have you, I had to give up a few things. But you know what? Sooooo worth it. The original meaning of the word sacrifice applies here- not a martyr making resent-filled offering- but one that you joyously offer up- because that offering becomes sacred in that moment.

What I wish for you is to spend your lifetime finding what brings you joy- and pursuing those things and keeping them in your life. I will help you as a child- introducing you to music, art, dance, games, people, animals, nature, the Gods, and more- and you will tell me what motivates you. Together, we'll explore your passions, preparing you for an adulthood where you do that on your own. "If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Wherever you are—if you are following your bliss, you are enjoying that refreshment, that life within you, all the time."- Joseph Campbell

That does not mean that following your passion is all fun an games. When you find your True Will, there will be hard work and plenty of it. Far from pointless hedonism (which is fun now and again), following your bliss requires dedication and travail. During his later years, when some students mistakenly took him to be encouraging hedonism, Joesph Campbell is reported to have grumbled, "I should have said, 'Follow your blisters.'"

Happy Sviata Vechera!

As someone in seminary studying multi-religious education, I enjoy learning about new holidays. Here is one that I have learned about this year: Sviata Vechera.

January 6th is a traditional Ukrainian Orthodox holiday called Sviata Vechera. While the holiday in modern times is now held on December 24th (Christmas eve), many Ukrainians hold to the old calendar which would place the holiday today, on January 6th. Like most Christian rituals, it has borrowed heavily from pagan sources for inspiration and is quite easily turned back into a pagan ritual if you so desire. It is quite beautiful.

The Holy Supper is a ritual meal, and like many such meals in many traditions, most devout Ukrainains fast before this feast as a part of their religious devotion. With this holiday, the feast isn't served until the first star of night is observed (many industrious Ukrainians send the kids outside to play as they prepare the space and the food for the feast to do this task). Before the star is observed, it is tradition for agricultural folk to make sure all the livestock and animals were feasting themselves and the table is decked out with the finest linens and table runners (made for this specific feast) and candles and greenery. There is a centerpiece loaf of bread that is a triad of round braided loaves called the kolach, which is flanked by greenery and two candles. Hay is scattered under the table (to symbolize the humbleness of Christ's birth), although more than one witch (with a Ukrainian background) I know have re-appropriated the symbolism of the entire meal to more witchy meanings. (Warning: link has delightfully funny obscenities and is not safe for work).

The meal itself is a ritual meal: 12 dishes over 4 courses. There is call and response chanting during the meal. Afterwards, the entire meal is left out overnight for the ancestors to feast upon it. (That part is my witchy favorite).

Does your tradition partake in a ritual meal?

The Importance of Community

"Ubunto" is the essence of being human. A person is a person through other persons. You can't be human in isolation. You are human only in relationships."  -Archbishop Desmond Tutu

Most people have a great need to belong, even the ones that don't "fit in" to the overculture. I am no exception. I have craved community since I was small and as a result have spent most of my adult life living in communal houses and even took a (failed) stab at co-housing. I have worked at collectives and worker-owned cooperatives (or even non-profits where there was a strong communal culture). I have been drawn to community since I was small (be they religious traditions or girl scout camp- anything and everything that I was offered, really). I have considered moving to a commune many times (but thought that the vegan hippies would drive me crazy). I have participated in internet community experiments as well.

Sharing without squabbles.

One of the problems with being in community is all the damn people you have to deal with (she says, only half joking)! People are messy, aren't they? And their individual messes tend not to stay that way- people tend to leak onto others- causing conflict, miscommunication, hurt, distrust, and strife. There are so many issues that arise when working or living in community: How does one stay in community when often there are one or more individuals who seem to not value the group- and are only looking out for themselves? How do we share the work equally when not all people are equally skilled or able? How do we deal with issues of leadership or power? And how do we share power?

These are the questions that take a lifetime for each person to answer for themselves, while existing in relation to others. Community only works when everyone involved actually values it. Nothing is more frustrating when people that you are in community with deny the connection itself and disrespect people in the community in the process. Holding people accountable to the community is a hard task. After trying to reconcile issues and having some frank discussions, if there is still someone causing more woe than woohoo, I personally have no problems saying, "buh-bye". Communities only have responsibility to those that understand their responsibility toward the community in turn.

Together, people can do amazing things.

These big questions about to exist in community, even in times of strife, are ones that can only be answered by the groups themselves- there are no universal answers that will work for every group. And what that means is there needs to be lots of talking ABOUT process before actually trying to use the process itself. While I am one of those anarchist-leaning people that wishes to have an egalitarian decision making structure- that model only works when all are informed and involved in the process. It's a lot more work than assigning someone to lead and just simply doing what they say. If you don't work for it, you don't deserve it.

No one that I have ever met has only one community. The world is not that simple anymore for most people. Some of the communities that I belong to, for example, are: my family, my school, my religious tradition, and the radical faeries. Each community functions differently and I am called to do different things and be in relation with others differently in each one. In my family, I am one of the heads of the household. I am a mama and a partner in the every day, and a daughter and a sibling when communicating with my family of origin. In the radical faeries, I am one of many- we are all co-creating community together in each moment. There is value placed on presence, showing up, reconciliation, speaking your feelings, and being heard. In my religious community, I am a student with an intimate relationship to my teacher and a handful of others. It should not surprise anyone who has spent time in a religious community that I do not like everyone in the community nor do I wish to spend a lot of time with some of them. Such is the nature of community. We have to be grown ups and be civil to those that are disagreeable.

So what does community mean to me, and what do I offer? These are questions that everyone needs to ask themselves before entering a new community. For example, I am considering becoming a member of my local Oakland UU church- a commitment that the church takes quite seriously- you need to attend three meetings after church that last a couple hours each before considering it. They talk about the church and volunteer opportunities, UU history and where the church fits into that history, and plugging you into what they have built.

Last month, I went to a great training in Restorative Circles (related to but not identical to the idea of Restorative Justice), a process that helps any size and type group communicate well with the aim at reconciliation. It is a powerful model that has assisted in families, religious congregations, workplaces, neighborhoods, and more. It is adaptable and flexible- yet strong enough to get the job done. I look forward to honing my skills as a facilitator in this model, so that I can be of service to the communities I belong to.

New Year's Resolutions

Gorgeous nature scene #1!

So it is that time of year again- when we (who follow the Gregorian calendar, that is) all sit down and create goals for ourselves for the coming year. I have always been an ambitious person; a go-getter. So my resolutions are plenty, but usually I pick 4 "areas" for resolutions to fall into: Career/School, Motherhood, Personal, and Relationships.

Career/School: I am still getting a Master's Degree, and am less than half of the way there, I think. I am meeting with my advisor next month to assess what I need to do and what I need to take in order to finish. I have already decided that spending time with my son is more important than graduating as soon as possible, so I will only go half time. I need to find a non-profit organization that will be willing to pay for 1/4 of my salary, as I have some unused work study money that we could really use.

Stunning nature scene #2!

Motherhood: My main goal this year is to take lots of time with Rowan and enjoy our budding relationship and his ever expanding personality. I will continue to organize playgroups and social time for him as well ensuring that he gets lots of mommy and daddy time.

Personal: I am taking up a few hobbies: embroidery, reading for pleasure, and want to cultivate more friendships this year. I want to get back in shape after having the baby. I hope to be initiated into my religious tradition this year. And I continue to seek out and build my tribe.

Relationships: I am looking to reinforce existing relationships and cultivate even more relationships this year- I am in need of downtime with friends and would love to find a babysitter so I can enjoy some adult time a couple times a month. Being pregnant and then having a small baby took its toll on my social life- and now I'd slowly like to get some back!