Raising a Boy in Rape Culture

Lately, the news has been filled with horrific tales of teenage boys raping teenage girls and lots of victim blaming. Some victims have even committed suicide after being bullied after the rape. It gives a mama pause. How to raise a compassionate, respectful boy who grows into a respectful, compassionate man? We have started early. Rowan is three, but he is learning about body integrity, respecting other people's boundaries, and how to interact respectfully with others.

There are a lot of triggery links on this post, but please- if you have children, especially male children read them and talk to your kids NOW about this. I agree with this mom- it is an emergency:

"I don’t know how we stop boys from raping girls and posting the photos online. This has been happening far too often lately, and I’m sure there are many cases we still don’t know about. Because sex education is rarely taught in schools, rape education is never taught. I know as a parent I talk to my eldest son about these things and I will talk to my daughter about these things when she is older, even though I know my son is a smart, gentle kid who would never do anything like this, I talk to him about it anyway because I HAVE to. We all have to. I don’t know what else to say about this but my heart is broken.Please talk to your kids. This is an emergency."

A post of mine on Facebook, linking to an article about young boys learning todisrespect at an early age with the "boys will be boys"defense:

As a parent of a boy, I am glad to say that we have started early avoiding the "boys will be boys" behavior. Our child knows "back up and give them space", "you need to ask how your friends want to play together" and many more personal boundary and cooperative behaviors.It starts with simple things that can be easily dismissed by gender essentialists like knocking over towers. It cascades from there. After a childhood of learning that boys trump girls and they have no responsibility for the feelings of others, what do we expect?

I believe that these lessons need to be repeated often. Here is commentary from afather of a 4 year old boy on the Steubenville rape case:

'Convicted Steubenville rapist Ma’lik Richmond’s lawyer is planning to appeal the guilty verdict because – he says – at 16 years old, his client’s brain isn’t fully developed, and as such, he might not understand that rape is wrong.My son, all of four years old, is chewing his last strawberry mouthful as I finish my definition of rape and sexual assault, and my explanation of why forcing himself onto a girl—even his “girlfriend”, even just a kiss—is wrong. He gets it. His brain is far from fully-developed, but he nods as my sentence trails off and my hands fall back down to the table. “Okay, daddy. I won’t do it anymore,” he says. He slides off of his chair and gallops back to his cartoons.I know my son didn’t rape his preschool ex-”girlfriend.” And in all liklihood, he didn’t sexually assault her either. But when she let him know that she didn’t like him kissing her, it opened up our first conversation on the topic. And though I’m not completely sure I’m speaking on his level, I know I’d rather speak to him now so he knows that this is a topic between us. The rougher road lies ahead, but I’ve paved the first block and that’s what matters.'

I replied on Facebook:

We are working with my 3 year old son on boundaries and space and bodily consent. He knows to "give people space" if they ask. He knows that touching someone when they don't want it or they ask you not to is wrong (we even gave daddy a "time out" for continuing to tickle him when our son asked him to stop), and he knows that he needs to ask how his friends want to play together, instead of exerting his will upon others.That defense is some bullshit.

The national dialogue that puts rape prevention on women and girls is not where we should be focusing our energy. Rape is not a women's problem- while women and girls are most often the victims, boys and men must be taught, from birth onward, to respect others bodies, minds, and ideas.

"Responsible parentscan speak to their daughters about how to minimize their chances ofbeing raped. But the greater conversation we need to have is how tostop men and boys from raping. We have had years, and years, andyears of rape prevention seminars for women, of safety tips andclasses, of helpful hints so you don’t end up beaten and left in analley somewhere after being sexually assaulted. We need the same sortof seminars, and pamphlets, and websites dedicated to teaching boyshow not to rape. We need male politicians, and celebrities andathletes to do PSAs about how not to rape. We need fathers to talk totheir sons about not raping. Women? We do this. We talk about rape,we are vocal about rape, we write about rape and protest rape anddonate money to anti-rape organizations and write letters to getstricter rape laws passed. But we need more men to be as vocal as we are. "

How are you teaching your son in this regard?

Happy Wolf Moon (or, a Love Letter to My Son)

Dear Rowan,

I wrote this the day of the Wolf Moon of 2013. That moon hung low, yellow, and pendulous in the sky this morning, pre-dawn as you and I drove your father to work. We sang, "Look up, it's the moon!" to you in the back seat. Did you know that we sing every day now because of you?

Yesterday, we celebrated your birthday and your grandparents from both sides trekked to see you and spoil you rotten. You had kids over to play "Bozo buckets", pin the tail on the donkey, and to bust a piñata. You got gifts and affection and attention galore. I made a pink dragon cake for you and added to my birthday playlist on my iPod. I brought out the felt banner that I made for your first birthday, and the green pillar candle we have had since your birth altar that we now burn on your birthdays. I had everyone sign your special book that we have had since your baby shower.

It was three years ago on the Wolf Moon that I labored with you. That day was an adventure and uncharted territory for me, but it was nothing compared to the adventure we are having together now. Motherhood is amazing and I am so lucky to have you in my life. You make me laugh and smile every day and I am so grateful for that. We learn and share, grow and change- together. You are my favorite person and I love you so much.

