Gentle Discipline

"..If punishment offers a lesson in morals, it teaches a morality of racial, social, economic, and gender hierarchies."- Angela Harris

I have said it before and I will say it again, I am not teaching my son to be a moral person. Rather, I am teaching him to be an ethical one. Semantics, you say? I am not engaging in word play here- I believe the two words have distinct meanings, although (unfortunately) many use them interchangeably.

Morals come from an outside source. They are supplied to us- think legal codes, the Ten Commandments, that sort of thing. Someone else has decided what is right and wrong for us, and we are to follow the "moral code" proscribed by our culture, society, or religion.

Ethics, on the other hand, come from an internal process. An ethical person has a much harder row to hoe, because they must look at all the variables of a situation- everyone's story and feelings, the law, religious ideas, who could be hurt in any given situation, etc. Then the ethical person must make the best choice in any given situation, regardless of what the law or any particular religion says about right or wrong.

Let me elaborate: Back when I was a budding educator, I studied child development and learned about Piaget's scale of "moral development". He outlined several stages that children go through (hopefully) to develop as fully thinking human being. The first stage is "premoral" and states that kids up to about five years don't understand that there are rules at all. (And Rowan and I are so right there right now. Toddlers and rules- hah!)

An example of Evangelical Christian
moralism, aimed at kids.

According to Piaget, ages five to nine get into another stage called "moral realism", in which kids see the rules as external and immutable. (This is also the stage that a lot of things, like gender differences, become exaggerated and insisted upon. We hope to lessen the black and white stage by exposing him to so much diversity of thought and presentation at this age.)

The last stage is "moral relativity". It can start around age seven, so it can overlap with that second stage for some. "Children who have reached this stage recognise that rules are not fixed, but can be changed by mutual consent, and they start to develop their own internal morality which is no longer the same as external rules. A major development is that actions are now evaluated more in terms of their intentions, which most people would see as a more sophisticated view of morality. Piaget also thought it was during this stage that children develop a firm concept of the necessity that punishment specifically fits the crime."

Now, I don't think Piaget is the be-all and end-all by any means, but I do think that he had a great idea here. However, I see so many people that never make it into that last "shades of gray" discernment stage. They get stuck in the avoidance of punishment/seeking of rewards mode of thinking that comes with "moral realism" for their whole lives. In my opinion they never become ethical adults, merely moral ones. I do not wish this for Rowan.

So one of the ways that I am making this happen from a parenting standpoint is what attachment parents call "gentle (or positive) discipline". I instill discipline in Rowan, not inflict it upon him. (The root of discipline is the same root for "disciple"- I believe that we misuse this world by making it a synonym for punishment in our culture.) Gentle discipline means no violence, for one thing. No spanking, no threats. I wish to teach him that violence is not the correct way to get a desired outcome- so why would I use it to get what I want from him as a parent?

Do you use gentle discipline in your home? Why or why not? What are your reasons?

"Back to School"

It's that time of year again, when many young people (and old grad students like me) start classes once more. September and the beginning of fall will always be imprinted in my mind as "Back to School Time" time. I was a public school kid, in a decent school system in an affluent suburb of Chicago (that my parents barely afforded and sacrificed to move into). I remember waiting for the school bus to pick up across the street from my house, and having my wet hair freeze in the crisp winter air. I remember picking out which of my new clothes were going to be that special "first day of school" outfit. My birthday fell during the school year, so I always got birthday wishes at school as well as a birthday party, unlike those sad summer-born kids. I had a gaggle of friends and we clung to one another as we navigated through the world of public education. I have fond memories of some things about going to school.


And part of me is wistful that Rowan might not have those kind of memories. I plan on homeschooling/ unschooling him unless he states a preference otherwise. I am hoping to be able to find a group of like-minded parents with which to do a group school, actually- so he will have peers. He will be missing something, a common experience that many of his peers will experience- and I know that in order to deprive him of that, I need to provide something much better. And I think that I can do that.

It's the other memories of going to school that helped me make up my mind about whether or not to send my son off to school. Bullies, teachers that crush your dreams, teachers that are overworked and cannot function, cliques and social hierarchies that do not matter but mean the world to a child or teen, and feeling like the tiny little world they inhabit was indeed the entire world and it was always going to be like "this way". I hated the desperation that I felt at the hands of wealthy popular kids and their priorities. I hated the reverence demanded for authority without them having to earn it, or asking me whether I bought into the hierarchy in the first place. I hated being treated like property, or a criminal, or stupid simply because of my age.

He can get social peers in music, art, or dance class...

