Handling Conflict with Our Children Compassionately

I am so fortunate to have a resource where I live like the East Bay Meditation Center. They are a completely volunteer run, donation sponsored, Buddhist Sangha that has group sitting time and dharma talks. I have attended the Alphabet Sangha on Wednesday evenings and it is such a beloved space to me. They also have special sitting times for people of color and differing physical abilities, as they are trying to meet the needs of my community. In addition to the usual fare, they also host great workshops, offered on myriad subjects. All workshops are free, although in the spirit of Dana, you are asked to give to the center and/or the teacher if you can.


The East Bay Meditation Center from East Bay Meditation Center on Vimeo.

Last week, I went to a great talk on "Handling Conflict With Our Children Compassionately". It was taught by Shahara Godfrey, a member of the sangha and someone who has worked with all ages of children professionally- from infancy to teen years. Given that Rowan is entering full-blown toddlerhood, I figured staying one step ahead of the game and entering this phase with my eyes open was probably a wise thing!

It was a great workshop for me, as more than anything else- I learned what I was in for! The teacher and I were both surprised that only two parents showed up with kids under 2 (me included-our small group has plenty of time for both of us to talk!). The rest had kids from 3-5, 6-8, 9-12, and teens. From the stories they told and the support they were seeking (and these are gentle parents who came to a Buddhist center for a parenting class), I could tell parenting is going to be the ride of my life, as well as an exercise in patience.

I have to say, having three sessions of meditation (a sit, a walking meditation and then Metta) in one day was positively luxurious for this Witch. Since Rowan was born, I am lucky if I get to sit for 30 minutes a couple times a week. I find that it makes a world of difference in how I interact with him, my partner, and the world- so I am hoping to cultivate a life where daily sitting is possible.

This was a workshop on mindful parenting firmly rooted in the 5 precepts of the Buddha (Here's the Thich Nhat Hanh version, for those so inclined). Our teacher identified more with the 5 precepts as reinterpreted by the Manzanita Village in southern California:

Sculpture using actual human bones.

1. Aware of the violence in the world and of the power of non-violent resistance
I stand in the presence of the ancestors, the earth, and future generations
and vow to cultivate the compassion that seeks to protect each living being.

2. Aware of the poverty and greed in the world and of the intrinsic abundance of the earth,
I stand in the presence of the ancestors, the earth, and future generations
and vow to cultivate the simplicity, gratitude, and generosity that have no limits.

3. Aware of the abuse and lovelessness in the world and of the healing that is made possible when we open to love
I stand in the presence of the ancestors, the earth, and future generations
and vow to cultivate respect for the beauty and erotic power of our bodies.

4. Aware of the falsehood and deception in the world and of the power of living and speaking the truth
I stand in the presence of the ancestors, the earth, and future generations
and vow to cultivate the ability to listen; and clarity and integrity in all I communicate—by my words and actions.

5. Aware of the contamination and desecration of the world and of my responsibility for life as it manifests through me
I stand in the presence of the ancestors, the earth, and future generations
and vow to cultivate discernment and care in what I take into my body and mind.

I was blown away by each parent and what they had to say- they were hoping to use their practice and beliefs to cultivate engaged empathy when having conflict with their kids. To use it to be able to pause, reflect and engage their kids where they are at, rather than flying off the handle (which we all do sometimes).

Can you imagine if we all, as human beings, used these precepts to guide us through life and our interactions with each other? That is, of course, the work of a lifetime. It's much easier to start smaller- and what better place to start than at home, with our children?

What guidelines, quotes, or advice guide you as a parent?

Yantras!

Yantra of Green Tara.

So I had tea two weeks ago with my long-time friend Ekabhumi and caught up with him since he got back from India. He was there on a spiritual and artistic retreat (he is beginning to study Newari art, among other things). He is a student of tantra, a yoga teacher, and a fine artist and was able to combine these myriad loves into an awesome way of right livelihood: he is making sacred art for practitioners in his and related traditions.

These pieces of art, called yantras, are doorways. They are symbols of deities or planets or beings. They evoke their energy pattern- which most tantric practitioners will tell you is a more accurate representation than personified paintings or sculptures.

