The Idiot Box

As Witches who are more focused on inward processes than outward (see previous post) and working for change in the worlds (magic) rather than maintaining the status quo- TV is a troublesome concept at times. Especially when raising a child.

TV and mainstream media actively shapes us into fearful sleepers. I firmly believe this. At best it is "entertainment" (which is to say, distraction- which can be OK if it is not constant) and worst, it keeps us from being effective Witches and human beings in relation to one another.

Media gets us to believe everyone is a potential threat at worst, competition at best. It teaches that the gender differences reflected in our culture are intrinsic and create a huge chasm of difference between "men" and "women" (and that there are correct ways to be male and female and that there are no other options than those two gender assignments). It promotes a violent culture and treats violence as a way to solve problems. It creates a shameful relationship to sex and sexuality. I am, in short, not a huge fan. 

That is not to say that I do not watch certain things*. I have regular shows that I appreciate (most of the time) and I allow my son to watch* commercial free shows and movies that I select. We can do this because we only have our TV monitor hooked up to a Roku box. This gives us greater control of media in our home and also is cheaper than most people pay for the boob tube. 

We were given a TV for Xmas (Free! We would never have bought one, frankly.) and bought the box (for $60, total- so no ongoing fees for TV other than internet, which we use anyway!). We see Netflix (commercial free, $8 per month), streaming movies (also commercial free, and the most we have paid is $4 for a movie, but often they are free with our subscriptions), HBO Go (access given to us for free by a lovely friend!) Amazon Prime (for which we paid $50 a year -and- get free two day shipping in addition to a library of streaming for free) and Hulu Plus (not commercial free- so only the adults watch Hulu). 

The best part of this arrangement is that my kid is not indoctrinated with weird pop culture crap and commercialism because we actively choose what he watches. We choose programming that fosters empathy, compassion, and learning. Why anyone would pay a hundred plus dollars a month for TV is beyond me. We paid an annual fee for Amazon prime and currently pay $15 per month for our monthly subscriptions, which is all the media we can handle (often we have too much in our watch lists to "consume" anyway).

We make sure to leave the house every day (even if it is just playing in the yard)- we go to the library, the park, the zoo, the science museum, over to other kids' houses. We play inside too- play dough, coloring, games, using our imaginations. We take care of gardens and houseplants and animals. We cook together. We teach our son about numbers and letters and the passage of time (calendar and clock games).

In short, we LIVE!

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*What do I watch? Game of Thrones (adults only! too violent!), The Newsroom, Real Time with Bill Maher, Daily Show, The Colbert Report, Community, Modern Family, Bones, Misfits, Downton Abbey. All of these are interesting- all have problems. Modern Family has no class analysis (how does a real estate agent and a stay-at-home mom afford such a gorgeous home and three kids, two in college, in L.A.?) Real Time is informative but Bill Maher's Dawkins-eque stylings on religion get tiresome sometimes. Game of Thrones (I am also reading book five) is a world that is riddled with racist, misogynistic, violent problems but it is a fascinating tale.

What does my son watch? Shows that foster cooperation (Wonder Pets, Go Diego Go, and Dora the Explorer). Shows that educate him on numbers, counting, reading and phonics (Sesame Street, Super Why, Leapfrog movies). I also let him watch movies that foster spirituality and an animist outlook (My Neighbor Totoro, Kiki's Delivery Service) or cultivates empathy and compassion (Up, How to Train Your Dragon, Wreck It Ralph). And you can bet that we talk about what is happening during and after the show. We want to make sure he is getting the right messages.

Links about the Gender Agenda

You too can socialize your girl into a
life of servitude! This toy is real "classy".

I like to keep up on what is happening out there in the world of gender perception and news. Here are some of the recent stories I think are worth looking at:

In Sweden, toys are no longer being marketed to kids by gender. Is this some progressive hippie all wood toy manufacturer? Nope- it's the Swedish equivalent to Toys R Us! It is a huge movement in Sweden: "Since 2008, the government has spent 110 million Swedish crowns ($16.3 million) on promoting gender equality in schools, including the introduction of laws requiring teachers to actively work to reverse gender stereotypes.

The country also proposed a new single gender-neutral pronoun – 'hen' – to replace 'he' and 'she' in order to minimize gender stereotyping."- from the article.

Rowan has trucks and dolls.

Contrast the Swedish approach with the American company E-bates, who market to parents of boys and girls, rather differently. Color me annoyed. I go out of my way to present all options to my son and allow him to choose. This less-than-subtle message to kids and parents alike on how to dress themselves is infuriating.

Not that this new study is telling me anything that I didn't know already, but for boneheads who insist that men are from Mars and women are from Venus (different planets, different species- really?), we now have a large comprehensive study that calls bullshit on the gender shenanigans once and for all. I am glad that the study exists, even if you are saying "duh" over and over as you read it.

The pink ghetto of the toy section.
I hate the blue ghetto, too.

