Attachment

Spirituality and action: hand-in-hand.

As I pack and purge in preparation for my cross-country move, I am constantly faced with the question of "Does this thing go or stay?" Inherent in this question is an object's value, either practical or sentimental (often both). As a Taurus with heavy earth leanings, I have accumulated a lot of things in my 18 years in the Bay Area, as well as in my travels and residency elsewhere. I love remembering people and places with tangible items.

I have a jar of beach collected shells. It is a jar that used to contain delicious Chincoteague oysters (that I ate- yum!) and the shells are from that island as well, a family trip I took with my ex. It was delightful and amazing and it lives currently in my bathroom. Should it go? All the feathers from parrots that I have cared for in my business since 2004 that live in a vase in my living room- what should be done with those? Should all of my tarot decks go- including the ones that I used in the past but are no longer used?

I have encountered folks who are armchair Buddhists or spiritual dabblers making comments about "letting go of my attachments" while I ponder what should stay and what should go. And it makes me raise my eyebrows, because these folks obviously do not understand what the Buddha meant by non-attachment as a goal. Here is a website that puts it succinctly:

"[A]ccording to the Buddhist point of view, nonattachment is exactly the opposite of separation. You need two things in order to have attachment: the thing you’re attaching to, and the person who’s attaching. In nonattachment, on the other hand, there’s unity. There’s unity because there’s nothing to attach to. If you have unified with the whole universe, there’s nothing outside of you, so the notion of attachment becomes absurd. Who will attach to what?"

So non-attachment has nothing to do with letting go of material things per se. In fact, it leads me to think that keeping the sentimental is exactly what I should be doing. They are an extension of me- my memories, whether or not they are valuable to someone else.

However, I have to say that this purge (which is quite extensive: we are not taking any furniture, only books, bicycles, temple items, Rowan's things, laptops, a few knick knacks, kitchen gear, and clothes.) has been quite spiritual and cathartic. It feels as though I am clearing the way for a brand new life in my new home by purging things of the past.

I have created a lengthy project of digitizing old photos, papers, and music, so as not to move bulky items like that. I am gifting wonderful items to others that I no longer need or want in my life. I am trying to match the people to the items, so that the giving is meaningful and not simply dumping junk on them. I am donating things to charity. I am recycling. I am donating a ridiculous amount of craft items (how did I get all that stuff?) to the Unitarian Church where I teach Sunday School. In my way, I am trying to bless the place that I called home and the people that I have loved here in my soon-to-be-former home while making a gracious exit.

Handling Conflict with Our Children Compassionately

I am so fortunate to have a resource where I live like the East Bay Meditation Center. They are a completely volunteer run, donation sponsored, Buddhist Sangha that has group sitting time and dharma talks. I have attended the Alphabet Sangha on Wednesday evenings and it is such a beloved space to me. They also have special sitting times for people of color and differing physical abilities, as they are trying to meet the needs of my community. In addition to the usual fare, they also host great workshops, offered on myriad subjects. All workshops are free, although in the spirit of Dana, you are asked to give to the center and/or the teacher if you can.


The East Bay Meditation Center from East Bay Meditation Center on Vimeo.

Last week, I went to a great talk on "Handling Conflict With Our Children Compassionately". It was taught by Shahara Godfrey, a member of the sangha and someone who has worked with all ages of children professionally- from infancy to teen years. Given that Rowan is entering full-blown toddlerhood, I figured staying one step ahead of the game and entering this phase with my eyes open was probably a wise thing!

It was a great workshop for me, as more than anything else- I learned what I was in for! The teacher and I were both surprised that only two parents showed up with kids under 2 (me included-our small group has plenty of time for both of us to talk!). The rest had kids from 3-5, 6-8, 9-12, and teens. From the stories they told and the support they were seeking (and these are gentle parents who came to a Buddhist center for a parenting class), I could tell parenting is going to be the ride of my life, as well as an exercise in patience.

I have to say, having three sessions of meditation (a sit, a walking meditation and then Metta) in one day was positively luxurious for this Witch. Since Rowan was born, I am lucky if I get to sit for 30 minutes a couple times a week. I find that it makes a world of difference in how I interact with him, my partner, and the world- so I am hoping to cultivate a life where daily sitting is possible.

This was a workshop on mindful parenting firmly rooted in the 5 precepts of the Buddha (Here's the Thich Nhat Hanh version, for those so inclined). Our teacher identified more with the 5 precepts as reinterpreted by the Manzanita Village in southern California:

Sculpture using actual human bones.

1. Aware of the violence in the world and of the power of non-violent resistance
I stand in the presence of the ancestors, the earth, and future generations
and vow to cultivate the compassion that seeks to protect each living being.

2. Aware of the poverty and greed in the world and of the intrinsic abundance of the earth,
I stand in the presence of the ancestors, the earth, and future generations
and vow to cultivate the simplicity, gratitude, and generosity that have no limits.

3. Aware of the abuse and lovelessness in the world and of the healing that is made possible when we open to love
I stand in the presence of the ancestors, the earth, and future generations
and vow to cultivate respect for the beauty and erotic power of our bodies.

4. Aware of the falsehood and deception in the world and of the power of living and speaking the truth
I stand in the presence of the ancestors, the earth, and future generations
and vow to cultivate the ability to listen; and clarity and integrity in all I communicate—by my words and actions.

5. Aware of the contamination and desecration of the world and of my responsibility for life as it manifests through me
I stand in the presence of the ancestors, the earth, and future generations
and vow to cultivate discernment and care in what I take into my body and mind.

I was blown away by each parent and what they had to say- they were hoping to use their practice and beliefs to cultivate engaged empathy when having conflict with their kids. To use it to be able to pause, reflect and engage their kids where they are at, rather than flying off the handle (which we all do sometimes).

Can you imagine if we all, as human beings, used these precepts to guide us through life and our interactions with each other? That is, of course, the work of a lifetime. It's much easier to start smaller- and what better place to start than at home, with our children?

What guidelines, quotes, or advice guide you as a parent?

3rd Annual Pagan Values Month

I was delighted to find out that June is (in addition to Queer Pride month) Pagan Values month, a time when we bloggers and podcasters can hash out just what it is we stand for and help the world understand what we are all about. I will be joining the ranks of (hopefully) many other bloggers making a statement of what I believe.

I want to start here by saying that "Pagan" is not necessarily a term that I personally identify with- I identify as a Witch. But I use "Pagan" as a catch-all umbrella term to lump lots of people together who are natural allies. They are minority, non-Abrahamic religions that include many earth-centered (or not!), magick working (or not!), and polytheistic (or not!) folks. Some are animists, some are pantheists, and some (mysteriously) don't really work with gods at all. Not all categories apply to all folks falling under the umbrella- hence my ambivalence about the term as applied to me. But being a great lover of community, bridge-building, and organizing to make the world a better place, I embrace the term as one of political expedience, coalition-building, and cultural shorthand.

So given that caveat, let's get to the task at hand, shall we? What do I believe and how does that inform my values?

1. The gods are real. To quote Raven Kaldera in his fab essay, "On Being a Neo-Pagan Fundamentalist": "The first, and most important tenet, is that a Neo-Pagan fundamentalist actually believes in the existence of every single deity that s/he worships. Deities are not merely theoretical archetypes, nor vague energy forms that can be ordered about by the human mind, nor merely parts of our own deep selves. They do not depend on human attention and worship to exist, although the lack of it may weaken their connection to the world. They have their own lives and personalities when we are not interacting with them, and yes, they are more powerful than we are." I work with many god/desses and "believe" in them all. When Christians ask me if I believe in God, I usually say, "Yes- but which one are you talking about specifically?" I believe in the god that their Bible speaks of, I just don't like that one very much and do not work with him. Which leads me to #2:

2. I myself am a god and am equal to other gods. You heard me. I am divine in my own right and when I worship a god, it is not prostrating myself and submitting myself. I kneel before a god in reverence the same way I kneel before a lover. I worship them as I would a lover as well. The reason I don't much like the Christian god or want to work with him is he seems to demand submission of life force from his followers and monogamy (the whole "no other gods before me" jazz), two things I don't approve of for myself. I am a hard polytheist, don't submit my life force to any one or any thing, and not very monogamous. Your mileage may vary.


3. Magic(k) is real- so are other realms that we don't always see and so are other non-corporeal beings. The world is not a rational place, no matter how convenient a reality that would be for us. There is Mystery and Paradox and I am comfortable with that.

4. Many paths lead to the same place. I have gladly gone to Jewish Renewal Shabbat services, Sufi Zhikrs, and worship at Unitarian churches. I have chanted and broken bread with Hare Krishnas and tantrics. I have sat in Buddhist meditation centers and listened to dharma talks. As long as a religion is open to me and my beliefs, I am open and happy to explore them. They all hold truths. No one has a monopoly on ethical behavior and the "one true way" is a lie- which leads me to #5:

5. Diversity is good. Genderful, sexual, and racial diversity! Different ages, physical abilities, mental abilities, ethnicities, points of view, and religions! All these differences are fascinating, delightful, make the world interesting place and are virtues. The fact that there are political minorities left out of decision making or denied the same rights as others is unethical and anti-religious. Which leads me to #6:

6. Religion that divides us or inspires hate is not religion. It deserves no audience. As I said in an earlier post on this blog, "Simply put, a theology that preaches disconnection from others, regardless of the reason, is not a real religion- it is simply hate speech wrapped up in a corrupt theology. You heard me. Yes, I said that. I am calling recent statements by the pope and Mormon deacons unreligious.

Religion, at its core, is an idea of wholeness- from creation to destruction and everything in between. It encompasses all of humanity and indeed all of creation. A church that does not embrace all living things as equals, one that sees some people as more inherently virtuous than others is not a religious institution. When done properly, religion cannot be used as an instrument of hate. When it is, calling it religion is a misnomer."

7. Community is something we need, crave, and should be actively building, not ripping down. I am weary of "Witch wars" and pagan drama. I hate factions within my other communities, too. We have more in common than not, and we need one another, like it or not. I am curmudgeonly and misanthropic at times, but I value community and tribe and family and recognize its place. Anyone who works to divide us (through malicious speech, violence, covert actions, or otherwise) is acting against their on interests. I try and avoid people like that, all the while acting to ameliorate their damage to the greater good. which leads me to #8:

8. Compassion is at the center of religious thought. "Passion" literally means "to suffer" (think passion of the Christ for those unfamiliar with this definition), and "compassion" means to "suffer with others", in other words, to feel others' pain.

The Buddhists, when they talk of life as suffering, are correct. (That is not to say that life is misery and woe and that there is no beauty. Far from it- that particular take on the word "suffering" is incorrect and a modern spin for our comfort-driven society.) We all suffer to live- and we cause others' suffering while we live and to continue our own lives (at the expense of others). Does this fact mean we cannot be compassionate? No. It means it is our duty to feel the others' pain and offer it up as a sacred offering.

From a Kabbalistic standpoint, compassion is located at the Tiphareth sephirot- the very center of the Tree of Life. It is that way for a very specific reason. It is at the heart of not only everyday spiritual practice, but mystical practice as well. All paths leads to and from this place/state of being.

As a Witch, I believe that when you have compassion, you suffer with others, then you offer it up (I personally offer it to my patroness- it is her favorite flavor.).

Now, many times compassion is confused with pity or allowing others to continually make mistakes. Let me make this clear- compassion for others is not what Victor Anderson called "coddling weakness", rather- it often takes the form of a swift kick in the pants (what many Buddhists call ruthless compassion or fierce compassion). But Victor also wisely added that we need to "respect one another's frailties" as well. We cannot become indifferent to others, if we do- we risk becoming disconnected from one another and God Herself. Disconnection breaks the web of life.

These are a few of the things I believe as a Witch and will teach my son. What are your "pagan values"?

Kalama Sutta

Some wise words from the Buddha for you today. I find re-reading these things helps me make better decisions when listening to stories, gossip, or "the news".

The people of Kalama asked the Buddha who to believe out of all the ascetics, sages, venerables, and holy ones who, like himself, passed through their town. They complained that they were confused by the many contradictions they discovered in what they heard. The Kalama Sutta is the Buddha's reply.

Ma anussavena.
  Do not believe something just because it has been passed along and retold for many generations. [Simpler: Do not be led by what you are told.]

Ma paramparaya.
  Do not believe something merely because it has become a traditional practice. [Do not be led by whatever has been handed down from past generations.]

Ma itikiraya.
  Do not believe something simply because it is well-known everywhere. [Do not be led by hearsay or common opinion.]

Ma Pitakasampadanena.
  Do not believe something just because it is cited in a text. [Do not be led by what the scriptures say]

Ma takkahetu.
  Do not believe something solely on the grounds of logical reasoning. [Do not be led by mere logic.]

Ma nayahetu.
  Do not believe something merely because it accords with your philosophy. [Do not be led by mere deduction or inference.]

Ma akaraparivitakkena.
  Do not believe something because it appeals to "common sense". [Do not be led by considering only outward appearance.]

Ma ditthinijjhanakkhantiya.
  Do not believe something just because you like the idea. [Do not be led by preconceived notions (and the theory reflected as an approval)]

Ma bhabbarupataya.
  Do not believe something because the speaker seems trustworthy. [Do not be led by what seems acceptable; do not be led by what some seeming believable one says.]

Ma samano no garu ti.
  Do not believe something thinking, "This is what our teacher says". [Do not be led by what your teacher tells you is so.]

Kalamas, when you yourselves directly know, "This is [these things are] unwholesome, this is blameworthy, this is condemned or censured by the wise, these things when accepted and practised lead to poverty and harm and suffering," then you should give them up.

Kalamas, when you yourselves directly know, "These things are wholesome, blameless, praised by the wise; when adopted and carried out they lead to well-being, prosperity and happiness," then you should accept and practise them."

I especially love "Do not believe something merely because it accords with your philosophy." It reminds me of this bumpersticker.

Finding the Flow

In my religion, we work on soul alignment a lot. It's the state of having all three of our souls working in concert with one another and the Divine. Far from a constant state, it is something you must keep doing, and something of which you must always be aware. When we are aligned, we can tap into "the flow" to do our Work and make things easier. Former Grandmaster Cora Anderson used to say that if you souls "were straight within you", you could ask for anything- and get it. One of the reasons for this is because when a witch's will is aligned with God Herself, what you ask for will be in the flow and come easily.

Finding the flow isn't always easy, especially as an adult. We get caught up in "shoulds" and deadlines and other people's expectations of us and it is then that we lose the flow. It's when we think that our created human world trumps nature and its natural patterns and cycles that we lose it. And often when we think we are in it, it is our ego telling us what we want to hear. It's easy to be fooled about flow once we lose the ability to feel it so naturally as children do.

Children naturally follow the flow- they exist in that timeless state that mystics and physicists all talk about- they innately know what flow is deep in their bones. They follow their own patterns and time lines and when we work to speed them up  or slow them down, children naturally resist. Even as babies- I keep hearing from my mama friends from birth class "The baby only takes a long nap when we have somewhere to go!" or "It takes forever to get out of the house now- I'm always late!" It's been the same here, with my child: I always hated those people who ran late, and now I am one of them. When we first brought Rowan home, we were amazed at the passage of time. The days zipped by as we cuddled in our blissful cocoon and we lost track of what day it was. My partner wrote as his Facebook status then, "Babies EAT time."

And they do eat the false measured time that we adults adhere to, that much is sure (That's their superpower!). But I think that a more accurate thing to say would be that babies refuse to pledge allegiance to such a silly concept as linear time and listen to their own inner clock- the very same ones that we were taught to ignore and distrust as children by well meaning adults.

Because after all, we don't live in that kind of world do we? I'm talking about a world where we can trust and listen to our own bodies as the final arbiter of what is right for us personally. We do not live there! Most of us base when we eat and sleep (the two main things that determine our bodies rhythms) on an outside influence- such as when we have to be at work or when someone else gives us permission to do so.

We live in such a state of disconnection to the flow as the norm, that we get angry when our children follow it! "They are being disruptive to a 'normal' and/or 'productive' life", we think to ourselves. To which Zen Master Mary Jaksch and I reply, "What could be more 'productive' than producing another human being?" What could be more normal, more mindful, than living with your child, in the present?

Photo credit: Nezdoiminoga

Our children have a lot to teach us about finding the flow, about being mindful and present. If only we would stop foisting our agendas onto them ( "Come on! You are going to be late to dance class if you don't stop playing around and get dressed!") and stop and listen for a while.

Book Review: Dharma Family Treasures by Sandy Eastoak

This book of essays from a variety of Buddhist thinkers and practitioners is a contemplative journey. While I don't identify as a Buddhist myself, I have many friends and peers who do and I myself have a sitting practice much like Vipassana meditation. This book is written for practicing Buddhists looking for insights as to how to integrate family into spiritual practice and for Buddhists as a community to recognize parenthood as a Path in and of itself, but anyone seeking wisdom from all religions can benefit from reading this book.

It is organized into like-minded essay sections such as "Parents Practicing" (one of my favorites, actually), "The Children's Sangha", and "Honoring the Source". Essays of everyday practitioners are alongside famous Buddhists like Diane di Prima and Thich Nhat Hanh. (I actually got more out of the everyday parents, myself!) The "Parents Practicing" section talks a lot about one of my favorite topics, which is parenting as a spiritual practice. While I often read and benefit from major Buddhist thinkers like Thich Nhat Hanh, there is nothing quite like listening to another parent struggling with the same issues as you are to make for compelling reading. Reading hands-on accounts of how children were integrated (and what worked and what didn't) into mostly adult workshops, communities and retreats was interesting and enlightening (pun intended!)

One essay that pagan readers will get a lot out of is by the editor, Sandy Eastoak. In "The Wheel of the Year" she writes, "In our eclectic household, the most accessible means of sharing spiritual celebration is marking the cycle of the seasons. Although we come from Buddhist, Muslim, and Roman Catholic traditions, our holidays are borrowed from the ancient European pagans....I am not sure how to give my children Buddhism. However, in the cycle of the year, we can become aware of the mighty movements of nature and all its echoes in the largest and smallest cycles of our lives. If  Buddha is not here, where?"

I found it interesting that the Buddhist author celebrates pagan sabbats because she finds it easier to share with her children than the pujas. Besides knowing how to throw a good party, pagans revel in engaging all the senses in their rites. A good pagan sabbat includes body , mind, and spirit and is therefore easily translatable to kids.

This book is a Buddhist philosophy book with a parenting theme in the way that Parenting With Spirit was a parenting philosophy book with a spiritual theme. It has a much narrower target audience than that previous book I reviewed, but is still a worthwhile read.

---

Formal Rating:

Title: Dharma Family Treasures: Sharing Buddhism with Children
Author: Sandy Eastoak
Publisher: North Atlantic Books
Price: $16.95 USD 
ISBN: 1-55643-244-5

Topics Covered: Buddhism, Intentional Community, Parenting, Religion, Spirituality

Target Audience: Buddhists seeking to integrate children into their practice.
 
Witch Mom Rating: Two Hats

While pagans are not the intended audience, anyone seeking to mindfully parent will get something out of this book.