Rest in Peace, Matthew Shepherd. May Your Sacrifice Not Be In Vain.

Fourteen years ago today, Matthew Shepherd was found barely alive, strung up on a fence left for dead. All because he was different.

Queers of all stripes face discrimination, bullying, and worse. Still to this day. The fight is far from over, what with religious zealots stating that bigotry is protected by religious freedoms and politicians actively trying to take back what little equal rights have been won.

The bigotry is obvious when it is straight-on-gay, white-on-person-of-color, or against the differently-abled. But what is less obvious are the ways that people within their own communities tear one another down and rip community apart with petty differences and the kind of bullying that happens on a junior high schoolyard.

The other day my partner (Rowan's father) went to a party. Some of you may not know that my partner and I both identify as "queer"- my partner is primarily what most would call "gay" and I am primarily what most would call "bisexual". Well, he really desires to be in community in our new city of Columbus with other "gay men", and this party had many of them, so off he went (I stayed home to watch Rowan, even though I was invited as well).

When he got there, he found himself at the mercy of well-established cliques based on looks and societal desirability. One particularly cruel person joked that because he lived with a woman and had a child with her that he was an "unsuccessful homosexual". My partner is an introvert. He is new to this community. So he left early, sad. Had I been there, that bitchy queen would have gotten an earful:

"Excuse me, is this junior high? Because I hear a schoolyard bully. No one gave you permission to police the borders of identity, sir. And if (my partner) is "unsuccessful" by your standards, then he must be an amazing person. Because your standards dictate that you must ostracize good, loving people from your midst. That must mean that you and your friends here are cruel, small hearted, small minded, jerks. You, sir, are petty and mean. You are a small person who makes himself unworthy of my partner's love and care through his own words and deeds. While you seek to name others as undesireable, YOU are the one who is really ugly here."

I have a long history of fighting bullies, starting as a small child. The fact that I have had to fight them my whole life makes me weary. I simply cannot stand cruelty and must act. I defended helpless animals in my neighborhood from traps in gardens and from neighborhood boys. I was once caught pummeling a neighbor boy for smearing a lightning bug on his pants to make them glow. I kicked the crap out of people stomping on ants or pulling legs off of daddy-long-legs (spiders). When I got older, I got a bully to stop picking on some kids on the playground and people started paying me a nickel a day to protect them.

I have never been able to watch movies where people are deliberately cruel to one another- it makes me sick to my stomach. I started a queer anti-hate crim patrol in Boston and led the one in San Francisco. I have disarmed bullies with knives and guns who wanted to harm people for being different.

It sickens me that this kind of bullying happens in communities of which I am a part. It happens at church, it happens amongst queers, and it happens on my son's playground. But when I bear witness, it ends with me.

I will foster empathy in my son. I will call adults out on boorish behavior and talk gently to children who bully. I will think before I speak when I have judgments in my head. It ends with me.

Lessons for My Son: You have Power

This is the first installment of a regular feature that I hope to institute called "Lessons For My Son". In it, I hope to express ideas and concepts that it has taken me 40 years and many mistakes to learn.

The lesson today, Rowan, is that your words and actions matter- and so does your silence and inaction. That you have a direct impact on the world- what you say and do matter just as much as what you do not say or do. You help to shape our reality and you have power.

To deny this fact or act as though it were not true (by letting only others do the shaping) is not only false, it is blasphemy, if witches are said to have such a thing. It's not that I haven't seen witches lose their way- I have. I have lost my way once or twice, too. But a witches' role in this world is to be a bridge, a conduit for power between this world and the next. We have sway and power in both these worlds we span- because it is how we are made. We are born for this work.

So, with the theory above expressed- let's get to the tangible parts of the lesson:

• Sitting on the sidelines watching others do or say something mean, harmful, or ugly is just as bad as articipating in it actively. As Audre Lorde said, "Your silence will not protect you." It just makes the world an uglier and unsafer world for a little longer. Best to confront the ugliness head on- and if you need help, ask me. I will be there for you- always.
  
• You must think of the world that you want to live in, that ideal and live as if you are already there- in that world, every day. Live as if the actions and words that you choose will help to shape those around you and the world itself in the image of that ideal- because it DOES. Words and deeds are the everyday magick that helps us weave the web of life and culture.
  
• Allowing others to control your words and deeds because you fear losing their acceptance or approval is giving away your power. Do not allow bullies to strip you of your birthright as a witch*. Even if those bullies claim to be your friends.
  
• Taking action or saying something that only serves to create comfort isn't always the best path. Speaking the truth, as you know it- particularly when it makes some uncomfortable- is most likely a better course of action. C.S.Lewis said, "If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair." More to the point, JFK said, "There are risks and costs to action. But they are far less than the long range risks of comfortable inaction." 

I wish for you to know your power and what you are capable of and to use that power to make the world a better place. And I hope that growing up with a witch's training will help you reach that gnosis a little sooner than most.


* Yes, I believe that you were born a witch. While it something that you must choose to confirm as an adult later in life- you were conceived and are being raised as a witch. You have already shown promising gifts for such a role in life. You are my little witchlet.