You were born in the San Francisco Bay Area and we currently live in Columbus Ohio. We'll probably live here five or so more years. We moved here for you- a sacrifice, yes. I use the word not to martyr myself, but in the original meaning of the word- "to make sacred". As parents, we opt to make decisions that we would not make if we were single and childless. And we do it with joy, freely and lovingly. We moved to Ohio because needed a cheap place that was closer to extended family and a support network (so we could get back on our feet financially while still giving you a childhood worth nostalgia- one with playing outdoors, music lessons, and camping vacations).

Right now, daddy is working to get back to college, and mama is working on finishing her grad degree, too. Once we have those pieces of paper, we will have better skills to support our family the way we want to- flexible schedules (so we can spend oodles of time with you!) and decent wages for our work (so we can live somewhere nice with you and give you experiences worth having).

Here in Columbus, we have the ability to pay off student loans and live cheaply (as students with a kid are wont to do) for a while. We don't plan to be here forever, but while we are here, I get to show you wonders like snow forts and lightning bugs. We have a great zoo, an amazing library, and cool science museum for kids here. I am unschooling/homeschooling by choice-  as the different child of weird parents, I want you to live as free from judgment and scorn as possible. As your main teacher, I set a few goals, but you choose most of where and how we learn. Here in the midwest, you get to experience not-so-subtle seasons as the Wheel of the Year turns and we teach you about nature, the sabbats, and the world around you.

I cannot wait for the next phase of our family's evolution- back west, but to a new city. In the meantime, I am enjoying every minute of your preschool and early elementary years here in the Capitol City. We are in the right place for this time.

I love you so much.

Love, Your mama.

Watching My Son Grow: Goal Setting

I have always be a "do-er". I am a list maker, a goal setter, a strategic planner. I also believe in letting kids be kids and letting play and natural exploration govern their learning. So how do I strike a balance between these two philosophies with my son?

Introducing... "The Rowan Station"! It is a kid-height bulletin board in our kitchen that helps Rowan focus on things we (his father and I consult on these things with Rowan) think he needs to work on. They are interests that come up (Soon he will be taking violin, for example. I never would have picked that instrument- Rowan picked it. (I am more of a drum girl, myself.) I look forward to rusty hinge noises during practice for the coming years- groan!), as well as developmental milestones, and age-appropriate topics. We pick five- it seems like a reasonable amount of things to juggle and maintain interest without being overwhelming. With five things, we can switch from topic to topic, so nothing gets boring or seems like we are drilling him (what could divert enthusiasm faster?).

Right now, as Rowan approaches his third birthday, this is what he is working on:

1. Phonics. He knows his alphabet, and is about halfway through knowing the sound of the consonants. It's very exciting, and we cheer him on and tell him how close he is to learning to read himself. He is so excited to learn to read. We go to the library weekly and check out a huge tote bag full of books. We get him picture books as well as young adult chapter books that aren't overly scary. Right now, besides picture books, he is hearing stories from Rudyard Kipling, Maurice Sendak, and Roald Dahl. He loves books and memorizes the shorter ones so he can tell the stories to himself when we are not reading aloud. It is adorable.

2. Manners. Oh my. How this mama wishes that manners were an innate quality humans have. But alas, my preschooler is a beastie with no sense of propriety. Manners is an umbrella term we are using for respecting others and being a good citizen, family member, and friend. What are "bad manners"? Littering, crowding people, watching people in the bathroom, staring at others while in a restaurant, chewing with your mouth full, picking toe jam or your nose at the table (ugh!), and interrupting conversations (particularly with shouting, whining, or demands). We are focusing on giving people space, privacy, and table manners while eating right now.

Rowan scored very high in problem solving
in his preschool assessment. Here he is,
piecing a puzzle together.

3. Numbers and Counting. We are spanning the bridge between knowing the memorized sequence of numbers in their order and using that to actually count objects properly. We have him in the kitchen when we cook, "helping us" by counting out tortillas, for example.

The first three items are things we are actively working on, daily (and Rowan is right there, on board). The last two items are things that he is ready to do, according to all the experts, but is not doing as well as he could be. We have them on the list as a reminder to the adults that we should be putting the idea out there and raising the bar gradually on these items.

4. Getting Dressed and Undressed. He has shown no interest in actually doing it himself, which surprises me. He is so eager to be a "big boy" in other areas. We ask him to put on his jacket and after we get the zipper in the right position, to zip it up. He can put on his own frog boots (although he still has not mastered which foot!) but it is harder for other shoes without pull-up handles. He shows no interest in dressing himself, but wants to pick out his own clothes. I think the next step will be that he gets to pick out things if he is willing to put them on (or try).

5. Potty Learning. We would love for him to be actively trying, but right now he isn't. We ask all the time if he wants to sit on the potty, but right now he would rather use a diaper. He actively poops in his diaper instead of trying the potty. Sigh. We are not pressuring him- what's the point? There will come a time when he is ready and it will be a quick process when that time comes. In the meantime, it is something we keep reminding him of because he is at the age to start sometime soon.

If you notice (in the first picture), he also has a small calendar on the board- to teach him about the passage of time. He is curious about it and uses the words "today", "tomorrow", and the days of the week incorrectly at times. So I wanted to show him what they actually mean by using a calendar. I put events on there that will help him mark the passage of time (birthdays, Friday Family Fun Night, potlucks, storytimes, etc.), and we have him cross off the days as they pass. I am hoping that by using a visual aid, he will come to a better understanding of this abstract concept.

How do you teach your kids (both academic subjects at home and life skills)? Do you set goals, either privately amongst adults or including the child(ren)?