Each color, shape, quantity of shapes, and positioning of shapes means something specific, and the practitioner meditates on the image to learn more about or open themselves to that being or celestial body. There are yantras for planets and gods.

A blank gessoed yantra form.

Eka started making the yantras out of love and giving them to teachers and friends. People saw them, loved them, and now he is making them for a living! Now, he is swamped with good fortune (he started chanting to Lakshmi and wearing gold earrings last year- I bet that has something to do with it!), has more demand than time, and asked if I could help him. Heck yeah!

I used to make visual art myself, and Eka and I have been friends long enough that he knows this. So I showed up and was treated to some moving meditation, mindfulness, mantras, and craftyness- all in one task! First, he had me sand and gesso 12 or so blank forms. This is to prepare them for the design and custom painting.

While it sounds easy- just throw some white paint at them (!)-  it isn't. Making the yantras is an act of devotion. It is sacred art. And every step in their creation reflects this. When preparing the forms, you must be "clean" energetically and keep your mind still. As I sanded and gessoed several layers onto each form, I stayed present and did not allow my mind to wander to the umpteen million things I have to do, or thinking of my son, or writing my next blog post in my head. It was lovely to have this time to myself, actually. I have been looking for a new way to have a mindfulness practice- and I think that I have found it!

Our combined handiwork!
A work in progress.

In between layers of gesso drying, Eka had me start work on a Moon yantra. (It was Monday, after all- what could be more appropriate?) He has the traditional colors of each yantra tacked up on the wall, along with corresponding mantras for each yantra being made. As I painted gold outlines, I chanted, "Om Shrim Som Somaya Namah" over and over, which is a sanskrit mantra to the Moon.

The effect was interesting. I do not know Sanskrit, but I felt an energetic "latch" when chanting this phrase. Before starting the chant, I thought of the moon and its phases, I pictured the moon, and I tried to feel what it is like standing outside under a full moon. That was fine. but when I chanted the mantra, something "clicked". I cannot fully explain it, as the tradition is not mine. But my hand steadied, and I felt like I was being lightly ridden and guided. Neat!

On my second round of work yesterday, I sanded and gessoed again (ah, the blessed luxury of empty mind), and then worked again on the moon yantra. This time, I added texture with a hammer and small tool that made small round impressions when I hammered it into the wood. I created a pattern, somewhat like a Chinese checker board inside the points of the 6 pointed star. Once he paints over it with metallics, it will look stunning and rich with texture.

Have you ever made sacred art?

Things Look Different Now

Rowan enjoying the disco ball (he loves sparkles)
at one of our frequent cafés. He loves to
point out lots of items and ask their names.

Many of you may remember I blogged once before about how Rowan opened my eyes in the supermarket and made me more present. He started flapping excitedly and pointing all over the supermarket at things that I was oblivious to (as I was in pre-holiday shop tunnel-vision). His enthusiasm for mylar balloons opened me up to see see the shiny happy reality of where I was that day, instead of narrowly focusing on my list and the next item to cross off.

Since becoming a mom, I have changed. How I see and experience the world has changed. I know this is a cliché thing to say, but that does not make it any less true. I have always been a "do-er" and I like focusing on the next task, getting stuff done. Rowan has made me more present and mindful. My son has opened me up to experience the world anew- again with wonder and joy. And for that I am indebted and grateful to him.

Common everyday experiences  have new meanings now. I live in a larger city where the neighbors are always trying to get cars to slow down on residential streets. So they lobby to install speed bumps on many of them. I always found them a nuisance. I don't drive super fast, but unless you slow down to 10 MPH or so, the contents of your trunk go flying. Now I intentionally drive down streets like this- why?

My son's giggle and his adorable enthusiasm for the word "BUMP!" Is there anything more heartwarming and hilarious than seeing two parents saying, "Okay, here it comes Rowan- BUMP!" (and then their toddler giggling and saying, "Heh Heh! BUMP!"). He has made us appreciate small things and love them.

How has being a parent changed you for the better?