Everyday Witchcraft: Making Offerings

Often in the past, the basic forms of Witchery escaped me as I pursued a busy (mundane) life. Not so now that I am raising a Witchlet. He reminds me to slow down, maintain rituals, and teach him about the worlds in the process.

One such practice is making offerings. We have three altars downstairs onto which we make offerings: my patron, Lilith; Ganesh; and our beloved dead. We keep Lilith and Ganesh in the living room on the mantle, side-by-side (as weird as that juxtaposition sounds!) because in many ways, they balance one another out (and I am ever in need of balance!) in their extremes. We keep the beloved dead altar(s)* in the dining room, so they can feast with us.

Each gets offerings that they enjoy: Lilith gets suffering, spit, and booze (we also light incense for her). Ganesh gets flowers, sweets, and entheogens. And our dead get some of our food and milk and honey. Here is a typical Tuesday afternoon, with Rowan helping out mama to make the offerings.

Flowers from outside for Ganesh.

Spitting for Lilith

Ganesh got a lolly that Rowan was coveting. It was touching that he gave it to Ganesh instead.

Lilith got some port, spit, and incense.

Rowan gave the dead some of his peanut butter and jelly graham cracker, along with the milk and honey.

Natural Parenting Update

‎"If there is anything that we wish to change in our children, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could be better changed in ourselves." - Carl Jung

Being a Witch means natural parenting ideas are the ones that come naturally to me, but sometimes it means more work and challenges in life! Rowan is growing so fast, sometimes I just want to document what he's up to so I will remember what the day-to-day was like!

Mmmm. Black Beans!

Baby Led Weaning (BLW): This is a very messy experiment, and if you hate cleaning up messes... well, it would be a hard project for you! Baby led weaning is where you allow your child to experiment with chunks of food, rather than only feeding purees and mashes. This allows your child to develop a healthy gag reflex and distinguish between gagging and actual choking much faster. It also means as a family, you are sharing healthy meals together, and I have noticed that Rowan would much rather eat what we are eating than a separate "baby only" food. BLW should only be done with a parent present, of course. Rowan LOVES his food. He seems to love everything we give him and in myriad ways: to eat it, smear it, squish it, and let juices gush down his chin onto his chest (we strip him to only his diaper these days when he eats- to lessen the clean up!). He is reveling in being a big boy that eats solids- just like mama and papa. And while yes- he has gagged a few times, he has never choked. He's a master!

Speaking and Signing: He has spoken his first word, "ball" which is easily his favorite toy. He pronounces it "bla" (I guess those end L sounds are hard!). As of this week, he has finally mastered the "m" sound and can finally say mama, which he uses to mean ME! (That makes mama smile!) He also knows sign, although he does not do any yet. He most assuredly knows "milk", "food", "sleep", "mama" and "daddy". We are teaching him "ball", "all done", "diaper", and "kiss" now- we are unsure of he understands those yet.

Barrettes and a "girly" stroller. Whatever.

Gender-Free Agenda: Rowan lives in a gender-free world and wears clothes and accessories assigned to any gender. He also has gear that is typically "girly" in most people's eyes and sometimes he even gets called a little girl in public. Whatever.

He also has some new toys that I think are important: a doll and a play purse. The doll I had made for him because I wanted a boy doll that was anatomically correct AND intact, like he is. In my quest, I found boy dolls with no genitalia and boy dolls with circumcised genitalia, but not exactly what I wanted. So I had it made. It is adorable and he loves it, especially biting its cute button nose. The purse is a toy that I found in a toy store after having Rowan carry around my purse and play with it. He obviously wanted one of his own. It's a cute colorful one that comes with a fabric cell phone, fabric play money and wallet, and a little mirror compact (fabric as well). In my opinion, children need toys that help them sort out the world- toys that mimic what adults do (brooms and dustpan, costumes, play food to prepare, and yes- purses) and dolls to help them learn how to relate emotionally to others and have confidantes. I want my son to be an empathetic compassionate person, and he may be a father one day. A doll is a perfect way to help him get started on both roles.

Developing Autonomy: He wants to do most things for himself these days- if we are eating a meal, he wants us to hand him the food piece or put it on his tray. How dare we put it in his mouth for him! And he hates when he is not in control of his body (like when we dress him, wipe a runny nose, or change his diaper) and fights us every step of the way, LOUDLY. He is his own person with his own ideas of how his world should be. It's adorable and we apologize when we must fuss over him in this way.

Co-Sleeping: Rowan has only ever slept in his crib for 10 minutes (we had a co-sleeper bassinette attached to the bed). He was so upset from that experience (I believe that it reminded him of being in the NICU, alone) in his first few hours home that I put him into bed next to me where he snuggled and was able to smell me and he has slept with us ever since. It has worked out quite well, although soon, he will need his own short bed. He is almost a toddler! So we plan on shopping soon for a convertible crib/toddler bed/twin bed/full bed combo to get in the new year.

Vaccinations: Rowan still does not have any vaccinations, and won't until at least a year of age, if then. I know this issue brings up a lot of intense feelings on both sides of the debate and I am doing my best to remain impartial and objective and read as much as I can about it. Needless to say, there are so many problems that I have read about (and yes, I know the autism research was faked- I am talking about other health problems), that I am wary. So I continue to educate myself about it. No decisions need to be made now.

Punkin Patch!

Being Gentle: Rowan is an enthusiastic child, and we encourage that wildness. However, we have done a couple things that I think are confusing to him now that he is stronger and capable of hurting someone. We would, in play, nibble him- which he tries to do now when being playful and loving- but he does it hard sometimes- we are talking all-out biting- WITH TEETH. Ouch.

The other thing that is confusing him is we taught him that good enthusiasm is equated with clapping ("yay!") and now he "claps" ON things he likes and is having fun with- which is to say- he hits them repeatedly, over and over. I am fine when it is a toy, not so fine with it when it is a person or animal. So we are trying to explain the nuance and teach him what gentle touches are like. It is slow going. I think I am going to have to channel my inner thespian and cry to get his attention or something- cuz when we say "no", he laughs. While I am glad that he does not understand to fear someone if they are stern, it does make for a conundrum getting your point across. When we say "gentle" and use his hand to stroke what he just hit, he'll do that for a while, then it's back to hitting. Sigh.

Getting Around: He is a mobile baby- and boy can he move fast! He can crawl so fast we have to jog to catch up and it will no doubt be soon that he is walking. He already crawls to furniture, only to pull himself up and stand there (and sometimes dance). He has taken one step already, but usually he falls to his butt and starts to crawl if you ask him to come over. We hope that soon he'll be walking- after all, he's getting heavy!

How Our Family Works

Regular readers: this blog post is a submission to the Blog Carnival of Feminist Parenting.

I was recently told by more than one person that it was "crazy" the amount of stuff that I take on and projects that I juggle. To someone outside our family, it probably seems that way. How could I have time for my son, as well as an active blog, and several not-for-profit organizations, and be in grad school, and, and, and?

First, I've always been a busy person. A do-er. I've always talked about myself as someone who "makes stuff happen". It's what I do, and I love doing it. Sometimes I get stressed, sure- but honestly, I get bored easily! I need to have projects pulling at my attention (and I don't a TV)! People should only worry about me if I have nothing going on. Then something is seriously wrong, people.

While I have a lot of projects, they have come up in the pursuit of doing what I love. For example, in her last living year, I met and visited Cora Anderson weekly. While many would think that I was purely in the giving situation there and Cora was receiving, that is only part of the reality. She told me many important things, some of which I am still sorting out. She gave me plenty to think about in terms of my relationship to the Craft and the people in it. Frankly, I have learned so much from so many- and for that, I am truly grateful. Out of that, PEARL was born, and I personally care for an elder (one that I am personally connected to) about once a week, and in the process, I set up the infrastructure for others to do the same, if they choose.

Another example: I wanted to have a baby. After Rowan got here, I realized there are too few real-life resources for me and those like me: Pagan parents who are community minded and want their children growing up in a tribal environment with close familial ties reinforced by our religion. Out of that, this blog and Pagan Playdate were born.

To assure those people that think that I take on "too much": I know how to say no and actually do that quite often- to projects that do not fit into the world that I am shaping for myself. I know how to pace myself in the work as well. Most of these projects are something that I, myself, initiated as I was uncovering my Work. When I follow the Flow, the Work is easy and things get done.

Second, (and this point is very important) my family structure allows me the time and energy to do all of these projects, go to school, make a living, and care for my son. "How the hell does that work?" I hear you asking yourself. Simple. I don't have to be exclusively responsible for any one project (except school- that one is all me!) all the time.

I was delighted to learn that I was following the principles of Equally Shared Parenting! I discovered this blog/book a month or so ago and the tune is so familiar! My partner and I share the burden of breadwinning, parenting, housework, and several projects in the Feri community. 

I know lots of parents (mostly women) who do most or all of the parenting alone. They are either single mamas or they have a "one breadwinner, one stay-at-homer" family. Both models are hard and frankly, I don't know how they manage.

I am a huge fan of Hip Mama and after reading the magazine, books, and blogs (all of whom give plenty of voice to single mamas (among other kinds)), I have to say: single mamas have my utmost respect for keeping it together on a daily basis. What you manage to do trumps my efforts any day! Single parents rule. If you are not a single parent but know any - do the world a favor and offer some free babysitting this week to her/him. Seriously. They deserve some free time.

And I feel for the split-duty families, too. The breadwinner often feels as they are missing out on important moments in their kids lives (and they are!) and the stay-at-homer tends to go crazy from a lack of adult contact. It's not really a win-win situation there, either. 

I love our family model; it really works for us. The most that I have gone without support with Rowan is 10 hours, and the same is true for my partner (and baby daddy), Oberyn. I was lucky to find such a like-minded co-parent. We saw eye-to-eye on this issue from the start. Both of us want to share the care for Rowan equally and be there for him as he grows and develops- we have committed to this whole parenting thing fully. We both tend to see parenthood as the most important job we will ever have, and it is a task that we relish.

As corny as it sounds, watching our son grow and develop is amazing and is time better spent than most anything else we could be doing. We often amuse ourselves these days by witnessing his milestones: how he is learning to crawl, bit by bit; each new food he tries and the funny faces he makes when he does; or how he is fast becoming a serious flirt. Naturally, it takes our breath away- it is an amazing thing we are doing and we have created an amazing being. Oberyn is a naturally giving and nurturing person, and takes amazing care of our son. Rowan, in turn, adores his daddy. I am so grateful.

As for equally shared parenting, we have even gone so far as to do a "split shift" at bedtime. First shift sleeps with Rowan until 4 AM (we do co-sleeping with our son). This is the time he normally wakes for a feeding. Then the first shifter changes his diaper and passes him off to the second shifter, who feeds him and takes him for the rest of the night. We actually sleep in separate rooms, as this allows each of us to get far more sleep with a baby in the house than any other way we tried. And sleep is a rare and precious commodity these days.

That is not to say that we don't have our disputes, mainly over housework. While I am not a slob, Oberyn is far more, let's say -meticulous- than I am (That's a much nicer word than "anal", isn't it? Just joking!). He gets fed up with clutter a lot quicker than I do, and so he ends up doing more around the house and that can sometimes lead to resentments. I am sure as he reads this blog he is grinning. I rarely admit to him that he does more chores, and now here I am, telling the whole world! (Often I am writing Witch Mom posts as he does the dishes.)