Rowan Update

Rowan and playmate, gardening

We are in the throes of summer here in Ohio and with it, Rowan is reliving parts of my childhood: running through sprinklers, catching and releasing lightening bugs, watching wildlife, and fighting sleep because it is still light outside at bedtime.

Today, we went with the neighbor family down to the parking lot of the abandoned school behind our house (and over the ravine's bridge) and the kids rode their bikes (Rowan rode his trike) around the parking lot. Rowan has a ridiculous helmet that he picked out- it has silicone attachments that look like a twee pony head. He picked it out himself, and looks "awesome" wearing it (his words). There we had an encounter with a kestrel who kept a close eye on us and dive-bombed us a couple of times, trying to drive us away. Rowan was enchanted and "flew" around the parking lot as well.

On the carousel at the zoo

Rowan has also started demanding to wear rain boots as his shoe of choice, over sandals and sneakers, even in hot weather. His hair is down to the middle of his back now, and despite hating to have it brushed, he still says he does not want us to cut it. So be it.

He swears like a sailor- have I mentioned that? While many people refrain from cursing in front of kids, we never did and neither did his paternal grandparents (who see him several days a month- and we lived with them for 5 months). As a result, he is now a demanding toddler who adds "dammit" for emphasis. "Where's my sandwich, dammit?" is a common lunchtime refrain.

Bouncing on his ball.

We are now working with him on appropriate language and manners- which is super fun as you can imagine at this age. Chewing with your mouth closed, not whining, not calling things "stupid", and not being physically rough when frustrated are at the top of the list right now. We have already mastered sharing, taking turns, and saying things like "please" and "thank you".

Additionally, we are teaching him magical lessons as well. Just today, he was whining about having to walk home from Dairy Queen (poor neglected child!) and his father was talking about how life means struggle and right now he is suffering, but you must suffer in order to learn and he needs to figure out what he is learning in that moment. We tend not to talk down to our son, and it seems to work for him- he is advanced for his age and understands much more than most give him credit for. We are teaching him to respect other creatures and be gentle and not abuse his size or other advantages with them. He learns quite quickly in that regard, probably because he loves animals so much.

We are giving him all the basics about the elements as you would imagine, plus more. He gets warnings about fire being hot and dangerous, but when we give him that information, we also tell him how concentrated well-tended fire is a tool and needs to be respected. we talk of building the fire within ourselves- the fire of Will to get stuff done.

He talks regularly of invisibles. Just this morning on the way to work, Rowan said, "There's a lady." "Where?", Daddy asked. "Right there", he said, pointing to the spot my maternal grandmother often used to sit and visit me. I haven't seen her in a while, so I am glad that she is now visiting Rowan.

What are your kids up to?

Booper Quotes

In the dog house again!

So my son Rowan is 27 months old and is speaking in more complex sentences now. He experiments with syntax, grammar, ideas, and verb tenses, but he can generally make himself understood without difficulty. Sometimes, he says adorably precious things, and a mama has to share!

Last week, we were explaining to Rowan that we go to church AND that mama and daddy are Witches. His response, "I grow up and wanna be Witches too!" (Heart melt!)

Mama: "Rowan do you want to have a chocolate cookie or a lemon cookie?"
Rowan: "I want BOTH, mommy. BOTH." (Looks at me like I am stupid and points to his hand.)

He has a purple tee shirt with a sparkly Witchlet on it (I got it cheap after Halloween in the girl's section) that he loves. Every time I put it on him he says, "It's Magic, Mommy." I have no idea where he got that.

In his room, next to his book shelf.

Rowan was overtired and was melting down at every last little thing that didn't go his way. On the way to his bed for nap time he said, "I Alexander, mommy."
At first I didn't understand what he meant. "No, you are Rowan, honey."
And he finishes, "I is having a horrible no good day."
(I read him Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day the night before.) We talked about how a nap would make everything better and afterwards he would be a happy kid again. Sure enough, he was.

Letters to Littles, March 2012

This is my first post for the blog carnival "Letters to Littles". This is a blog carnival that encourages bloggers to write letters to their young chldren about their shared lives in the moment. A snapshot in time is thereby captured, a memory or two, and something of value is created for posterity. Well, lets hope my contribution can be that profound, anyway!


I am excited to make this a semi-regular feature on Witch Mom. What a great idea! When I created the semi-regular feature "Watching My Son Grow" I was thinking it could also do the same thing, but I like this format better, I think.




Dear Rowan,

When Nanny and Pap Pap came to visit with Oscar and
Felix, you played in their crates all day!

I have no idea how old you will be when you get to read this, but I hope that you can come back to this blog again and again and read all about you, me, and our family. Our family is a little (ahem) unique and I want to document this grand experiment we are calling The Kunning Family.


At this writing, you are two years and almost two months old. You just really "got" the concept of what birthdays are this last time and now you want to open every box and package that comes (hoping it is a present). Your second birthday was spent in Appalachia, surrounded by family and friends from the UU church there. 


We now are getting a new start in Columbus and you are already crushed out on the neighbor girl, Madda. You ask for her almost every day and follow her around like a puppy when you are together. It is pretty cute. A bit ago, we got library cards and now we go to the library once a week to get new books. Our local branch also has a playground behind it, so our Monday outings are super fun for you.


We started attending a new UU church too- and there a few kids in the nursery for you to get to know. So Sundays are fun for you, too- and you ask to go to church on other days of the week.