I want my son to be educated in the world. I want him to experience a diversity of people, opinions, and experiences. I want him to learn to question everything, analyze and think critically. I want him to be able to follow his passions and learn what he desires to learn, not just an agenda set by other people- including the arts, the religions of the world, accurate history that is not just about conquest and militarism, and the humanities in all its glory. I want him to be respected as an individual with rights.

And frankly, I can only think of one type of school that may be able to fulfill this tall order (and sadly, there aren't any in Ohio). But even at this awesome school, I still would be working to expose him to lots of things as his parent if he attended this school anyway. So why not try and start on my own? I have taught school myself in the Oakland public schools, mentored and tutored youth, volunteered with kids of many ages at UU churches and Girl Scouts. I know how to create curricula that is child driven, age appropriate, and most of all, fun. So I am working hard to build a life where I can be the main educator in my son's life.


Does it scare me? A little. I know it is an awesome responsibility to take on the education of another human being. I need to have my house in order. And while I normally don't care what others think of me, I know that Rowan will go through the phase where he will. More and more parents are homeschooling these days, so the stereotype of the religiously fanatical homeschooling family (or the socially stunted homeschooled kid) is becoming more of a relic. But he may run into judgmental  people who think how they do things is better and will try and make him feel less than for being homeschooled. I will have to prepare him for that.

While he isn't even old enough to enter preschool yet, I am working with him- teaching him a little every day. He has learned basic vocabulary for his day, animals, colors, foods, counting up to three, ASL, and how to take a deep breath (we are working on calming skills right now). He is a little sponge and wants to know everything! I am beginning to accumulate curricula and lessons in all kind of areas on Pinterest: general homeschooling info and printables, religious curriculum, art, music, science, maths, literacy, and reading, social studies, health and life skills.

I am looking forward to exploring the world with my special little Boop.

The Family Bed

We are the only mammals that seem to have an expectation that our babies should sleep right next to us, which is strange to me. It's the safest place for them, unless you are asking, oh I don't know, a crib manufacturer?!

To those critics, I say this:


How to silence silly people? You kill 'em with cute.

Watching my Son Grow: Language

Pointing at what he wants. "Use your words, Booper!"

Rowan is busy learning one of the most powerful ways a human being can create magick in the world: words and speech. He is learning the power of naming and names and how they affect how we see and interact with the world.

To quote an elder from my Witchcraft tradition: "Words are magic. Words are something we humans use to create our world, carving packets of energy out of the universal froth, investing them with meanings and significance, and linking them up in webs and patterns of association and reflection. The magical power in words lies not only in their ability to focus our energy compactly, but also in their inherent fluidity. By changing our words around, we can change our inner perception of the world and thus how we experience it. Perceiver and perceived create each other; change the nature of the perceptions, and the ripple effect flows outward into the world and creates change there, too. Like I said; magic."*

Elephants!

For good or ill, words are how we humans communicate with one another, and we can use them or abuse them. This is why I am being so careful and correcting myself and others so often lately- I want Rowan to use powerful, affirming, accurate language. Unlearning all the ways that we use language for ill for the benefit of another (and society at large) is a tall order, but one I take on gladly. While many people bemoan "political correctness" (sic) and "censorship" when I bring up topics like these, I do not think that is what is at play here. The fact is that I want to use language accurately- so "retarded" is not a slur to make someone feel bad and neither is "gay". I have enough words in my arsenal to skewer anyone, I do not need to get lazy by using these words (that do not convey what I want them to, anyway)!

Meanwhile, Rowan astounds me with new vocabulary daily. While most are nouns, he has surprised me with some adjectives, too. And he says the phrase, "Here you go" when he hands me something. This is something he picked up from me as I would hand him things he requested. I was unaware that I said that! Obviously, my life will be on autopilot no longer- I now live with a very accurate living mirror. What better practice for a discerning Witch than to have a toddler in the home!

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* - Steven Hewell

#7 Blog of Faith!

Thanks to everyone who voted for this blog in the Circle of Moms Faith Blogger Contest- I ended up in the top 25, at number 7!

I am unsure how I was entered in the contest, but I do know that the contest became politicized and many pagan folk were voting a "pagan slate" in the contest in response to some unfortunate comments on the parts of an evangelical blogger formerly in the contest. I am happy to report that of the Top 25, 12 were pagans of one stripe or another, including the #1 spot being held by the illustrious Mrs. B at Confessions of a Pagan Soccer Mom. I am saddened that there were so few Jewish and Muslim blogs making the Top 25. I made it a point to vote for all the minority religions in the contest. I feel we have a lot in common, living in a culture many consider Christian.

I encourage you to check out the other winners in the contest- I have! Check out my link and blogroll page while you are at it. And if I missed something worthwhile, please let me know!