And on a lighter note- did you know that male modeling is now being done by men and women? How very interesting. The interview is very refreshing.

Book Review: Mightier Than The Sword

Rowan and I go to the library weekly, if not more. The Columbus Public Library is an award winner for many reasons. We take home 15-20 picture and chapter books a week and have only repeated well-loved favorites upon request. This week we chanced upon "Mightier Than The Sword: World Folktales for Strong Boys" by Jane Yolen. I am so glad that we did.

Anyone who has't read Jane Yolen really should. I love her Sister Light, Sister Dark series as well as her dark retelling of Briar Rose. She is also prolific in the kids' books department, although not all her offerings are this high caliber. She has two collections for non-kyriarchical, no stereotype child-rearing that I highly recommend- this book (which shows you do not have to use violence and force to solve problems and have a good life) and "Not One Damsel in Distress" (a book that shows enterprising young ladies how to get out of scrapes themselves). I plan on purchasing BOTH for my son. I believe that to counter all the propaganda out there about boys and girls, men and women in film, TV and culture in general- he will need both.

This afternoon, I read "Knee-High Man" to Rowan before his nap. It is an African-American folktale about a short person who wishes to become bigger. In the story, he asks for advice several times before he is questioned about WHY. In the end, he is happy "getting bigger in the mind". I also love "Language of the Birds" which has the byline "Not all enchantments are wicked". Indeed!

The collection Yolen assembled also includes Finnish, Afghani, English, Israeli, Russian, Burman, and Hungarian folktales (among others). It is a well-rounded collection across many cultures and times.

In the forward essay (entitled "An Open Letter to My Sons and Grandson" Yolen explains, "This book is for you. It is for you because this book did not exist when I was growing up." Yolen has given the world a gift in these two companion volumes.

I highly recommend this book to a parent of boys and girls.

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Formal Rating:

Title: Mightier Than The Sword
Author: Jane Yolen and Raul Colon (Illustrator)
Publisher: Harcourt Inc.
Price: $19.00 USD (Hardcover)
ISBN: 978-0-15-2163914

Topics Covered: Gender, Sex, Identity, Challenging Violence and Force

Target Audience: children ages 2-10

Witch Mom Rating: Three Hats

This book is has a selection of great storiesthat counter the conditioning that boys need to become heroes through fighting, battles and use of violence and force. It is a powerful important message more children need to hear.

Even More the Gender Agenda

Gender is several things, although most people confuse them.

I am raising Rowan without an assumed gender. It is perplexing to his grandparents, who try and "boy him up" every chance they get, but we believe it is necessary to make him a full human being, rather than a caricature of what most in our culture think what boys or girls are.

When he is old enough he can choose. He can even choose daily. Lately, he fluctuates between saying he's a boy, a girl, and a raccoon. A chocolate raccoon!

Some days, he's "Rowan", sometimes, he's "Princess Doe", and most days, he prefers "Boop-a-Noodle". He likes pink and purple, and frankly ALL colors, especially ones that sparkle. Like this father, we support his choices and defend them to people who think they know better than him what his "gender" is.

Booper gets it, most kids do. It's only after a lifetime of oppressive socialization that we adults conform to others' expectations of our genders. Booper knows- people are people. We can all wear whatever we want, have our hair however we want, we can like do play any kind of game. Those who restrict our full humanity and exploration are simply not fun.

We had a funny conversation recently. It happened after he got into some paint he wasn't supposed to, and I told him it was for adults.
Rowan: "When I grow up and be a mommy, I gonna use paint."
Me (seizing this opportunity):  "Hmmm. You know, Rowan- most boys, like you, grow up to be men (who could possibly be a daddy) and most girls like (your friend) grow up to be women (who may choose to be a mommy). But some boys grow up and choose to be women (like mommy), and boys grow up and choose to be men (like daddy). When you grow up, what do you want to be?"
This is where Rowan showed me his true age and told me he wanted to be a chocolate raccoon. He is too young to choose, just like he is too young to be restricted. So why would I do that or let anyone else do that to him?

More on the Gender Agenda

Boy in a dress, or girl with a penis?
Only time will tell.

I have often talked about how we are raising Rowan as free as possible from a gender agenda. This means that we are not limiting his expression or interests based on his (perceived) gender. He wears "boy clothes" and "girl clothes" pretty equally. He has long hair and it is often in a ponytail or in ribboned barrettes. He has a kitchen set, a play vaccuum, and a purple dog named Violet as well as cars, footballs, and dinosaurs. He likes pink and things that sparkle, so he gets them.

Boy or girl? We don't know yet.

And as he gets older and understands more of the culture going on around him, we will be having all kinds of discussions that will help him to decipher and deconstruct sexist messages and help him become a feminist man. Because we plan on unschooling/homeschooling, we hope that he will avoid much of the bullying that accompanies fluid gender expression.

A wonderful film- have you seen it?