At the park behind the library

The weather has been unpredictable and kinda crappy (it IS March), but as soon as it warms up, we are going to be taking regular walks to get to know our neighborhood. We will also be volunteering in the community garden, joining the Y, making regular trips to the zoo, and going outside to play more. I can't wait to start exploring our new city and life with you!


While you are "too young" for school, I have been working with you anyway. You are amazing- your vocabulary is extensive, you can count to 12, and you know most of your letters already. You tell stories (to us, to your toys, to the birds) and listen attentively when we read to you. I am blown away at how smart you are and how your personality is already your own.


You have this amazing smile that we call your "Cholla smile" you started smiling that way, with all your teeth exposed like a predator, the corners of your eyes crinkled in delight after visiting Auntie Cholla and seeing her smile and laugh. You like to make people laugh and perform constantly. I would not be surprised if you became a thespian. When you act out and need to get a time out, you go-to defense is "funny? laughin'?" hoping that if you make us laugh you will avoid discipline.

Snuggling after a long day.

You are in your in your own room with your own big boy bed now, and the transition has not been as hard as I thought it would be (for you, anyway). Sometimes, when you wake upset in the middle of the night, I am more than OK getting into bed with you to snuggle, even though we are sharing a twin bed. When you put your nose against mine and say "I love you, mommy" in the dark, it more than makes up for my loss of sleep. (But can I say that I feel so much more energetic and happy to play with you today, because I got a full night's sleep? Hint hint.)


You talk non-stop. I remember when you were very little, your father and I would talk about how we could not wait until you were old enough to talk and tell us what you are thinking and feeling. Now sometimes, we would love to have 10 minutes of silence! whether or not we will ever get it again, you are a free spirit that loves life and I am so proud to be your mom.


Your hair is almost down to the small of your back now. We have never cut it, and when we ask you if you want it cut (because you HATE when we brush it) you tell us no. So we have not cut it and will not until you want us to.


In closing, I just want to remind you that I love you, you are my favorite person in the whole world, and I can't wait to see what comes next. Together!


Love, Mama

Watching My Son Grow: Into Everything!

Checking out his selection of snacks.

I have watched my son grow from a tentative baby into a gregarious toddler, and now he's into everything! Rather than hinder his natural curiosity, I am encouraging his exploration. He is learning all about the natural world, our human activities, and gaining all kinds of life skills and knowledge.

Our latest fun adventure is "helping" around the house. Rowan loves the vacuum, and calls it a "monster". (Hos grandparents are actually getting him a real vacuum, albeit a small lightweight one, for the holidays!) He wants to assist every time it is rolled out and is sad to see it leave and "sleep" in the closet. He also wants to help cook, which was a problem until recently!

"Helping" to make cookies.

I found a great blueprint online for a "helping tower". This is basically an adjustable step-stool with rails around it for safety. It gets my son up to counter height, so he can "help" me cook and bake. (Anyone with a cooking toddler knows that "help" is in quotation marks for a reason. If you want your toddler involved, give yourself an extra half hour, at least to finish any project, and prepare the room and the toddler for mess making. We usually strip the boy down to his diaper, pull his hair back in a ponytail,  and clear away anything fragile, like the coffee maker on the counter when he "helps".)

This helping tower is awesome!

I am lucky enough to have Rowan's grandfather, who is a whiz with wood and has his own workshop with every power tool imaginable. He spent a day making this tower from leftover poplar he had lying aorund. Once we brought it in the house, Rowan took to it immediately. He loves his "towuh" and tries to drag it across the kitchen floor to the counter every day now to participate.

When we were in the hardware store, I asked Rowan to pick a color for the tower from the paint samples, and he (finally!) picked an orange sherbet color. So that's what color the tower has become. Mama spent time in the basement painting it and when the new and improved tower was brought back up, Rowan exclaimed, "Tower! Paintin'!" I think that means he likes it.

One recent adventure was making daddy's birthday cheesecake. As Rowan licked the beaters clean, he kept murmuring, "Happy Biwfday!" Could he get any cuter, seriously? Tonight, Rowan got to help make Chicken Marsala, and tested the texture and taste of flour. I am so excited he gets to explore like this from a young age.

How do you let your kids "help"?

This post is part of the Monday blog hop at the Natural Parenting Group, a site which I am a member!

Booper Quotes

Lately, since Rowan has been working on developing sentences and syntax, he comes up with all kinds of precious gems. Here are a few!

Me to partner (who is stringing up lights in the yard): "Are you gonna do a Maypole Dance around that tree with the lights?" 
Rowan (who is watching): "Maple Pants?"

At the local petting zoo, upon viewing a pig: "Money, mommy?" (He thinks all pigs eat coins, like his piggy bank at home. He loves to feed the animals and watch them eat.)

We are not teaching Rowan about Santa Claus*. Because that guy is everywhere these days, he sees inflatables, pictures, statues and such and like any toddler, wants to know what it is. So we told him his name: Nick. Nick, we explained, is an old guy that is famous this time of year. You should see the strange stares we get at the mall when our son points and yells, "Nick! The Old Guy!"

Booper is learning to count, although depending on how tired he is, he may not get his numbers in order. Last night, while climbing the stairs to go to bed, he counted, "One, Free, Six".


Got a cute toddler story to share (new or old) please do in the comments!

---

*We believe it is better for our son to learn that the people he loves are getting him gifts and he in turn is recognizing the people he loves with gifts in turn. While it is a cute tradition in the USA, I am not going to lie to my son about Santa Claus or the tooth fairy. Anybody with me on this one?

Watching My Son Grow: Our Progress and Plans

Helping mama bake cookies for Sunday School.

Rowan is closing in on two years old- I cannot believe it! He has grown and developed at such breakneck speed that this mama is gasping to catch her breath. Before my very eyes, Rowan has become a little boy and less of a baby. He is stringing together sentences, he knows his colors, he can count to eight, and is learning the names of letters. He surprises me every day with a new word or concept that he has picked up. He remembers EVERYTHING.

In his current home, he has watched a little too much TV for my liking (a consequence of living in a home that is not your own and having a TV in the majority of the downstairs rooms), and now knows the names of TV characters like Elmo (from Sesame Street), Muno and Plex (from Yo Gabba Gabba), and "Backpack" (which is the character from that show that he likes better than Dora the Explorer!). I am looking forward to a TV free existence soon. While my son has a great imagination and loves books, I don't like how he stops what he is doing at times to stare at the screen at times. Eventually, that viewing will turn into crass commercialism, something I wish to avoid. So soon (thankfully!) we will be back to our selective-viewing-on-a-laptop kind of life.

Nanny giving Ro a bath.

He has had the good fortune of living with his "Nanny and Pap Pap" for a few months, and has developed quite a close relationship with each of them. We will be moving in February into our own place, but expect that they will visit quite often. I am a firm believer in tribe and extended family. In our new place, we will soon be living with close friends who also have a toddler (Rowan's best friend, who is a week younger than he is- we all met in birth class). We are all relocating from the Bay Area to Columbus- a long trek and one that was designed with the kids in mind.

Columbus has amazing parks, libraries, museums, a zoo, and much more. The cost of living is easier here than the Bay, which means stability and opportunity to homeschool the way that I want- with music and dance lessons, martial arts, and art in Rowan's life. I anticipate using our homesteading efforts to help school him in math, life skills, reading, and science. Regular outings will supplement our lessons, and classes will give him focused skill sets.

Trick or Treating for the first time.

As a child I was reading at age three, and I anticipate that Rowan will read early as well. He loves books, remembers what is on each page already, and is interested in letters now. Ohio's homeschool laws ask for more documentation than California, but I don't expect that to be a problem for us. When he reaches school age, I need to give a principal our curriculum for the year and have them sign off on it. I am using my master's degree to develop a curricula on religion, social justice, and the world's cultures. I am also accumulating help on the main school subjects (math, science, reading, social studies) on my Pinterest boards. Feel free to subscribe!

Watching My Son Grow: Story and Narrative

A delightful thing has happened in the last few months: Rowan has both become a storyteller and also now appreciates a good story. He is only 17 months old and has a limited vocabulary (of words we understand, anyway!), so his stories consist of dogs, birds, balls, bubbles, houses, food, juice, water, going to sleep, and milk. But what an extraordinary thing! I am blown away by the intellectual connections he is making and the knowledge he is amassing.

Last month, when putting my son to bed, I decided to tell him a story of my own making. Little did I know then that the story would be asked for again and again and become his favorite, one that he also asks his daddy to tell. The story, which has several variations, is called "The House of Balls" and it is all about a special house, just for Rowan, that has unlimited balls of every color, pattern and size. (FYI, balls are Rowan's favorite toy- hands down.)

Each room has a different theme: one is a huge ball pit, another is a dance room with many many disco balls on the ceiling. The green room has green balls, the red room has red and so on. The roof outside has a bubble machine that blows bubbles into the yard 24/7, and has dogs that love to play fetch. He has a book room where someone is always available to tell him a story.

To amuse myself, I placed a bowling alley in the basement, croquet, petanque, and bocci ball courts in the yard.  (He has no idea what these things are- perhaps he will love them later.) His favorite part of the story is where he goes outside to the dog run and throws the ball for the dog, who fetches and drops the ball at his feet, so he can throw it again. At specific words he does sign: "dog", "ball", and he even points to his feet! It is freaking adorable. At bedtime, I'll tell him to lay his head on the pillow so he can have a story, which he does eagerly. Then he signs "please" and "ball"- meaning, "Please tell me about the House of Balls".

He also loves to tell stories, to himself and to us. He narrates what just happened to us. If he pulls out his scooter and it falls over, he comes over and babbles at us, interspersed with actual words and signs until we decipher out loud what he is telling us: "Yes, I saw that your scooter fell over. Can you pick it up? Do you want help?" But usually he is not requesting help at all- he is just sharing his experiences with us the best he can. He is more than pleased when we tell him in full sentences what happened and show him that we understand.

I have also caught him using his toys to act out scenarios (feeding his ball popper toy, making Puck his doll talk, or talking in babble to his worm or fox). He often will "read" books to himself, pointing at the pictures and narrating them with babble. His imagination is firing on all cylinders and I wish I knew what was going on in there!

I am looking forward to him learning new sounds and words and signs so we are better able to communicate and tell stories to one another. Magically, this is super important. I am teaching him that there is no objectivity, no Truth with a capital T. I am teaching that all of life is story, and he has his versions and others have theirs. All have value. No one's story is more important than his, and vice versa. He is a note in the amazing, multi-textured song of creation.

Watching My Son Grow: Language and Abstract Concepts

Cinco de Mayo Sparkle Pony.

