As a Mother, I Parent the Whole World Now...

Something has happened to me since becoming a parent. I am unable and unwilling to stand idly by as children suffer, but I also cannot bear to watch. I call it the Mama Bear Syndrome.

It's as if all children were in some way my own now. And in a theological sense, that is, of course, true. We are all connected and suffering is suffering. It is as if God Herself opened a part of my soul to expose me to a fraction of her love for all her creation. I feel open, raw, and over-extended a lot of the time now- especially when I read the news.

I cannot read or learn about a bad circumstance involving children without getting nauseous or angry (or both). I have a hard time reading and watching videos about circumcision, for example. When the baby screams and passes out from pain and shock, my heart leaps out of my chest and I want to hunt down the person that did this horrible thing and bite their head off, literally. Beware the Mama Bear- she loves and protects her cubs, with violence if necessary.

This Syndrome makes me avoid watching and reading about such things. I know that I should stay informed on this (and other) issues in order to do the most good, but when the time comes to watch or read that first-hand account, my body rebels.

I have never had a hard time getting involved for social change. I have been a part of queer anti-violence patrols that stopped hate crimes and domestic violence on the street, for example. In the moment, I am clear-headed. I am discerning and strategic. I do what needs to be done for maximum benefit. I deescalate when possible, disarm when necessary. I have taken away guns and knives, faced down gangs of skinheads and frat boys. Little 5 foot 2 inch me and my queer friends. And afterward? I usually throw up.


It's hard being a new mama, and not in the way that I think many people mean (the lack of sleep, the lack of self-care, the crazy routines, the inability to get as many things done as you used to). It's hard because you realize, now more than ever in a tangible sense, that the world is in your hands. That you are responsible with your action, inaction, words and deeds. And I struggle to make every one of those words and deeds count. For the maximum benefit of all.

I got an unsolicited email from a Feri Initiate friend yesterday. It was something I needed to hear right now (gotta love psychics!):

I don't know if you want any direct advice but I do have some, lol. The first year after a child is born, especially the first year for a woman doing spiritual work, you will be very sensitive on many levels. Some of this is very primal wanting to protect your child and wanting a better world for that child. When Victor (Anderson, former Grandmaster of the Feri Tradition and now among the Mighty Dead- ed.) spoke to me of respecting both the strength and fragility of human nature in body, mind and spirit; he spoke of the need for new mothers not to take on the world even though they might want to. This is not wimping out. :) but a time of self love and focus. Hugs BB -C

I laughed when I got that email. It was so timely.

The Nature of Love

So I prepared myself as best as possible for this thing we call parenthood. I took classes read lots, talked to other parents, and did internal check-ins about what was happening to my body, my life, and my mind as I progressed in pregnancy.

But to be honest, nothing prepared me for the emotional wallop of having a child. I know it sounds sappy, but I never thought I could love someone so much. Yes, I have been in love, have had long-term relationships, etc. But this is different.

The experience of loving an adult is like building a house. It is a deliberate act to create something nurturing and sheltering with someone. If you do it right (and often we novice house builders need more than one pass-through to create a house that will stand!), you start by building a great foundation, and add bells and whistles from there. I have built fancy turrets without a proper foundation, only to have it crash down around me. I have also built huge deep foundations and failed to build a living space that was fanciful enough to capture my imagination for the long haul.

Loving my son, though- that is more like being a force of nature. (Because I am!) Sometimes I feel as though I could rip through someone, utterly destroying them, if they went to harm my son in any way. BEWARE the mama bear.

And the intensity of this love scares, exhilarates, and surprises me. I know I can never be the same again, because of this love. I know that I will never be completely worry free ever again, either. But it is a fair trade-off, I think.