He (we will use male pronouns unless he corrects us, and we have gender identity discussions with him already to open up the conversation) is free to express his gender and sexuality in any way he chooses. We select books like this one and this one and songs to sing to him carefully- trying to ensure that they open doors to possibility, rather than restrict his expression and make him feel bad about himself or others for choices.

I just got an email that there is a new study happening for parents of gender non-conforming kids. If this applies to your child, please check it out. We are not participating, because Rowan hasn't expressed any preference, he likes everything. So we do not wish to skew the research.

If you are interested in reading more about kids who are gender non-conforming, check out Sarah Hoffman's recommended reading list. Here is a great page with links to resources for parents of gender non-conforming kids. For Jews, here is an awesome resource as well.

Gender Agenda

Piggy tails and a bright yellow shirt- complete with fairy and
butterflies. He's a pretty boy.

I've written a bit about gender and how we are raising Rowan before, but as he gets older and watches movies and meets other kids who are not necessarily raised the way he is, he is being exposed to the way that our overculture wants boys and girls (and men and women) to desire and behave.

Purple funfur vest, glittery leg warmers. Rowan calls it his
"spah-kul spah-kul". Oh yeah- and a basketball.

My son loves bright colors (including pink and purple), things that sparkle, and dolls. He also loves trucks, his firefighter and hard hat costumes, balls of all sorts, and legos. In short, he is a well-rounded small human being. I am not going to limit his toys, clothes, or friends to fit some societally-proscribed gender agenda.
There are many reasons why I don't approve of this ever-pervasive influence in Rowan's life: it polarizes gender into two distinct "opposite" camps when in reality, gender is not dualistic, nor are there "opposites". It creates expectations that are rigid and possibly harmful for both boys and girls (boys cannot cry or express emotions, girls need to become objectified to have value). It is not natural or normal, and I point to the constant media and corporate enculturation (who are constantly enforcing these expectations and ideas on us) as proof. If these things had a universal truth, they would not need lobbying efforts and constant reinforcement.

One of the unfortunate side-effects of this gender campaign is bullying. Kids pick up the rigid barriers that we adults have created and enforce it through verbal, physical, and emotional violence with each other. That link is one of the reasons why I hesitate to send Rowan to public school. I applaud the efforts of that courageous public school teacher. Hard work, that. I want my son's education to broaden his horizons, but often school does the exact opposite. I'd rather have him socialize with kids whose parents have an awareness of diversity of all sorts and will be cultivating relationships and connections that will help with socialization.

Recently, my sister sent me a link that delighted me- a child bucking the system! Gotta love it.



For those of you who think it might be easier to raise a boy than a girl in this culture (I used to believe that, too) I encourage you to watch this video.

What he mostly prefers to wear: nothing.

Raising a white (seemingly cissexual and heterosexual) male in this culture, one that wants him to dominate and minimize others is hard. Helping him retain his full humanity in the face of people calling him a "crybaby" for expressing his fears is maddening.

I look forward to possibly raising an amazing girl one day, but right now, raising a fully human boy is hard enough. My son will be free to express his gender, sexuality, and ideas in any way he chooses, and to have loving parents supporting his exploration and conscious choices all the way.

We, his parents, are encouraging all things that he expresses an interest in: right now that's music and dance, playing with balls, being outside, playing in water, coloring, tractors and trucks, and cooking. Wanna bet that little boys and little girls the world over his age share those interests?

Puck!

Puck, getting a kiss.

Puck is a doll that I had especially made for Rowan, even before he was old enough to have he imagination to play with dolls. Dolls are important in all children's play, allowing them to act out scenarios and ideas in their heads and resolve puzzles and problems that they may have on their own. It is quite difficult to get a male doll these days, which is ridiculous as it is sad. We are not allowing our sons to fully develop these important skills! We are stunting our sons and our culture by denying them dolls- all in the name of "manliness".

I wanted to get at least one male doll for Rowan, but most of the ones out there had two major issues for me: most were strange non-human things with no genitalia AND the ones that were "anatomically correct" were always circumcised! I wanted Rowan to have a doll that was like himself- a boy doll that had a penis that was intact. He has lots of other stuffed animals and even a vintage (ugly and genderless!) Cabbage Patch Doll rescued from our Birth Center when it moved locations. But I wanted at least one of his pals to be like him physically.

That blur is Puck dancing.

So, like most things in life, when something does not exist, you have to make it yourself or ask someone crafty to make it for you. I found someone, and put in an order. It took quite a while to get- it turns out that this skilled doll-maker had NEVER made a penis and testes on a doll before and didn't really know what a child's uncircumcised penis looked like! I find that sad as well. Nevertheless, I laughed as she told me that many penis prototypes were made before she mastered making genitalia out of cloth thread, stuffing, and a needle.

Puck needs to go potty, says Rowan.

When we got Puck, he was adorable, and his button eyes are the same brown-blue color that Rowan's were when he was a newborn. His hair is particularly impish, hence his easy-to-pronounce changeling-inspired name. And his genitalia was intact and... HUGE. Puck is, er, particularly gifted in that arena, shall we say- which is just like his namesake.

Robin Goodfellow, aka Puck.

And Rowan now calls for his friend and plays with him almost daily, I am glad to say. He feeds Puck, undresses him, and his best friend is Baby (the Cabbage Patch Doll). They are about the same size. Since dabbling in potty learning, Puck has been quite helpful in showing Rowan how to put his penis inside the pot while peeing. Puck is a winner.

If you have boys, do they have dolls? Are they anatomically correct? Does anyone know a source for such a doll (I had such a hard time! It would be great to help others who may want one...)

Warlocks, really?

This is a warlock- TV is make-believe.

I have been asked by several people recently about the warlock bruhaha. In case you were unaware, some men in the Witchcraft scene are going around trumpeting themselves as "warlocks" in the name of "reclaiming the word" and coming up with a masculinized version of Witch.

It's no surprise that the men that I have seen doing this mostly are (pardon my French) media whores.

After all, these are men who are trying to sell many many things (in their stores, with their lines of merchandise, their services, their classes and workshops), and what makes a bigger splash than having everyone talk about you? Masters of PR, that's what they are. They are looking to become a big fish in a little pond (and for those of you that do not know, the pagan community is a very small pond, let me tell you).

My problem with the word "warlock" is not that the term historically means "oath breaker" (it possibly doesn't) or even that is may mean "war lord". The fact is, it's a stupid word to reclaim because to most modern Witches, it DOES INDEED mean an unscrupulous person- an oath breaker, a cheat, a liar. Even if it never historically existed as a negative word, it means that now. It means the worst kind of person, actually. Oath breaking is the worst thing you can do as a Witch. So why strut around trying to reclaim a word like that?

It's not like the word Queer or Black. Those words were used by the dominant culture to oppress a minority of people with intrinsic qualities (their queerness or blackness). These words were reclaimed by people with that intrinsic quality because the word was used to make them feel shame. Nope warlock is not like those words at all. Far be it from me to tell people what to do- if folks want to use "warlock" to describe themselves, go for it. But that doesn't mean folks like me won't look at you and consider you stupid.

So this leads me to wonder- who are these warlocks talking to- most Witches are not convinced, so they must be talking to those on the outside. And if you look at it this way- their move makes sense. After all, warlock was used on the TV show Bewitched to mean a male Witch. It's friendly and familiar to non-Witches. So I believe that these folks are actually marketing their wares to those that are not part of our religion- but are merely Witchcraft tourists. (One of these warlocks is even in Salem- the biggest Witchy tourist trap of all!)

Uncle Arthur has it right-
this is a farce, for shits and giggles.

But here's my main objection to using this term. These folks are coming up with a male equivelent of Witch WHEN NONE IS NECESSARY. (Witch does not mean male or female.) This is just another stupid gender essentialist reaction on the part of cissexual men who have their panties in a bunch over not getting enough attention. It creates yet another divide of the sexes in a place where none existed before.

Despite what this writer says, (or this one) Warlock is NOT the male counterpart to the female Witch. It never was and still isn't. Witch HAS NO counterpart. Male and female mysteries have been a part of WITCHCRAFT for centuries, and no special word was ever needed to delineate or set apart men from women before. To do so, in a religion that celebrates the place of all genders is a travesty, a falsehood, and just plain bad theology.

I recognize that the beings we call gods and goddesses have no gender- not as we experience it, anyway. We experience these beings in these ways because of our own filters. As a Witch, I have access to all of the Divine. In my experience, being a Witch makes you fey- that is, beyond gender. You are both and neither, because you are in the process of realizing your own god self- and gods aren't "male" and "female".

Interesting Witch/Shaman from Peru.

He does not use either term: Witch or Shaman- but a term that is indigenous to Peru and means what Witch and Shaman mean in that place: Paco.



He has interesting things to say (that I agree with) on gender and the Craft. While he uses language that I would not use (English is not his first language) his message comes across.

Gender and Children

The Internet, TV and radio are all abuzz with the story of parents who are not disclosing the gender of their child to the world.



I am not surprised that mainsteam America and Canada are having the reaction that they are (Which range from "Eew!" to "Child Abuse!") But I was even saddened to see that on the Mothering Magazine boards people did not agree with the parents' actions. After all, these are attachment parents (like me!) all over the world, but many of them still hold on the fragile ideals of stereotypical, Western, hyper-emphasized masculinity and femininity.

I have written about this before. It bears repeating: I believe that raising my son with a gender-free agenda for as long as possible is key to him becoming fully human. The only difference between me and that couple in Canada is that I sometimes tell people that Rowan is a boy after they "girl" him, just to mess with their heads. Sometimes I let their mistake slide- after all, it is their gender baggage not mine. We do not have to carry their luggage, if you know what I mean.

I also wrote a bit about gender and raising my son for the Blog Carnival of Natural Parenting this year. I also reviewed a book about raising a transgender kid- a great book for EVERYONE, regardless of how you or your kids identify.

As parents, we have so much influence in our kid's lives. I think we owe it to them to educate ourselves and think before we try and mold them into something that may not suit them. My kid may be transsexual or cissexual (and I will not know for years) or he could be heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual (and again I will not know right away). He may also like "masculine" or "feminine" pursuits. If I started sending him the message regulating his behavior, gender conformity, and sexuality and he turns out to be something other than what I was socializing him to be- well, that alienates my son from me, hurts his well-being, and makes his life unhappy and harder. As his mom, I love him- no matter what. So we are keeping our options open.

A while back I posted this video of a lullaby that we sing to Rowan almost every night. It bears repeating at this time as well.

Carnival of Natural Parenting: Compassionate Advocacy

Welcome to the April Carnival of Natural Parenting: Compassionate Advocacy
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared how they advocate for healthy, gentle parenting choices compassionately. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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I was asked to write to this topic:
As parents who believe in many “natural parenting” practices, we sometimes find ourselves educating (and inspiring!) others about those practices. How do you advocate for healthy, gentle parenting choices compassionately? Remember: you don’t have to be “outspoken” to be an advocate, you can be a natural parenting role model/advocate simply by living.

I live in the San Francisco Bay Area, where "attachment parenting" ideas are understood, even if they are not always the norm in certain circles. So I find that most of the time, I am not acting as an advocate in an environment hostile to my parenting choices like many other mama bloggers I read (my heart goes out to you!). But there are some things that I am choosing to do that get me some derisive or puzzled comments, even here. And when I traveled to the Midwest to visit relatives, Rowan's grandparents (on both sides!) were puzzled by some of our attachment parenting actions.

Here, I profile the things that we do that seem to cause the most upset in others, in order of priority:

1. Gender Fluid Choices

Purple funfur vest and
sparkly legwarmers. Fabulous!

By far, this is the thing that trips up the most people, including "progressive" people here in my liberal neck of the woods. It positively squicks all relatives in the Midwest, but even lefty Unitarian Universalists at my church have made comments to me. Granted, the UU's were admitting out loud to others that Rowan wearing barrettes and pink clothes with flowers jars them a bit. They talked to me about how they were struggling with those feelings, because they understood that they were kind of messed up. Those kind of conversations show how truly ingrained this gender conditioning is, and how we are lobbied from an early age to conform to them.

Rowan wears all kinds of cute clothes, regardless of whom they were designed for. How does a garment, a color, or a design element "have" gender, anyway? Can anyone explain to me why flowers are girly, given that they have male and female parts? And that dinosaurs are for boys, even though dinosaurs were both male and female? It makes no sense to me- and I will not censor my son or myself to appease ignorant masses.

I am raising Rowan with a "gender-free agenda" for as long as possible, as I feel that our culture places too much emphasis on the difference between men and women/boys and girls and in fact creates most of those differences to begin with. (Did you know we are more than 99% the same on a genetic level?)

When I hold up things for Rowan to see if he likes them, guess what? He likes sparkles, pinks and purples, funfur, lively patterns, and texture. So he gets them. And he looks good.

Often, we just get the "wrong" pronoun. Sometimes, we hear it over and over from the same person, even when I use the "correct" one in response to their comments and questions. Sometimes I do not bother correcting folks, sometimes I do. In the Bay Area, most people apologize for their "mistake". In other parts of the country, my fitness as a parent is challenged. Even Rowan's grandparents did so, albeit gently. "You've got to raise him normal!" was a common refrain we heard.

2. Co-Sleeping
While the grandparents weren't hostile per se, they were puzzled and concerned and did not like the idea of co-sleeping one bit. Rowan is past the "Oh my gawd, you will kill that baby by sleeping next to him!" phase, so instead we get comments like, "You are going to regret that." and "I got you a playpen to let him sleep in" (even though we told them explicitly we didn't need anything for bedtime).

I do get some puzzled looks from other moms about co-sleeping as well. It is as if anything different from what parents have done/are doing challenges the validity of their own choices. I am content to allow each family to make the choices that are best for their child and them as a unit. But I am sure we have all met the folks that foist their choices onto everyone else with missionary zeal. Ugh.


3. Baby Led Weaning

Showing Rowan eating a rock at the
beach on a post about BLW tickles me.

Every single time I went to feed Rowan at my parents house, my mom would exclaim and gasp. She wondered what kept him from choking to death. "Can he eat that?" Yes, mom- he can have chunks of food, be they veggies, fruit, bread, crackers, pasta, cheese- whatever. I explained to her the difference between gagging and choking and how gagging teaches him not to choke. I think she would have been much happy whipping out a blender.

She seemed happy to be vindicated (somehow) when Rowan got lemon juice in his eye and cried at a restaurant (Rowan loves to suck on lemons and this is the very first time he ever had a mishap). "I told you that was a bad idea."

She would wonder what we should feed the baby (I think she wanted to get "baby food"), even though I kept repeating that he will eat what we were eating (and that necessitated healthy choices for us all). In the end, she cautiously allowed us to feed Rowan as we wished, but remained a peanut gallery.

4. Allowing Rowan to be a Sexual Person

About to hump the pillow
during nakkie time.

Babies and children are sexual beings- albeit in a different way than an adult. Rowan humps things he likes for pleasure and given the chance to be naked, immediately starts playing with his penis and foreskin. I let him, usually without comment (or if I comment, I say something like, "That's your penis.")

I know so many people who try and squash this impulse in kids, probably because they are trying to protect them from predatory adults. But shaming people about their bodies and the pleasure that they bring does nothing to protect kids- in fact, it does the opposite. If there is shame attached to certain body parts or children cannot talk to us about them for fear of reprisal, they are less safe.

I was shocked (I mean literally shocked!) when Rowan's grandmother saw him grab his penis while I was changing him and told him not to do that. I didn't get upset (after all, Rowan is too young to understand what she was saying or to feel shame), but I did say something like, "It's his penis, he can touch it if he wants."

Rowan already has A Kid's First Book About Sex. It waits for him on his bookshelf. (Can I just say that I was astonished when I linked to the book on Amazon and found out it now costs at least $500? I got my copy when I worked for Good Vibrations (the author is the founder) in the late nineties and the cover price was less than $10! It is the only book of its kind that I can tell- and likely out of print- which is probably why it is so valuable.)

5. Vaccinations
This one should probably be #1 or #2, but because it is a invisible issue it comes up less often. But when it does, opinions are so strong on all sides that it is hard to have a reasoned conversation about the issue.

We have yet to give Rowan any vaccinations. We have very legitimate concerns (which are less about autism than other things), but none of that seems to matter to the militant pro-vaccine camp. Which to pro-vaccine folks makes us negligent at best or amazingly stupid and dangerous at worst. My family doctor lobbies very hard to give Rowan shots and gives me literature at each visit, after I politely decline.

On the opposite side, the anti-vaccine folks are as militant, and it is hard for me to find a reasoned resource talking about the risks and reasons to possibly vaccinate, albeit selectively.

What parenting choices have you made that get you stares and comments?

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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• Natural Parenting Advocacy by Example — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction uses her blog, Twitter and Facebook as her natural parenting soapbox.
• You Catch More Flies With Honey — When it comes to natural parenting advice, Kate of The Guavalicious Life believes you catch more flies with honey.
• From the Heart — Patti at Jazzy Mama searches her heart for an appropriate response when she learns that someone she respects wants his baby to cry-it-out.
• I Offer the Truth — Amy at Innate Wholeness shares the hard truths to inspire parents in making changes and fully appreciating the parenting experience.
• Advocating or Just Opinionated? — Momma Jorje discusses how to draw the line between advocating compassionately and being just plain opinionated. It can be quite a fine line.
• Compassionate Advocacy — Mamapoekie of Authentic Parenting writes about how to discuss topics you are passionate about with people who don't share your views.
• Heiny Helpers: Sharing Cloth Love — Heiny Helpers is guest posting on Natural Parents Network to share how they are providing cloth diapers and cloth diapering support to low income families.
• Struggling with Advocacy — April of McApril still struggles to determine how strongly she should advocate for her causes, but still loves to show her love for her parenting choices to those who would like to listen.
• Compassionate Advocacy Through Blogging (AKA –Why I Blog) — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shares how both blogging and day-to-day life give her opportunities to compassionately advocate for natural parenting practices.
• A Letter to *Those* Parents — Zoie at TouchstoneZ shares how to write an informed yet respectful reply to those parents — you know, the ones who don't parent the way you do.
• Why I Am Not A Homebirth Advocate — Olivia at Write About Birth is coming out: she is a homebirth mom, but not a homebirth advocate. One size does not fit all – but choice is something we can all advocate for!
• Why I Open My Big Mouth — Wolfmother from Fabulous Mama Chronicles reflects on why she is passionate about sharing parenting resources.
• Watching and Wearing — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life advocates the joys of babywearing simply by living life in a small college town.
• Compassionate Advocacy . . . That's The Way I Do It — Amyables at Toddler in Tow describes how she's learned to forsake judgment and channel her social energy to spread the "good news" of natural parenting through interaction and shared experiences.
• Compelling without repelling — Lauren at Hobo Mama cringes when she thinks of the obnoxious way she used to berate people into seeing her point of view.
• I Am the Change — Amanda at Let's Take the Metro describes a recent awakening where she realized exactly how to advocate for natural parenting.
• Public Displays of Compassion — The Accidental Natural Mama recounts an emotional trip to the grocery store and the importance of staying calm and compassionate in the storm of toddler emotions.
• I will not hide behind my persona — Suzi Leigh at Attached at the Boob discusses the benefits of being honest and compassionate on the internet.
• Choosing My Words — Jenny at Chronicles of a Nursing Mom shares why she started her blog and why she continues to blog despite an increasingly hectic schedule.
• Honour the Child :: Compassionate Advocacy in the Classroom — Lori at Beneath the Rowan Tree shares her experience of being a gentle and compassionate parent — with other people's children — as a classroom volunteer in her daughter's senior kindergarten room.
• Inspired by the Great Divide (and Hoping to Inspire) — Rosemary at Rosmarinus Officinalis shares her thoughts on navigating the "great divide" through gently teaching and being teachable.
• Introverted Advocacy — CatholicMommy at Working to be Worthy shares how she advocates for gentle parenting, even though she is about as introverted as one can be.
• The Three R's of Effective and Gentle Advocacy — Ana at Pandamoly explains how "The Three R's" can yield consistent results and endless inspiration to those in need of some change.
• Passionate and Compassionate: How do We do It? — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy shares the importance of understanding your motivation for advocacy.
• Sharing the love — Isil at Smiling Like Sunshine talks about how she shares the love and spreads the word.
• What Frank Said — Nada at miniMOMist has a good friend named Frank. She uses his famous saying to demonstrate how much natural parenting has benefited her and her family.
• Baby Sling Carriers Make Great Compassionate Advocacy Tools — Chante at My Natural Motherhood Journey shared her babywearing knowledge — and her sling — with a new mom.
• Everyday Superheroes — Who needs Superman when we have a community of compassionate advocates?! Dionna at Code Name: Mama believes that our community of gentle bloggers are the true superheroes.
• Words of advice: compassionately advocating for my parenting choices — MrsH at Fleeting Moments waits to give advice until she's been asked, resulting in fewer advocacy moments but very high responsiveness from parents all over the spectrum of parenting approaches.
• Peaceful Parenting — Peaceful parenting shows at Living Peacefully with Children with an atypical comment from a stranger.
• Speaking for birth — Lucy at Dreaming Aloud soul-searches about how she can advocate for natural birth without causing offense.
• Gentle is as Gentle Does — Laura at A Pug in the Kitchen shares how she is gently advocating her parenting style.
• Walking on Air — Rachael at The Variegated Life wants you to know that she has no idea what she's doing — and it's a gift.
• Parenting with my head, my heart, and my gut — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares her thoughts on being a compassionate advocate of natural parenting as a blogger.
• At Peace With the World — Megan at Ichigo Means Strawberry talks about being an advocate for peaceful parenting at 10,000 feet.
• Putting a public face on "holistic" — Being public about her convictions is a must for Jessica at Crunchy-Chewy Mama, but it takes some delicacy.
• Just Be; Just Do. — Amy at Anktangle believes strongly about her parenting methods, and also that the way to get people to take notice is to simply live her life and parent the best she knows how.
• One Parent at a Time... — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment believes that advocating for Natural Parenting is best accomplished by walking the walk.
• Self-compassion — We're great at caring for and supporting others —from our kiddos to other mamas — but Lisa at Gems of Delight shares a post about treating ourselves with that same sense of compassion.
• Using Montessori Principles to Advocate Natural Parenting — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells how she uses Montessori principles to be a compassionate advocate for natural parenting.
• Advocacy? Me? — Seonaid at The Practical Dilettante discovers that by "just doing her thing," she may be advocating for natural parenting.
• Feeding by Example — Mama Mo at Attached at the Nip shares her experience of being the first one of her generation to parent.
• Compassionate Consumerism — Erica at ChildOrganics encourages her children to be compassionate consumers and discusses the benefits of buying local and fair trade products.
• The Importance of Advocating Compassionately — Kristen at Adventures in Mommyhood acts as a compassionate advocate by sharing information with many in the hopes of reaching a few.
• Some Thoughts on Gentle Discipline — Darcel at The Mahogany Way shares her thoughts and some tips on Gentle Discipline.
• Compassionate Advocacy: Sharing Resources, Spreading the Love — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle shares how her passion for making natural choices in pregnancy, birth, and parenting have supported others in Dominica and beyond.
• A journey to compassion and connection — Jessica at Instead of Institutions shares her journey from know-it-all to authentic advocacy.
• Advocacy Through Openness, Respect, and Understanding — Melissa at The New Mommy Files describes her view on belief, and how it has shaped the way she advocates for gentle parenting choices.
• Why I'm not an advocate for Natural Parenting — Mrs Green at Little Green Blog delivers the shocking news that, after 10 years of being a mum, she is NOT an advocate for natural parenting!
• Natural Love Creates Natural Happiness — A picture is worth a thousand words, but how about a smile, or a giggle, or a gaze? Jessica at Cloth Diapering Mama’s kids are extremely social and their natural happiness is very obvious.
• Carnival of Natural Parenting: Compassionate Advocacy — Even in the progressive SF Bay Area, Lily at Witch Mom finds she must defend some of her parenting choices.
• A Tale of Four Milky Mamas — In this post The ArtsyMama shares how she has found ways to repay her childhood friend for the gift of milk.
• don't tell me what to do — Pecky at benny and bex demonstrates compassionate advocacy through leading by example.

Book Review: Be Who You Are! by Jennifer Carr

Once in a while, a new kids book comes along that I just have to pick up. When I read about this book I knew I wanted to review it. Be Who You Are! is a book that clearly explains, in language accessible to its audience (kids), what it is like to be a transgender child and how family and school life can support or sabotage a child's sense of self (and especially self-worth) in this situation.

In this respect, the book is great for adults too. Many parents and teachers are unaware of how to react to a child expressing a desire to be a different gender to the one that they were born into. This book demonstrates how to be supportive and open to where the child may lead you.

The book was written by an activist with a child who has gone through this experience. She has worked with schools and organizations to accept and embrace gender non-conforming children and has even created a playgroup for kids that do not conform to gender norms. This is her first children's book in what I hope becomes a series of supportive titles.

This book should be in classrooms, libraries and on personal bookshelves. While books like "My Princess Boy"are great for kids that do not necessarily have a transgender issue (they may just want to be more expressive in the gender spectrum than we normally allow kids), this book is one of the few that I have seen actually talking about transitioning children and setting up a positive family and school dynamic.

While I have no idea what gender Rowan will identify as when he gets older, I think this book is necessary for him. Whether or not he identifies as transgender or not in his own life, he will share this world with people that do. I am excited to read this story to him, over and over.

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Formal Rating:

Title: Be Who You Are!
Author: Jennifer Carr
Publisher: Authorhouse
Price: $20.99 USD 
ISBN: 9978-1-4520-8725-2

Topics Covered: gender, parenting, transgender issues, difference, school, family, siblings

Target Audience: children, parents, teachers
 
Witch Mom Rating: Three Hats!

 Amazing resource that is among the first of its kind. Help foster understanding of transgender issues for families, especially kids. Spread the word of this book!

Raising a Human in a Gendered World

 The way the world that I live in sees and does gender really annoys me sometimes. Boys and girls, men and women all are affected adversely by the world that we have created, and now that I am a parent, I am working even more actively to create a little space that is a "gender agenda free zone" for my son.

Rowan is a very pretty boy (Look out! Those long eyelashes help him flirt mercilessly!) and has worn an amber necklace since birth. (Jewelry is evidentally a feminine thing in the US, although I doubt you could get all cultures to agree to that!) Further, his father and I do not believe that colors and patterns have gender- so he wears all colors (including- gasp! pink and purple) and has some floral and butterfly patterned clothes. His stroller is hot pink with orange flowers. To this I say, big freaking deal.

Half the time when someone calls him "a beautiful girl" or "a little princess" I don't bother correcting people. After all, what does it matter- this is their issue, not mine and not my son's.

But other times, I do gently slip it in that he is a boy. Depending on where I am I get varying interesting responses. If I am here, in the Bay Area, I get anything from a non-chalant "Oh." to a tripping-over-themselves "Sorry!". No one here dwells on it too much- we all pretend to be far too progressive on gender and sexuality issues here to obsess too much. If I am somewhere else where heterosexist, heteronormative gender norms are more rigidly enforced, sometimes people give me incredulous looks or even venemous ones. They chastize me for "effeminizing" my son. They equate what I am doing (raising a kid to be free, for as long as possible, of the ridiculous way our culture deals with gender) with child abuse.

I want Rowan to be fully human, not just pigeon-holed into what our culture thinks a man or a woman (or a boy or a girl) should be. To quote Julia Serano,

...we were duped into believing
that male and female are opposites
when we’re not
we are practically identical
99.9 percent the same on a genetic level
we’ve just been trained to exaggerate
that fraction of difference
into a chasm
into two mutually exclusive classes

and gender is not about biological sex
when you first saw me
you didn’t see my chromosomes
or reproductive abilities
instead you read my class as female
because gender is first and foremost
a class system
and it is held together by the myth
that it arises from
our organs
our instincts
but for every gender generalization you can make
i can find a thousand exceptions
and natural laws
are not suppose to have exceptions
if gender was natural
little boys
wouldn’t have to be told not to cry
little girls
wouldn’t have to be taught
that certain ways of sitting aren’t ladylike
if gender was natural
it wouldn’t need to be so highly regulated...

I, for one, am sick of the polarity/binary model of gender and refuse to indoctrinate my son into it. (Yes, I know that I cannot help him once he gets older- he will run into people that enforce gender agendas and he may even experience shame.) But I will hold out for as long as I can and hope that he is as strong as this awesome tween: