Handling Conflict with Our Children Compassionately

I am so fortunate to have a resource where I live like the East Bay Meditation Center. They are a completely volunteer run, donation sponsored, Buddhist Sangha that has group sitting time and dharma talks. I have attended the Alphabet Sangha on Wednesday evenings and it is such a beloved space to me. They also have special sitting times for people of color and differing physical abilities, as they are trying to meet the needs of my community. In addition to the usual fare, they also host great workshops, offered on myriad subjects. All workshops are free, although in the spirit of Dana, you are asked to give to the center and/or the teacher if you can.


The East Bay Meditation Center from East Bay Meditation Center on Vimeo.

Last week, I went to a great talk on "Handling Conflict With Our Children Compassionately". It was taught by Shahara Godfrey, a member of the sangha and someone who has worked with all ages of children professionally- from infancy to teen years. Given that Rowan is entering full-blown toddlerhood, I figured staying one step ahead of the game and entering this phase with my eyes open was probably a wise thing!

It was a great workshop for me, as more than anything else- I learned what I was in for! The teacher and I were both surprised that only two parents showed up with kids under 2 (me included-our small group has plenty of time for both of us to talk!). The rest had kids from 3-5, 6-8, 9-12, and teens. From the stories they told and the support they were seeking (and these are gentle parents who came to a Buddhist center for a parenting class), I could tell parenting is going to be the ride of my life, as well as an exercise in patience.

I have to say, having three sessions of meditation (a sit, a walking meditation and then Metta) in one day was positively luxurious for this Witch. Since Rowan was born, I am lucky if I get to sit for 30 minutes a couple times a week. I find that it makes a world of difference in how I interact with him, my partner, and the world- so I am hoping to cultivate a life where daily sitting is possible.

This was a workshop on mindful parenting firmly rooted in the 5 precepts of the Buddha (Here's the Thich Nhat Hanh version, for those so inclined). Our teacher identified more with the 5 precepts as reinterpreted by the Manzanita Village in southern California:

Sculpture using actual human bones.

1. Aware of the violence in the world and of the power of non-violent resistance
I stand in the presence of the ancestors, the earth, and future generations
and vow to cultivate the compassion that seeks to protect each living being.

2. Aware of the poverty and greed in the world and of the intrinsic abundance of the earth,
I stand in the presence of the ancestors, the earth, and future generations
and vow to cultivate the simplicity, gratitude, and generosity that have no limits.

3. Aware of the abuse and lovelessness in the world and of the healing that is made possible when we open to love
I stand in the presence of the ancestors, the earth, and future generations
and vow to cultivate respect for the beauty and erotic power of our bodies.

4. Aware of the falsehood and deception in the world and of the power of living and speaking the truth
I stand in the presence of the ancestors, the earth, and future generations
and vow to cultivate the ability to listen; and clarity and integrity in all I communicate—by my words and actions.

5. Aware of the contamination and desecration of the world and of my responsibility for life as it manifests through me
I stand in the presence of the ancestors, the earth, and future generations
and vow to cultivate discernment and care in what I take into my body and mind.

I was blown away by each parent and what they had to say- they were hoping to use their practice and beliefs to cultivate engaged empathy when having conflict with their kids. To use it to be able to pause, reflect and engage their kids where they are at, rather than flying off the handle (which we all do sometimes).

Can you imagine if we all, as human beings, used these precepts to guide us through life and our interactions with each other? That is, of course, the work of a lifetime. It's much easier to start smaller- and what better place to start than at home, with our children?

What guidelines, quotes, or advice guide you as a parent?