My partner is one of those rare specimens: a male feminist who likes to keep a neat house! When I asked him how he ended up that way, he wasn't sure. He certainly wasn't brought up to see work around the house as something a man should value or pursue. Personally, I think it had to do with his college studies in queer theory. He was exposed to feminism as well as queer politics in college, and it stuck. It also helps that his generation takes many feminist advances for granted (Oberyn is 11 years younger than me), and that has translated into our home life.

The fact that we both belong to a religion that embraces the Divine Feminine can't hurt, either. In our religion, women are strong and powerful. It's a natural state of being. As above so below- if God Herself can create the universe and everything in it, certainly this mama can post in her blog or organize a new event (while her son is happily played with by daddy).

A feminist model of parenting is personally benefiting me, yes. It allows me to pursue my interests and passions as well as have a successful family life. But I firmly believe that this is also the best for Rowan, my son, as well. He gets two fully engaged parents who love on him all the time. He gets two models of well-adjusted, balanced, thriving adults to model himself upon. He will never hear the guilt-inducing refrain that so many have about how their parents martyred themselves on the altar of parenthood to raise him, because it is not necessary or even true.

My son was planned and wanted every step of the way- from his conception to every little detail of his upbringing. My partner and I negotiate at each juncture and no assumptions are made about who is going to do what based on gender- it is based on ability, time available, and other practical matters. To me, this is what feminist parenting is all about.

Book Review: Parenting With Spirit by Jane Bartlett

This is a lovely book, written from a non-demoninational perspective (while the author uses the term "God", she also interchanges it with "Spirit" and "sacred"). She truly has managed to write a book about sharing the sacred with children that embraces so many faiths- regardless of whether they are part of an organized religion or not. She talks of how religion as an organized force is in decline in most western countries, although more and more people are identifying loosely as "spiritual":

We live in changing times, but so far this spiritual renaissance has largely failed to nurture families. It concerns itself only with the needs of grown-ups; it's individualistic and self-orientated. You will find a wealth of personal development opportunities for adults to discover their "inner child", but few where they can be with their outer child, too!

This gentle book has great practical tips on creating rituals and traditions in your family to anchor a shared spirituality with your children. There is plenty here for people of all faiths to latch onto, including pagans and polytheists. Prayers, rituals, mealtimes, family meetings, story time, playtime, animal care and more- all can reflect a deeper understanding of the sacred to share with children.

For example, on the section for storytime, she shares that she has created a specific weekly ritual on Friday evenings called "Hot Chocolate Night". She makes hot chocolate with her kids, then they all gather around with plenty of shawls, blankets, and pillows to get snuggly. She has picked out stories in advance that she wants to read- sacred stories that teach things she values to her kids. They don't have to be from religious texts- heck, The Lorax is a sacred text to me!

She has some other tips on making plain old story time sacred time:

• Light a large candle to mark the beginning and blow it out to mark the end of story time. 
• Similarly, you could instead use a chime or musical instrument to do the same.
• Use puppets
• Create a basket of props specific to the story, pulling them out one by one in sequence
• Don't relegate story time to a "lull the child to sleep" time. Make it a ritual each week or around seasonal holidays

I particularly enjoyed the chapter on "Creating Sacred Space In Your Home" In it, this Christian author talks about building a family altar and suggests honoring the family's beloved dead (as well as nature) there!

If you are looking for some practical tips on ritualizing your family life and creating traditions, this book is quite handy!

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Formal Rating:

Title: Parenting With Spirit
Author: Jane Bartlett
Publisher: Marlow and Company
Price: $14.95 USD 
ISBN: 1-56924-405-7

Topics Covered: Parenting, Religion, Spirituality, Ritual, Prayer

Target Audience: Families seeking to add a spiritual aspect into their daily family lives.
 
Witch Mom Rating: Two and a Half Hats

Great primer for people starting to create family rituals and traditions and looking for some tips.
Advanced ritualists may find this too basic for their needs.

Book Review: Parenting as a Spiritual Journey

Parenting as a Spiritual Journey, subtitled, "Deepening Ordinary and Extraordinary Events into Sacred Occasions" seemed right up my alley. My fondest memories as a child were for some of the everyday routines that my mother established for me- be they daily (dinnertime as a family), weekly (collecting used newspapers and selling them at the recycling center to earn money for summer camp), or annually (Christmastime ornament making, tree decorating, cookie making).

I also craved ritual and routine at summer camp. I loved the regular dependable schedule: every day, we would have breakfast, sing, swim, go boating, eat lunch, sing again, then do a select craft or activity (I loved archery!), eat dinner, sing once again, and go back to our units to build a fire and tell stories and sing sing sing (Can you tell I liked the singing?).

Long story short, I believe that children, not just me, love ritual and routine and they thrive when they can depend on their surroundings having familiar elements. It gives them a safe place from which to start exploring and taking risks. That is why I picked up the book. Being able to ritualize everyday events and help my son learn the sacred in his everyday life- what could be more witchy?

Well, evidentally this activity is not only witchy, it is Jewish! This book was written by Rabbi Nancy Fuchs-Kreimer. I am happy to learn from teachers of other faiths, as I think everyone and every faith has something to teach.

To give you an idea of her perspective, here are some quotes from the introduction: "(Spiritual parenting books seem to be) written by people who know just what God is and what He (as they invariably call God) wants of them. ... I was in awe. I could envision planting my faith, like a seed, in my children, if only I knew what it was! But I am still discovering my faith as I go along." She also says later, "It is my job as a religious professional to help people deepen events into sacred occasions, and I know from experience that the structures of religion can often do that. But I also understand that religion can suppress spirituality as well as nurture it." So as far as Rabbis go, she is progressive and keenly aware of some folks' issues with religion. And she writes with that in mind, never once leaving her Jewish faith behind. It is a well written, thoughtful work.

The book is broken up into four parts, mirroring the parts of a day: Morning, Afternoon, Evening, and Night. Each of these sections is further broken down into four parts- everyday activities and things that you encounter with your child at these times of day, and reflections on the sacredness of these moments.

For example, "Morning" has a subsection on "Getting Dressed" (which is about the sacredness of the human body). "Afternoon" has "Nap Time" (which is about being instead of doing.) "Evening" has "Dinnertime" (Thankfulness) and "Watching the News" (Justice). And "Night" has "Bedtime" (Trust) and "Sleep" (Separation). What great lessons for us to transmit to our children- in our everyday lives!

Reading the book, which is steeped in Jewish contemplation, it really hit me. Parenting is a spiritual practice, if you allow it to be. Just like with any embodied practice, you need to shift mental gears: stop thinking about the everyday mundane task at hand and seeing it for what it really is! A child is experiencing many things for the first time and even repeated tasks are fresh for them. The entire world is new and everything can have a lesson. We adults often forget what it is like to have what the Buddhists call "beginner's mind". But by raising a child, you get another chance to see the world in this way- if only you allow the time to do so.

I really enjoyed this book, despite not having background in some of the Old Testament and Torah references to which she alludes. For those turned off by or unfamiliar with Abrahamic religions, don't worry, the book is friendly and accessible. I found it very interesting and enlightening!

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Formal Rating:

Title: Parenting as a Spiritual Journey
Author: Nancy Fuchs-Kreimer
Publisher: Jewish Lights Publishing
Price: $16.95 USD
ISBN: 1-58023-016-4

Topics Covered: Parenting, Religion, Spirituality, Childhood Development, Exercises and Activities, Essays, Philosophy, Judaism, Christianity
Target Audience: Parents and Caregivers of Children and Teens, Jews, Christians, Spiritually minded people.


Witch Mom Rating: Two and a Half Hats:

 Great contemplative book for parents to read as a way of informing their everyday interactions wit their children. It does have some language that may be unfamiliar with people who are not Jewish, but hey- that's a learning opportunity, is it not?



Link to buy this book, if you so choose.