Lately, Rowan has been growing and changing by leaps and bounds. While he has stayed at relatively the same size, his brain development and advancing coordination has been astounding to watch.

We started talking to him and signing to him as soon as he was born, hoping that he would pick it up early and often. We often wondered if anything that we were doing was having any effect, since he used the same syllable ("ba") to mean a statement, a question, and pretty much everything in his universe. We need not worry about that any longer.

About a month ago, he started making all the signs t get his basic needs met. He had made them intermittently before, sometimes keeping a sign, sometimes losing it for a month or so- but all of the sudden- BAM!  He now makes signs every day to help us care for him: "milk", "water", "juice", "food", "sleep", and "diaper". Given that he is a generally cheerful guy unless he is hungry, thirtsy, or sleepy- this has been awesome. We have been able to eliminate 80% of his frustration because he can tell us what he needs now.

Here's Rowan, making a personally adapted sign for "more", over and over:


While his go-to syllable is still "ba", he is actively trying to say the words we give to him now. Yesterday, he asked for a slice of bell pepper, and we gave him one- and as usual said "Pepper. Peh-Purrrr." Then he let loose with "beh buh". "Great! Puh Puh Puh- Pep-Purr!" and he enthusiastically went through and tried to make the P sound (which he did) and the end sounds (which appear harder for him to do).

He knows the names of his body parts (most of them, anyway)- and when we ask, "Where's your hair? Your belly button? Your penis? Your elbow?" he can tell us proudly. (And let me tell you- he IS proud. He claps for himself and stomps his feet and does this funny rooster dance that he made up when he's excited about his accomplishments.)

On the go baby, complete with snack jar.

He has also started trying to telling me stories. Short ones, yes. About what just happened. If he falls and hits his head on the chair, he gets my attention, points to his head, the chair, and the ground emphatically saying "ba! ba! ba!". That's my cue to say, "Yes, Rowan. I saw you fall and hit your head on that chair." He seems satisfied after that. I'm delighted he wants to share these things with me. Once, he even fell but did not hit the table, but I saw him move mid-fall so that he would not- preventing himself from getting hurt on the table. He went through the same routine- pointing to the floor, his head, the table. I said, "Good job, Booper- you didn't hit your head!" Then he did the clap and rooster dance for himself.

With him picking up new words every day now, I am so looking forward to having actual conversations with my son.

Rowan is 11 months today!

Silly Devil Cowlick

At this writing, I find it hard to believe that I have been a mother for almost a year. I am actually started to plan my son's first birthday party! It has been an incredible journey that is only just beginning. I am amazed at my son and myself daily for everyday miracles, and personal developments in both of us.

My son has been good for me. He has made me more patient, more present, and more giving. I have never been a patient person, and motherhood tests your limits. But love for Rowan supercedes any personal agenda I may have in the short-term and I gladly set aside my laptop, my reading, or my craft project to cuddle when he desires it or to console him when he is feeling sad, scared, or frightened. And I am delighted to do so. It has surprised me, actually. In those moments when I am lying next to him, cuddling instead of doing schoolwork, I look into his eyes and feel absolutely no resentment for the late night I will have in order to get my assignment done in time.

He loves sparkly things.
Must be the Rad Fae influence.

Lately he has tried my patience for sure- teething leads to inconsolable crying for prolonged periods. He is going through several phases of fighting naptime and sleeping (and more crankiness). He has entered the phase of separation anxiety from both me and his daddy- which means anytime one of us has somewhere to be, he cries for 10 minutes to an hour, missing us. I am no saint- it is at those times when I gladly pass him off to daddy (when he gets home) after those trying times in order to recharge my battery (and be a better parent ultimately). Daddy does the same thing, it's an unspoken ritual when he's been especially trying that day.

I am so happy that I get to stay home with him for over a month! My semester ended last week, and I do not have new classes until the beginning of February! While I have some personal plans (reading for pleasure! taking up embroidery again! starting the Bay Area Bureau of the Pagan Newswire Collective!), the main plan is to revel in these deadline free times with Rowan -to celebrate the time we have as a family and make new traditions.

Natural Parenting Update

‎"If there is anything that we wish to change in our children, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could be better changed in ourselves." - Carl Jung

Being a Witch means natural parenting ideas are the ones that come naturally to me, but sometimes it means more work and challenges in life! Rowan is growing so fast, sometimes I just want to document what he's up to so I will remember what the day-to-day was like!

Mmmm. Black Beans!

Baby Led Weaning (BLW): This is a very messy experiment, and if you hate cleaning up messes... well, it would be a hard project for you! Baby led weaning is where you allow your child to experiment with chunks of food, rather than only feeding purees and mashes. This allows your child to develop a healthy gag reflex and distinguish between gagging and actual choking much faster. It also means as a family, you are sharing healthy meals together, and I have noticed that Rowan would much rather eat what we are eating than a separate "baby only" food. BLW should only be done with a parent present, of course. Rowan LOVES his food. He seems to love everything we give him and in myriad ways: to eat it, smear it, squish it, and let juices gush down his chin onto his chest (we strip him to only his diaper these days when he eats- to lessen the clean up!). He is reveling in being a big boy that eats solids- just like mama and papa. And while yes- he has gagged a few times, he has never choked. He's a master!

Speaking and Signing: He has spoken his first word, "ball" which is easily his favorite toy. He pronounces it "bla" (I guess those end L sounds are hard!). As of this week, he has finally mastered the "m" sound and can finally say mama, which he uses to mean ME! (That makes mama smile!) He also knows sign, although he does not do any yet. He most assuredly knows "milk", "food", "sleep", "mama" and "daddy". We are teaching him "ball", "all done", "diaper", and "kiss" now- we are unsure of he understands those yet.

Barrettes and a "girly" stroller. Whatever.

Gender-Free Agenda: Rowan lives in a gender-free world and wears clothes and accessories assigned to any gender. He also has gear that is typically "girly" in most people's eyes and sometimes he even gets called a little girl in public. Whatever.

He also has some new toys that I think are important: a doll and a play purse. The doll I had made for him because I wanted a boy doll that was anatomically correct AND intact, like he is. In my quest, I found boy dolls with no genitalia and boy dolls with circumcised genitalia, but not exactly what I wanted. So I had it made. It is adorable and he loves it, especially biting its cute button nose. The purse is a toy that I found in a toy store after having Rowan carry around my purse and play with it. He obviously wanted one of his own. It's a cute colorful one that comes with a fabric cell phone, fabric play money and wallet, and a little mirror compact (fabric as well). In my opinion, children need toys that help them sort out the world- toys that mimic what adults do (brooms and dustpan, costumes, play food to prepare, and yes- purses) and dolls to help them learn how to relate emotionally to others and have confidantes. I want my son to be an empathetic compassionate person, and he may be a father one day. A doll is a perfect way to help him get started on both roles.

Developing Autonomy: He wants to do most things for himself these days- if we are eating a meal, he wants us to hand him the food piece or put it on his tray. How dare we put it in his mouth for him! And he hates when he is not in control of his body (like when we dress him, wipe a runny nose, or change his diaper) and fights us every step of the way, LOUDLY. He is his own person with his own ideas of how his world should be. It's adorable and we apologize when we must fuss over him in this way.

Co-Sleeping: Rowan has only ever slept in his crib for 10 minutes (we had a co-sleeper bassinette attached to the bed). He was so upset from that experience (I believe that it reminded him of being in the NICU, alone) in his first few hours home that I put him into bed next to me where he snuggled and was able to smell me and he has slept with us ever since. It has worked out quite well, although soon, he will need his own short bed. He is almost a toddler! So we plan on shopping soon for a convertible crib/toddler bed/twin bed/full bed combo to get in the new year.

Vaccinations: Rowan still does not have any vaccinations, and won't until at least a year of age, if then. I know this issue brings up a lot of intense feelings on both sides of the debate and I am doing my best to remain impartial and objective and read as much as I can about it. Needless to say, there are so many problems that I have read about (and yes, I know the autism research was faked- I am talking about other health problems), that I am wary. So I continue to educate myself about it. No decisions need to be made now.

Punkin Patch!

Being Gentle: Rowan is an enthusiastic child, and we encourage that wildness. However, we have done a couple things that I think are confusing to him now that he is stronger and capable of hurting someone. We would, in play, nibble him- which he tries to do now when being playful and loving- but he does it hard sometimes- we are talking all-out biting- WITH TEETH. Ouch.

The other thing that is confusing him is we taught him that good enthusiasm is equated with clapping ("yay!") and now he "claps" ON things he likes and is having fun with- which is to say- he hits them repeatedly, over and over. I am fine when it is a toy, not so fine with it when it is a person or animal. So we are trying to explain the nuance and teach him what gentle touches are like. It is slow going. I think I am going to have to channel my inner thespian and cry to get his attention or something- cuz when we say "no", he laughs. While I am glad that he does not understand to fear someone if they are stern, it does make for a conundrum getting your point across. When we say "gentle" and use his hand to stroke what he just hit, he'll do that for a while, then it's back to hitting. Sigh.

Getting Around: He is a mobile baby- and boy can he move fast! He can crawl so fast we have to jog to catch up and it will no doubt be soon that he is walking. He already crawls to furniture, only to pull himself up and stand there (and sometimes dance). He has taken one step already, but usually he falls to his butt and starts to crawl if you ask him to come over. We hope that soon he'll be walking- after all, he's getting heavy!

Watching My Son Grow: 9 Months

Making the decision to have a child - It's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. - Elizabeth Stone 

Rowan is reaching so many milestones lately that I can hardly keep up. Crawling, standing unassisted, fine motor skills, eating anything and everything solid we give him (and loving almost all of it!), and connecting to animals and children in a real and meaningful way.

I am happy to say that he is a connected human being. He demands eye contact with all he meets- it is important for him to connect with us, rather than passively observe the world. This has been my number one goal as a parent- making sure he feels a connection to all living things and knows that he is a part of a greater whole. He has regular kid, dog, and bird friends that make his face light up and that crazy velociraptor squeal come out. He is enthusiastic about making connections with not just mommy and daddy, but all he encounters. He has not gone through a "stranger danger" phase (as some of his friends have) yet, and I hope that he will not, because he is exposed to so many loving people in his daily life beyond that artificial "nuclear family" model we, as a culture, have grown so used to.

I am also happy to report that a consequence of his connection is empathy. The other day, we decided to trim our parrots' nails- something they don't particularly enjoy, but is necessary (and we are gentle). But Rah Rah, our foster Amazon, has this wheezy panicked noise she makes when we hold her in the proper position (neck and head restrained, on her back, feet up)- as if we are terrible predators who are going to eat her. Rowan reacted very strongly and suddenly- his little face contorted into a grimace and he started to wail as he watched her distress. We promptly put her down and he then smiled. "It's okay, little Boop. We love Rah Rah." I assured him (I then waited until his nap to trim her nails!).

His multi-religious education goes well, too:
He's been to one of the largest pagan conferences in the world (and will be going again in February), Feri rituals big and small, small children's (non-denominational) pagan sabbats, a Sufi Zikr, Radical Faerie gatherings, and recently we celebrated shabbat with Jewish friends in their home (after they blessed the wine and challah, we shared with them how we say, "May you never thirst" and "May you never hunger" as we pass the sacrament around to share. It was nice.)

Watching My Son Grow: Jammy and Diaper Days

Today is a precious day: for me, it is a "jammy day" and for Rowan, it is a "diaper day". What do I mean?

Crawling!

We are an incredibly busy family. Always on the go and most of the time with Rowan in tow. He's been babysat all of twice so far and most of the time we just bring him along to whatever we do, unless it is inappropriate. If it is, either one of us goes (and the other stays home with Rowan) or we all do something else. We like it that way. He has learned to sleep where he is, play with what is around (we do bring toys for him, but often he prefers exploring his surroundings), and be adventurous with people and places.

Eating!

But today is one of those rare days that neither Rowan nor I have to leave the house. On these days, mommy never gets out of her jammies and Rowan never puts on clothes- he just runs around in his diaper (the closest thing he gets for long term periods to being naked, which is what he'd prefer!). I love these days. So does he. He gets #1 priority on these days, even if I have chores, schoolwork, or other work to do.

Jumping!

I get to really study my son, learn all about his likes, dislikes, fears and joys in a way that you just cannot do when you multi-task. Today, Rowan and I played on the floor with his ball (his new favorite toy) wrestled and tickled, started learning a new sign (for "kiss"), and he watched me make soup from Mabon leftover chicken. We ate heirloom tomatoes, danced to some pirate metal  (did you know that it is International Talk Like a Pirate Day?), and laughed at the antics of my birds.

In the narrow window of time that daddy was home, we installed a new extra wide baby gate as part of our ever-expanding baby-proofing measures to contain our newly mobile son. (More to do, of course, but we are taking it one step at a time!)

One of the new things Rowan likes to do is tell me when my plants need watering. I used to have a green thumb, when I lived by myself in a cute little witch's cottage. Since living with other people, I have had bad luck with plants. Not sure if it's all the extra fauna energy trumping the plant communication or what. But lately, Rowan has been helping mommy remember our houseplants and herb garden. He will stop whatever he is doing, and stare at the plants that live above the house altar and beloved dead altar. Just stare, until I notice. Then he smiles broadly as if to say, "Yep, you got it!" Then I will go get the water pot and he watches me water all the plants, smiling all the while. I may have a hard time hearing my plants these days, but I am glad to say that Rowan hears that they are thirsty just fine!

I don't know if I would have caught this subtle, non-verbal communication if I didn't have these precious days with my son. I love the days we can both slow down and love one another, and revel in anothers' company.

Watching My Son Grow: 6 months

Rowan is growing like a weed right before our very eyes, and it astounds me. I know everybody and their mother warned me that "The time goes by so fast! Enjoy this time- it doesn't last forever!" But who would have thought a cliché could be so true? I am astounded that my "squidpickle" from the 19 week ultrasound is now a real live human being on the outside, exerting his will in the world and enjoying fruits and veggies!

Right now, he is experiencing his 6 month growth spurt, right on cue. It is characterized by more napping, lots more eating, and fits of pique from not being able to accomplish everything he wants to do (He's a lot like his mommy in that way- I think that I should be able to whatever I set my mind to!). He also fights his naps like nobody's business, even when he most assuredly needs them.

Tummy time has made way for floor time- most of the time, he is practicing to crawl and his tummy is not on the floor. We encourage him wildly at these times as he inches forward (only to inch back- the whole forward motion thing is a mystery to him still). He is learning that "Yay!" and clapping are good things, and he grins broadly when they happen. I would characterize these moments as the building of his Pride*. When he is able to reach out and grab something he wants successfully, a huge grin of triumph spreads across his face that is unmistakable.

He works so hard at crawling and trying to grasp small objects and manipulate them, but his body and mind and the connection between the two are not developed enough yet. And this leads to the inevitable meltdown. He gets so frustrated at wanting to do something but cannot that he starts yelling and crying in frustration. At times like this he is inconsolable for at least 5 minutes, even if we are holding him tight, wiping away the tears, and talking to him lovingly. He is learning about his Power* and how to make his body do his will.

I also love his exuberant enthusiasm, his easy laughter, and his flirting with people who smile at him. He is so connected to everyone- he trusts completely and has not experienced betrayal or violence yet. Babies are born with a perfect Sex* point, already present and unrepressed. Sex is the force that connects all living things to one another and to the Divine. The universe came into being because of Sex and it continues because of it, too. My son is connected to me and my partner, but he also sees himself connected to everything- I can see this when he plays in the grass or touches a flower. His Talker/Auric Body connects and merges with the object he touches in a way that adults no longer do as a rule.

I love that I can see my little witchlet change almost daily. He is truly coming into his Power!


*Pride, Power, and Sex are three of the five points on the Iron Pentacle, a tool for alchemy in the Feri Tradition. The points are Sex, Pride, Self, Power, and Passion. For more information on Feri terms such as Talker or the Iron Pentacle, I suggest these books: