Rest in Peace, Matthew Shepherd. May Your Sacrifice Not Be In Vain.

Fourteen years ago today, Matthew Shepherd was found barely alive, strung up on a fence left for dead. All because he was different.

Queers of all stripes face discrimination, bullying, and worse. Still to this day. The fight is far from over, what with religious zealots stating that bigotry is protected by religious freedoms and politicians actively trying to take back what little equal rights have been won.

The bigotry is obvious when it is straight-on-gay, white-on-person-of-color, or against the differently-abled. But what is less obvious are the ways that people within their own communities tear one another down and rip community apart with petty differences and the kind of bullying that happens on a junior high schoolyard.

The other day my partner (Rowan's father) went to a party. Some of you may not know that my partner and I both identify as "queer"- my partner is primarily what most would call "gay" and I am primarily what most would call "bisexual". Well, he really desires to be in community in our new city of Columbus with other "gay men", and this party had many of them, so off he went (I stayed home to watch Rowan, even though I was invited as well).

When he got there, he found himself at the mercy of well-established cliques based on looks and societal desirability. One particularly cruel person joked that because he lived with a woman and had a child with her that he was an "unsuccessful homosexual". My partner is an introvert. He is new to this community. So he left early, sad. Had I been there, that bitchy queen would have gotten an earful:

"Excuse me, is this junior high? Because I hear a schoolyard bully. No one gave you permission to police the borders of identity, sir. And if (my partner) is "unsuccessful" by your standards, then he must be an amazing person. Because your standards dictate that you must ostracize good, loving people from your midst. That must mean that you and your friends here are cruel, small hearted, small minded, jerks. You, sir, are petty and mean. You are a small person who makes himself unworthy of my partner's love and care through his own words and deeds. While you seek to name others as undesireable, YOU are the one who is really ugly here."

I have a long history of fighting bullies, starting as a small child. The fact that I have had to fight them my whole life makes me weary. I simply cannot stand cruelty and must act. I defended helpless animals in my neighborhood from traps in gardens and from neighborhood boys. I was once caught pummeling a neighbor boy for smearing a lightning bug on his pants to make them glow. I kicked the crap out of people stomping on ants or pulling legs off of daddy-long-legs (spiders). When I got older, I got a bully to stop picking on some kids on the playground and people started paying me a nickel a day to protect them.

I have never been able to watch movies where people are deliberately cruel to one another- it makes me sick to my stomach. I started a queer anti-hate crim patrol in Boston and led the one in San Francisco. I have disarmed bullies with knives and guns who wanted to harm people for being different.

It sickens me that this kind of bullying happens in communities of which I am a part. It happens at church, it happens amongst queers, and it happens on my son's playground. But when I bear witness, it ends with me.

I will foster empathy in my son. I will call adults out on boorish behavior and talk gently to children who bully. I will think before I speak when I have judgments in my head. It ends with me.

3rd Annual Pagan Values Month

I was delighted to find out that June is (in addition to Queer Pride month) Pagan Values month, a time when we bloggers and podcasters can hash out just what it is we stand for and help the world understand what we are all about. I will be joining the ranks of (hopefully) many other bloggers making a statement of what I believe.

I want to start here by saying that "Pagan" is not necessarily a term that I personally identify with- I identify as a Witch. But I use "Pagan" as a catch-all umbrella term to lump lots of people together who are natural allies. They are minority, non-Abrahamic religions that include many earth-centered (or not!), magick working (or not!), and polytheistic (or not!) folks. Some are animists, some are pantheists, and some (mysteriously) don't really work with gods at all. Not all categories apply to all folks falling under the umbrella- hence my ambivalence about the term as applied to me. But being a great lover of community, bridge-building, and organizing to make the world a better place, I embrace the term as one of political expedience, coalition-building, and cultural shorthand.

So given that caveat, let's get to the task at hand, shall we? What do I believe and how does that inform my values?

1. The gods are real. To quote Raven Kaldera in his fab essay, "On Being a Neo-Pagan Fundamentalist": "The first, and most important tenet, is that a Neo-Pagan fundamentalist actually believes in the existence of every single deity that s/he worships. Deities are not merely theoretical archetypes, nor vague energy forms that can be ordered about by the human mind, nor merely parts of our own deep selves. They do not depend on human attention and worship to exist, although the lack of it may weaken their connection to the world. They have their own lives and personalities when we are not interacting with them, and yes, they are more powerful than we are." I work with many god/desses and "believe" in them all. When Christians ask me if I believe in God, I usually say, "Yes- but which one are you talking about specifically?" I believe in the god that their Bible speaks of, I just don't like that one very much and do not work with him. Which leads me to #2:

2. I myself am a god and am equal to other gods. You heard me. I am divine in my own right and when I worship a god, it is not prostrating myself and submitting myself. I kneel before a god in reverence the same way I kneel before a lover. I worship them as I would a lover as well. The reason I don't much like the Christian god or want to work with him is he seems to demand submission of life force from his followers and monogamy (the whole "no other gods before me" jazz), two things I don't approve of for myself. I am a hard polytheist, don't submit my life force to any one or any thing, and not very monogamous. Your mileage may vary.


3. Magic(k) is real- so are other realms that we don't always see and so are other non-corporeal beings. The world is not a rational place, no matter how convenient a reality that would be for us. There is Mystery and Paradox and I am comfortable with that.

4. Many paths lead to the same place. I have gladly gone to Jewish Renewal Shabbat services, Sufi Zhikrs, and worship at Unitarian churches. I have chanted and broken bread with Hare Krishnas and tantrics. I have sat in Buddhist meditation centers and listened to dharma talks. As long as a religion is open to me and my beliefs, I am open and happy to explore them. They all hold truths. No one has a monopoly on ethical behavior and the "one true way" is a lie- which leads me to #5:

5. Diversity is good. Genderful, sexual, and racial diversity! Different ages, physical abilities, mental abilities, ethnicities, points of view, and religions! All these differences are fascinating, delightful, make the world interesting place and are virtues. The fact that there are political minorities left out of decision making or denied the same rights as others is unethical and anti-religious. Which leads me to #6:

6. Religion that divides us or inspires hate is not religion. It deserves no audience. As I said in an earlier post on this blog, "Simply put, a theology that preaches disconnection from others, regardless of the reason, is not a real religion- it is simply hate speech wrapped up in a corrupt theology. You heard me. Yes, I said that. I am calling recent statements by the pope and Mormon deacons unreligious.

Religion, at its core, is an idea of wholeness- from creation to destruction and everything in between. It encompasses all of humanity and indeed all of creation. A church that does not embrace all living things as equals, one that sees some people as more inherently virtuous than others is not a religious institution. When done properly, religion cannot be used as an instrument of hate. When it is, calling it religion is a misnomer."

7. Community is something we need, crave, and should be actively building, not ripping down. I am weary of "Witch wars" and pagan drama. I hate factions within my other communities, too. We have more in common than not, and we need one another, like it or not. I am curmudgeonly and misanthropic at times, but I value community and tribe and family and recognize its place. Anyone who works to divide us (through malicious speech, violence, covert actions, or otherwise) is acting against their on interests. I try and avoid people like that, all the while acting to ameliorate their damage to the greater good. which leads me to #8:

8. Compassion is at the center of religious thought. "Passion" literally means "to suffer" (think passion of the Christ for those unfamiliar with this definition), and "compassion" means to "suffer with others", in other words, to feel others' pain.

The Buddhists, when they talk of life as suffering, are correct. (That is not to say that life is misery and woe and that there is no beauty. Far from it- that particular take on the word "suffering" is incorrect and a modern spin for our comfort-driven society.) We all suffer to live- and we cause others' suffering while we live and to continue our own lives (at the expense of others). Does this fact mean we cannot be compassionate? No. It means it is our duty to feel the others' pain and offer it up as a sacred offering.

From a Kabbalistic standpoint, compassion is located at the Tiphareth sephirot- the very center of the Tree of Life. It is that way for a very specific reason. It is at the heart of not only everyday spiritual practice, but mystical practice as well. All paths leads to and from this place/state of being.

As a Witch, I believe that when you have compassion, you suffer with others, then you offer it up (I personally offer it to my patroness- it is her favorite flavor.).

Now, many times compassion is confused with pity or allowing others to continually make mistakes. Let me make this clear- compassion for others is not what Victor Anderson called "coddling weakness", rather- it often takes the form of a swift kick in the pants (what many Buddhists call ruthless compassion or fierce compassion). But Victor also wisely added that we need to "respect one another's frailties" as well. We cannot become indifferent to others, if we do- we risk becoming disconnected from one another and God Herself. Disconnection breaks the web of life.

These are a few of the things I believe as a Witch and will teach my son. What are your "pagan values"?

The Importance of Community

"Ubunto" is the essence of being human. A person is a person through other persons. You can't be human in isolation. You are human only in relationships."  -Archbishop Desmond Tutu

Most people have a great need to belong, even the ones that don't "fit in" to the overculture. I am no exception. I have craved community since I was small and as a result have spent most of my adult life living in communal houses and even took a (failed) stab at co-housing. I have worked at collectives and worker-owned cooperatives (or even non-profits where there was a strong communal culture). I have been drawn to community since I was small (be they religious traditions or girl scout camp- anything and everything that I was offered, really). I have considered moving to a commune many times (but thought that the vegan hippies would drive me crazy). I have participated in internet community experiments as well.

Sharing without squabbles.

One of the problems with being in community is all the damn people you have to deal with (she says, only half joking)! People are messy, aren't they? And their individual messes tend not to stay that way- people tend to leak onto others- causing conflict, miscommunication, hurt, distrust, and strife. There are so many issues that arise when working or living in community: How does one stay in community when often there are one or more individuals who seem to not value the group- and are only looking out for themselves? How do we share the work equally when not all people are equally skilled or able? How do we deal with issues of leadership or power? And how do we share power?

These are the questions that take a lifetime for each person to answer for themselves, while existing in relation to others. Community only works when everyone involved actually values it. Nothing is more frustrating when people that you are in community with deny the connection itself and disrespect people in the community in the process. Holding people accountable to the community is a hard task. After trying to reconcile issues and having some frank discussions, if there is still someone causing more woe than woohoo, I personally have no problems saying, "buh-bye". Communities only have responsibility to those that understand their responsibility toward the community in turn.

Together, people can do amazing things.

These big questions about to exist in community, even in times of strife, are ones that can only be answered by the groups themselves- there are no universal answers that will work for every group. And what that means is there needs to be lots of talking ABOUT process before actually trying to use the process itself. While I am one of those anarchist-leaning people that wishes to have an egalitarian decision making structure- that model only works when all are informed and involved in the process. It's a lot more work than assigning someone to lead and just simply doing what they say. If you don't work for it, you don't deserve it.

No one that I have ever met has only one community. The world is not that simple anymore for most people. Some of the communities that I belong to, for example, are: my family, my school, my religious tradition, and the radical faeries. Each community functions differently and I am called to do different things and be in relation with others differently in each one. In my family, I am one of the heads of the household. I am a mama and a partner in the every day, and a daughter and a sibling when communicating with my family of origin. In the radical faeries, I am one of many- we are all co-creating community together in each moment. There is value placed on presence, showing up, reconciliation, speaking your feelings, and being heard. In my religious community, I am a student with an intimate relationship to my teacher and a handful of others. It should not surprise anyone who has spent time in a religious community that I do not like everyone in the community nor do I wish to spend a lot of time with some of them. Such is the nature of community. We have to be grown ups and be civil to those that are disagreeable.

So what does community mean to me, and what do I offer? These are questions that everyone needs to ask themselves before entering a new community. For example, I am considering becoming a member of my local Oakland UU church- a commitment that the church takes quite seriously- you need to attend three meetings after church that last a couple hours each before considering it. They talk about the church and volunteer opportunities, UU history and where the church fits into that history, and plugging you into what they have built.

Last month, I went to a great training in Restorative Circles (related to but not identical to the idea of Restorative Justice), a process that helps any size and type group communicate well with the aim at reconciliation. It is a powerful model that has assisted in families, religious congregations, workplaces, neighborhoods, and more. It is adaptable and flexible- yet strong enough to get the job done. I look forward to honing my skills as a facilitator in this model, so that I can be of service to the communities I belong to.