Raising a Boy in Rape Culture

Lately, the news has been filled with horrific tales of teenage boys raping teenage girls and lots of victim blaming. Some victims have even committed suicide after being bullied after the rape. It gives a mama pause. How to raise a compassionate, respectful boy who grows into a respectful, compassionate man? We have started early. Rowan is three, but he is learning about body integrity, respecting other people's boundaries, and how to interact respectfully with others.

There are a lot of triggery links on this post, but please- if you have children, especially male children read them and talk to your kids NOW about this. I agree with this mom- it is an emergency:

"I don’t know how we stop boys from raping girls and posting the photos online. This has been happening far too often lately, and I’m sure there are many cases we still don’t know about. Because sex education is rarely taught in schools, rape education is never taught. I know as a parent I talk to my eldest son about these things and I will talk to my daughter about these things when she is older, even though I know my son is a smart, gentle kid who would never do anything like this, I talk to him about it anyway because I HAVE to. We all have to. I don’t know what else to say about this but my heart is broken.Please talk to your kids. This is an emergency."

A post of mine on Facebook, linking to an article about young boys learning todisrespect at an early age with the "boys will be boys"defense:

As a parent of a boy, I am glad to say that we have started early avoiding the "boys will be boys" behavior. Our child knows "back up and give them space", "you need to ask how your friends want to play together" and many more personal boundary and cooperative behaviors.It starts with simple things that can be easily dismissed by gender essentialists like knocking over towers. It cascades from there. After a childhood of learning that boys trump girls and they have no responsibility for the feelings of others, what do we expect?

I believe that these lessons need to be repeated often. Here is commentary from afather of a 4 year old boy on the Steubenville rape case:

'Convicted Steubenville rapist Ma’lik Richmond’s lawyer is planning to appeal the guilty verdict because – he says – at 16 years old, his client’s brain isn’t fully developed, and as such, he might not understand that rape is wrong.My son, all of four years old, is chewing his last strawberry mouthful as I finish my definition of rape and sexual assault, and my explanation of why forcing himself onto a girl—even his “girlfriend”, even just a kiss—is wrong. He gets it. His brain is far from fully-developed, but he nods as my sentence trails off and my hands fall back down to the table. “Okay, daddy. I won’t do it anymore,” he says. He slides off of his chair and gallops back to his cartoons.I know my son didn’t rape his preschool ex-”girlfriend.” And in all liklihood, he didn’t sexually assault her either. But when she let him know that she didn’t like him kissing her, it opened up our first conversation on the topic. And though I’m not completely sure I’m speaking on his level, I know I’d rather speak to him now so he knows that this is a topic between us. The rougher road lies ahead, but I’ve paved the first block and that’s what matters.'

I replied on Facebook:

We are working with my 3 year old son on boundaries and space and bodily consent. He knows to "give people space" if they ask. He knows that touching someone when they don't want it or they ask you not to is wrong (we even gave daddy a "time out" for continuing to tickle him when our son asked him to stop), and he knows that he needs to ask how his friends want to play together, instead of exerting his will upon others.That defense is some bullshit.

The national dialogue that puts rape prevention on women and girls is not where we should be focusing our energy. Rape is not a women's problem- while women and girls are most often the victims, boys and men must be taught, from birth onward, to respect others bodies, minds, and ideas.

"Responsible parentscan speak to their daughters about how to minimize their chances ofbeing raped. But the greater conversation we need to have is how tostop men and boys from raping. We have had years, and years, andyears of rape prevention seminars for women, of safety tips andclasses, of helpful hints so you don’t end up beaten and left in analley somewhere after being sexually assaulted. We need the same sortof seminars, and pamphlets, and websites dedicated to teaching boyshow not to rape. We need male politicians, and celebrities andathletes to do PSAs about how not to rape. We need fathers to talk totheir sons about not raping. Women? We do this. We talk about rape,we are vocal about rape, we write about rape and protest rape anddonate money to anti-rape organizations and write letters to getstricter rape laws passed. But we need more men to be as vocal as we are. "

How are you teaching your son in this regard?

Puck!

Puck, getting a kiss.

Puck is a doll that I had especially made for Rowan, even before he was old enough to have he imagination to play with dolls. Dolls are important in all children's play, allowing them to act out scenarios and ideas in their heads and resolve puzzles and problems that they may have on their own. It is quite difficult to get a male doll these days, which is ridiculous as it is sad. We are not allowing our sons to fully develop these important skills! We are stunting our sons and our culture by denying them dolls- all in the name of "manliness".

I wanted to get at least one male doll for Rowan, but most of the ones out there had two major issues for me: most were strange non-human things with no genitalia AND the ones that were "anatomically correct" were always circumcised! I wanted Rowan to have a doll that was like himself- a boy doll that had a penis that was intact. He has lots of other stuffed animals and even a vintage (ugly and genderless!) Cabbage Patch Doll rescued from our Birth Center when it moved locations. But I wanted at least one of his pals to be like him physically.

That blur is Puck dancing.

So, like most things in life, when something does not exist, you have to make it yourself or ask someone crafty to make it for you. I found someone, and put in an order. It took quite a while to get- it turns out that this skilled doll-maker had NEVER made a penis and testes on a doll before and didn't really know what a child's uncircumcised penis looked like! I find that sad as well. Nevertheless, I laughed as she told me that many penis prototypes were made before she mastered making genitalia out of cloth thread, stuffing, and a needle.

Puck needs to go potty, says Rowan.

When we got Puck, he was adorable, and his button eyes are the same brown-blue color that Rowan's were when he was a newborn. His hair is particularly impish, hence his easy-to-pronounce changeling-inspired name. And his genitalia was intact and... HUGE. Puck is, er, particularly gifted in that arena, shall we say- which is just like his namesake.

Robin Goodfellow, aka Puck.

And Rowan now calls for his friend and plays with him almost daily, I am glad to say. He feeds Puck, undresses him, and his best friend is Baby (the Cabbage Patch Doll). They are about the same size. Since dabbling in potty learning, Puck has been quite helpful in showing Rowan how to put his penis inside the pot while peeing. Puck is a winner.

If you have boys, do they have dolls? Are they anatomically correct? Does anyone know a source for such a doll (I had such a hard time! It would be great to help others who may want one...)